Building Teams & Leaders with Matt Paknis

Coaching and Sport in Society

2011-12-31T06:09:00.000-08:00

Thank you for your responses to the previous blog. As a result, I am in the process of creating support systems to better address abuses of power and childhood assaults. I will keep you posted on this progress.

Themes evolved from your emails and blog responses. Below please find some of these topics addressed.

1. Who's coaching your kids?

Many readers want to know how to identify a predator who may also be a coach, teacher, scout leader, or anyone in a position where he or she has regular access to children. There is no look or specific demeanor, but predators tend to violate respectful and standard interpersonal boundaries. They invade others' physical, emotional, and verbal space with inappropriate conduct often masked as concern, teasing, or playing. Predators put themselves in positions where they are surrounded by unattended children.

Predators tend to spend an inordinate amount of their free time with children and have limited interactions with people in their own peer groups. An older person who wants to take a child on trips, or spend individual, one on one, time with a child is demonstrating very suspect behavior. Predators also tend to shower gifts and trinkets on their victims and lean on their victims for emotional support. Always question the relationship, reason, and motive before you allow a child to spend unsupervised time with an older person.

There is a good article in this week's Sports Illustrated by a writer who also coaches youth basketball. He loves coaching young people, but is now afraid to offer rides and to express encouragement or support reflected in minor physical contact; a tap on the shoulder or arm for fear it will be misinterpreted, or his behaviors will be considered inappropriate. My physician, who also coaches youth soccer, expressed the same concerns. They fear, as a result of these highly publicized sexual abuse scandals, our society's treatment of youth will become more antiseptic.

Sincere and well intended adults like my physician and another friend who wrote, and who devotes his life to improving the well being of disadvantaged children, feel marginalized and undermined by the scandal. It makes them wonder how their good and honorable intentions and actions may be perceived. A volunteer coach blessed with a good and generous spirit may be compelled to withhold potential life changing moments with a child seeking direction for fear these actions may be misinterpreted.

A good way to confront this is for coaches to meet with their youth team members and their parents at the beginning of a season to clarify expectations for team goals, coaching and player roles, game and position processes and techniques, a process to stop / report / address / prevent abusive behaviors, appropriate conduct, behaviors boundaries, healthy relationships, and evidence of commitment. If these team structures are recorded, they can form a reference point for evaluating progress and success during the season.

2. What are good coaching behaviors?

"You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation." (Plato, 427 - 347 BC)

Above please find a picture of one of my Brown line coaches, Bob Wylie, and Steve Wizniewski, who was an All-American guard at Penn State when I coached there. They now work together as coaches for the Oakland Raiders. They are considered good coaches.

Good coaches tend to set high conduct standards with their behaviors. So, probably the best way to assess a good coach is with his or her team members' conduct and behaviors. Good coaches are recognized by the growth and success of those they lead. Their influence is monitored by healthy peer and team friendships and relationships, fun experiences, respect, happiness, higher levels of well being and hygiene, improved social interactions and performance away from athletic venues, and increased consideration for self and others. Coaches who influence these behaviors in their players are good coaches. We tend to judge coaches by their competition wins and losses. These are important, as we all play to win, but these gauges are short term. The ultimate goal of sports is to improve its participants and observers appreciation for potential, and, in turn, to improve society.

3. What are good sports' parent / sports' observer behaviors?

Parents never attended athletic practices when I was participating in football, wrestling, and track while growing up in the NJ suburbs. Our teams were very successful. My teammates would be mortified if any parent approached a coach, or athletic director, to discuss his or her child's performance or playing time. The coaches would not tolerate this.

Coaches were trusted to do their best for the team and for the athletes. Parents demonstrated their support at competitions and via booster clubs, but refrained from interfering with athletic decisions. It was a boundary expected not to be crossed.

Any hostility at athletic events was directed toward referees and officials for missed or perceived bad calls. I never heard negative comments directed towards coaches or athletes from my, or the opposing, team. For the most part, we respected each other. We lived in a very competitive area.

Based on your blog comments and the news, negative and aggressive fan / parent language and behavior now dominates all levels of sporting events. High school and college athletic directors and coaches report receiving harassing phone calls at all hours of the night from irate parents expecting more playing time for their children.

In these situations, individual performance supersedes the team. The greatest distinction I noticed separating strong teams and healthy communities from sub par organizations is the sense of member admiration and commitment to a common purpose. Organizations struggle when everyone is pulling in separate, selfish, directions. Organizations succeed when constructive member beliefs and behaviors reflect shared common and respected core values.

There's a distinction between being encouraged and empowered to voice concern to improve a situation and running one's mouth. The former tends to help the team. The latter often reflects selfishness, an antithesis of team goodness.

Also, screaming parents can undermine a child's athletic performance. Screams and overly aggressive conduct increase the stress chemical response in a child's forming brain. If present and associated with athletic competition, these chemicals undermine blood flow and muscle reaction. They also interfere with memory, mental clarity, and reaction time. These heightened brain responses, fostered by overzealous fans and parents, can create in a child athletic performance barriers. They will jeopardize enjoyment. This can alienate young athletes from sport.

Sports can offer young people a great outlet to expend energy while gaining physical skills. Sports can also provide a nice opportunity to socialize, to become more self aware and empathetic. The ideal ancient Greek philosophy of sport states it propels the admiration of human capacity. This admiration appears to be lost in today's parents' fears and criticisms. Perhaps these parents are triggered by memories of their own childhood athletic shortcomings.

A former college teammate and a standout in two varsity D1 collegiate sports now coaches youth sports. He writes: "all of the dads in town are very successful. They are either alpha males or artists. As a result, the sense of entitlement is very high. The people who volunteer to coach and help youth sports in the town refer to the insane dads as “do it for me dads”. These dads are always critical and never helpful.

Most of the insane dads, as alpha males, played some low level sports in high school or below.

(My friend) thinks the extreme behaviors are rooted in the following beliefs.

1) Through sheer will and determination these dads became successful and alpha males.

2) These dads EXPECT success in their lives. They feel like they make success happen.

3) They expect their sons to be successful alpha males. If the sons aren’t as driven, these dads think they can make their sons driven through dad's sheer will and determination.

4). And so, these dads scream, thinking this will make it happen.

It’s ironic in soccer because most of the insane dads never played soccer. So not only is their screaming and ranting inappropriate; their coaching points are often flat out wrong.

The dads that played college sports or are artists tend to be very mellow and helpful on the sideline."

Whatever the reason, these egos and efforts to manipulate aggression devalue youth sports. The aggressive behaviors these dad's want demonstrated by their sons are not healthy or age appropriate and can lay the foundation for bullying, battery, assaults, and abuse. I'm pretty sure these are not outcomes insane dads want for their sons. However, sons are prone to demonstrate behaviors modeled by their dads.

When power, control, and ego are not addressed and corrected, abuses of power can proliferate. Corrupt predator coaches will exploit a parents' distorted aggressive athletic hopes for his child and isolate the child. Kids left unattended by their parents are more likely to be abused. The unhealthy ego and power needs for athletic victories make delusional parents deny, or blind to, corrupt and devious behaviors committed by bad coaches.

Agreeing on core league, team, and fan values and outlining the reflective behaviors expected by parents, fans, coaches, and athletes can set conduct standards. Defining behaviors opposed to core values, and the penalties for a person who demonstrates these behaviors, can also remove destructive behaviors from youth sporting events.

An assigned and strong person or committee, and not the coach except when dealing with his or her players, needs to be assigned to implement and monitor penalties incurred by parents, fans, opposing players and coaches.

4. Does God influence sporting outcomes?

There's a lot of media attention on Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow generated by his energetic, unorthodox playing style, by the Broncos series of unfathomable comeback victories led by Tim, and for Tim's unwavering Christian Faith. It's implied the Broncos success since Tim took over as the team's quarterback, and its appearance in the NFL playoffs, is due to Tim's faith and God's Blessings.

Athletes use many different vehicles to reach their zone, or their highest capabilities. Many superior athletes have an innate love of their sport. It gives them a sense of identity, success, and control. This propels them to practice and to push themselves towards mastery. This allows them to excel. Some have tremendous drive and determination. Others share a passion to a common goal, teammates, and coaches. Their performance and success is a result of their commitment to shared values and mutual respect. Illegally, some athletes turn to artificial means and performance enhancing drugs to get an unnatural edge. Some athletes rely on superior physical and mental gifts to outshine competition. Some athletes, like Tim, use a belief system to reach their pinnacle. It offers them the focus and calm needed to function optimally under pressure; to give them a sense of clarity and purity and inner strength.

I'm guessing Tim's belief system allows him to distinguish his own performance, yet I'm pretty sure God has nothing to do with distinguishing Tim's or the Broncos' performance. The Bible states athletes should prepare and pummel their bodies, to put their best efforts forward. There is no evidence or scripture stating God is interested in athletic outcomes. It states He wants His followers to believe His teachings and to love one another.

Before every athletic event I participated in over an 18 year period, I was encouraged, and offered the opportunity, to pray. I'm not sure I was ever told what to pray about, but I sensed my young teammates and I were expected to be thankful for the opportunity to participate. I also asked for strength to demonstrate our best abilities, and for our competition to do the same, so we might bring out the best in each other. I prayed no one be injured or tempted to cheat, so the competition remained pure, like a battle amongst honorable animals or gladiators. I never prayed for victory. This cheapens prayer and belief systems. I'm pretty sure Tim doesn't pray for victory, but for the opportunity to glorify his God.

As long as the methods are legal, do not bring harm to oneself or others, and fall within acceptable league conduct boundaries, I have no objections with what Tim Tebow, or any other athlete, practices to reach his or her best level of performance.

Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely

2011-11-08T07:02:00.000-08:00

Author's Note: Joe Paterno was fired as Penn State's football coach on Wednesday November 9, 2011.

Joe Paterno died Sunday January 22, 2012. He was eighty five years old and lived, for most of his life, like a king.

My mother received her early death sentence, melanoma in her lymph system, when she was 35. She died when she was 44. I was seventeen. Since then, I've respected the dead and their families, and focus on their contributions and accomplishments when they pass.

Thus, I off lined this blog when I learned Joe Paterno died. It's very critical of him and his response when knowing his former prized assistant, Jerry Sandusky, was seen sodomizing a young boy in the Penn State Football Complex showers.

I worked with Joe Paterno and Jerry Sandusky as a graduate assistant football coach. I am also a survivor of early childhood sexual assault.

Multitudes of great football players like Franco Harris, Lydell Mitchell, Jack Ham, Curt Warner, Shane Conlin, Blair Thomas, and John Cappalletti reinforced their very positive identities via their experience with Joe and Penn State.

I have the highest admiration for their skills and for Penn State University and I acknowledge the influence Joe had on his football team's performance and his players' graduation rates.

If Joe deserves credit for influencing his players' athletic and academic achievements, he must also be accountable for having the opposite influence on the young souls he could have protected from Jerry's predatory behavior had he reported Jerry to the state police as soon as Joe was aware.

When an egregious act is committed in an organization, it is a reflection on the person in charge. Joe Paterno was in charge when Jerry's devious behavior destroyed souls during, at least, a fifteen year time period. "A fish stinks from its head".

So, as we praise Joe for knowing how to funnel young male aggression on the field and in life, we must also accept the truth. He allowed appalling acts of sexual aggression against young and innocent children.

I pray for Joe's soul, and I pray for the souls of those young boys who Jerry Sandusky defiled.

Survivors have the choice to be strong and to stop the abuse cycle. They need constructive intervention, our support, and blessings. The following is written to help them overcome. - Matt, January 26, 2012.

As many of you know, I worked as a graduate assistant offensive line coach at PSU.

Many great young men played on our offensive line, including Steve Wisniewski who went on to an incredible NFL career and now coaches the Oakland Raiders' offensive line with my line coach when I played at Brown, Bob Wylie.

As most of you don't know, I also suffered through an abusive early childhood outside of my home. It is very difficult to share, but warranted given this unique opportunity to help survivors and to stop predators and those institutions and people who help perpetuate this evil.

My experience with these issues gives me a unique perspective to comment on the horrific situation unveiling itself in Happy Valley.

Joe was the reigning Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year and national championship coach when I worked for him. He was considered, and acted, like God and was beyond reproach in the locals' minds.

Based on what I know about predators, Jerry's deviance didn't start when it was observed and reported in the 1990's.

If he is a serial pedophile, as long as he's been around kids there's a probable chance he's been assaulting them. I never observed Jerry committing sexual misconduct.

My goal is to bring to light how deceptive, selfish, narcissistic people and organizations can cultivate environments where evil lurks. This is to help you better understand the horrific behavior Jerry Sandusky is accused of perpetrating and the just as egregious apparent cover up perpetrated by Joe Paterno and PSU's administration.

More important, I hope I can offer some comfort and peace to not only Jerry's purported survivors, but to the multitudes of powerless and disadvantaged kids who are abused by evil people and institutions disguising themselves as helpers. I want to offer some direction and hope to survivors.

Life gets better!

I was a low ranking graduate assistant offensive line coach at PSU in 1987 and 1988 on the heels of PSU's second, and last, national championship.

Prior to this, I played and coached at Brown and had a few NFL tryouts. I also had a very unique hs football experience where I co-captained the top ranked team in NJ, and was the sole three year starter for three undefeated state championship teams.

Many of my hs teammates received scholarships to DI programs including to Penn State and Michigan. My mother succumbed to her 8 year battle with melanoma during my senior hs season. I was recruited by all the Ivies, service academies, and I received several DI scholarship offers.

I am also a survivor of early childhood sexual abuse. I was fortunate. I grew young, stopped the predator, and got the help I needed. I have worked hard as an adult to overcome this and to remain whole, to receive peace and joy in life, and by privately helping others overcome their traumas and losses.

Survivors have the choice and free will to not repeat the cycle of sexual abuse.

I pursued coaching out of college to help kids like my high school coach, Ted Monica at Madison High School, and sports helped me overcome a traumatic childhood. I was awarded graduate assistant scholarships to coach at the two more coveted programs at the time; Penn State and at the University of Washington with admired coach Don James.

It's reprehensible if the coaches I worked with at Penn State thrust and or allowed comparable trauma on innocent kids. I believed sports, and good coaches, are intended to help people actualize their potential, to overcome adversity.

These folks demonstrated evil if these accusations are true.

My time in Happy Valley was great regarding my classes, but not as happy regarding the football program. The players were exceptional. I was a sincere graduate student, studying CAD in the engineering and architecture departments.

The coaches, including Paterno, projected a holier than thou academic image, but they demanded their players and coaches prioritize football 24/7.

I experienced Joe Paterno as a racist when he stated Pennsylvania was not ready for an African American quarterback while Randall Cunningham started for the Eagles. He was the consummate bully and control freak who motivated with fear and banished players and their potential careers when they did not buy into Joe's persona.

Joe's infamous "doghouse" was relegated to players, and maybe coaches, who shared the same transgressions as Joe's favorite players, and maybe coaches, but who did not fit Joe's perception as to who and what constituted Penn State football. Joe derailed careers and earnings when a player did not fit his narrow vision. He played God. If the allegations of Jerry's transgressions are true, he and Joe will be in God's doghouse; Matthew 18:5.

Overall, I saw Joe as a master spin doctor whose image shed a far greater shadow than his actual character. I was reminded of these when, in the early 90's after a loss to Texas, he said he was going to "go home and beat my wife".

Often when stressed, like Joe after this loss, a person will blurt out the truth, or his true feelings. One's true feelings are termed the "left hand column" by Harvard Professor Chris Argyris. The "right hand column" represents the actual words someone states.

The dysfunction in an organization is directly proportional to the size of its members' left hand columns. When no one feels safe sharing the truth, or knows sharing it is not appropriate, issues will harbor until there is a huge blow up. Again, it appears the "right hand column" brand used to portray Penn State's image, and fostered by Joe Paterno, hid his program's considerable, ugly and truthful, "left hand column".

Perhaps the awkward statement Joe made after the loss to Texas, a statement making everyone who heard it cringe, revealed another ugly truth. Joe backed out of the assertion, but, if true, fits a bully's profile and a leader who would not address and terminate abuses of power, like child molestation, in his own organization.

The parallels between Joe's kingdom; the unquestioned power and control he wielded over his minions, the knowledge he gathered about every piece of his program, and the very lax and deceptive response he made in 2002 after being informed his former prized assistant Jerry Sandusky, who maintained approved access to the football and athletic facilities where internal documents filed years earlier outlined Jerry's similar inappropriate sexual conduct with a young boy, was seen sodomizing a child in the showers, and the Catholic Church's power, control, and deceit in covering up its massive sexual abuse scandal are striking, yet not surprising to me.

In addition to the Catholic Church, the PSU scandal is somewhat analogous to NASA's tragic failures. Everyone in NASA's reporting structure trusted their quality assessment system would not allow a Shuttle design failure. They were also expected to comply rather than empowered to think independently. They were afraid to step up and take ownership to report and correct defects.

In both the NASA and PSU cases, this lack of empowerment led to tragedy. At NASA, political and financial pressures to launch the Shuttle on time outweighed the consideration to further test and evaluate the o rings and tiles. This led to astronaut deaths. At Penn State, the death of young souls took a back seat to Joe's pursuing his all time wins record, his and the football team's image, and the university's reputation.

The inability to recognize the truth, or facts and behaviors contradicting one's perception of an organization or culture is deemed by academics as "selective" or "subjective" perception. This concept suggests immature people in a group setting see only what they want to see, or are taught to see. They accept and acknowledge behaviors supporting their definition or the organization's culture; it's values as depicted by beliefs and behaviors.

Mature, rational, objective, and realistic people can distinguish facts from opinions. College campuses are loaded with young people who buy into perceptions. They do not have yet the maturity to distinguish distortions, according to this theory.

Deviant adults can manipulate this immaturity to fulfill their own selfish, twisted desires; to attempt to control and to influence the beliefs of the young people to support their misguided adults' views rather than the truth. It's what bad leaders or professors or coaches do and it appears to be what happened at PSU.

When a despot or highly competitive person rules, his goals supersede relationships. Any conflict is responded to in a competing manner, where the person in charge must get his way. Ultimately, good people leave, or work around the leader. Yes men stay. This is what happens in totalitarian governments, and it's what happened at the PSU football program.

The immediate response to the crisis in the shower was to avoid to buy time to respond and to compete to keep the system rolling towards Joe's record, to reinforce Joe's perceived greatness. It was a passive / aggressive response. There was no immediate consideration for the assaulted child.

Even though he did not respond immediately to protect the child, the graduate assistant did distinguish the truth from the mantra he'd been fed since he was a child growing up in State College and shared his observations. It is not easy to break even misguided cultural values. However, his adult supervisors sat on it. This delay led to more assaults.

Selective or subjective perception might also be a fancy term for lying, or narcissism, or selfishness, or manipulation.

Also, the Johari Window (please find this defined in the following blog entitled "The Black Box")shows what one knows about oneself compared to what others know. The PSU Football program hid much, and had severe blind spots. This reflects a total lack of institutional checks and transparency. At best, the delayed response suggests Joe Paterno did not have the moral capacity (a blind spot) to distinguish and report the inappropriate behaviors perpetrated by Sandusky. At worst, the delay indicates Joe's and Penn States intentional cover up (hidden secrets)of child rape.

An independent, credible, and reputable third party must investigate PSU with a very big mirror and magnifying glass to assess what fostered the hidden secrets and blindspots. In similar cases, these are based in in the leader's need for power, misleading metrics, and poor institutional controls.

I worked on the other side of the ball from Jerry, but found him very talented with kids, albeit a bit more grabby and touchy with the many young kids surrounding him during camps and those visiting from his not for profit program, The Second Mile. It appeared he had boundary issues. Memories of this now make my stomach queasy.

He reminded me of a former celebrated boy scout leader from my home town of Madison, NJ. He was mean spirited to boys, like me, who did not buy into his persona, or subjective perception. I learned later in life he preyed on two of my friends.

Joe was tough on me, but I accepted this as professional hazing. I was the youngest and newest coach on the staff; the lowest man on the totem pole. I left PSU a bit early to pursue my masters in architecture degree. Joe's behaviors and the disparity between PSU's image and reality soured me to major college coaching.

As a man who suffered internal torment thanks to similar evil, I can't accept the torture of young souls Joe failed to stop. Jerry's sick, and his behaviors were perpetuated by Joe's failure to take action; his failure to be a leader. Joe so carefully projected a leader's image in every other aspect of his life.

It's affirming to know I made my first scout leader and Joe uncomfortable. Had I known then, I only wish I'd done more to expose their ruses to protect future victims. The Scout Leader's magnanimous personality, like Jerry's good old boy charm, like Joe's academic dean public persona, apparently masked ruthless deviance for power and control.

Another bizarre tradition at PSU was the coaches showered together after practices and games. We never did this at Brown or at URI and my coaching friends never experienced this on their staffs. It was one of the many things at PSU that made me realize there was something very strange about the program and its staff.

Most pedophiles were abused, but only a small portion of sexual abuse survivors choose to repeat the cycle. The behavior is deviant and not natural. Thus, it must be learned. However, as with psychopaths, some folks may be born with this deviance.

Once a person chooses to repeat or to perpetuate the cycle of sexual abuse, the behavior appears to become a compulsion and there is no way to stop it.

The key is to identify victims and to intervene with constructive counseling and positive role models before their trauma plays out destructively against themselves or others.

Also, my goal is to see laws change so pedophiles are incarcerated for life. They are not diseased and there is no cure. Their actions are premeditated.

Pedophilia is not sex. Sex is an act between two consenting adults, involving people in the same peer group. Pedophilia is an act of power and control perpetrated by a person with more physical, financial, emotional, psychological, or status power and who controls and dominates a victim with sexual acts.

The victim is a person in a subservient role or place in his or her life. The acts may offer some confusing comfort to the victim, but there is no love or concern or compassion involved. The acts are perpetrated to fulfill the deviant needs of the perpetrator.

All guilt / shame / dishonor / disgust / fault belong with the perpetrator, and with those who perpetuated the acts by keeping them in the dark, like in lonely athletic complexes and basement bedrooms.

Often, sexual abuse survivors become frozen, or compartmentalized, by the extreme sexual assaults they experienced as children. If the victim does not receive treatment within thirty days of the initial assault, the trauma can change brain chemistry leading the victim to experience post traumatic stress disorder symptoms.

Some of the PTSD symptoms victims may experience include intrusive thoughts, difficulty in distinguishing truth from fiction, hyper vigilance, increased levels of anxiety, fear, and panic, short and long term memory deficits, sleep disruption, and dissociative symptoms. These symptoms keep victims from moving on and living a fulfilling life. Tragically, without constructive intervention, many victims end their lives early.

The general steps survivors use to integrate their past traumas, to shift from victims to survivors to thrivers, include:

1. Revealing secrets and fragments of one's person with licensed, trained and highly regarded / trusted professionals. Trust is a huge, if not the biggest, issue with survivors. Trust happens when one person knows he or she is safe with someone, or a group. They won't hurt the person when he or she is vulnerable. Predators exploit this trust and use feigned interest and phony gestures to confuse their victims. The goal in recovery is to combine all of one's parts to live as one whole, functional, person with the process to this outcome being assisted by trustworthy and competent counseling professionals.

2. Identify cognitive distortions - fears and criticisms cultivated by the perpetrator and the experience can undermine one's ability to live an autonomous and empowered life. Victims often inaccurately believe they are subservient and dependent on someone more powerful. Healthy survivors separate facts from opinions and live in the current moment, feeling empowered and in control of their destinies.

3. Identify deleterious behavior patterns (submissive or aggressive) fostered by these distortions and choose more positive actions and outcomes with better plans in the present moment. It is important for survivors to recognize the source of their actions, so they can consciously choose better actions. The better outcomes foster better actions and the constructive behavior cycle grows stronger.

4. Integrate one's healthy sense of self with other healthier people to maintain an integrated, whole, functional, mature perspective.

When needed, a combination of talk therapy and prescription medicines can return survivors to stabilized brain chemical levels, rational thoughts, and a sense of well being.

The reactions to childhood sexual abuse are learned as coping tools when the victim is a child. They are often ineffective and may seem hard to break. They may also alter normal brain chemistry and distort the capacity for rational thought. These coping reactions can be relearned and corrected, leading survivors to happy and fulfilling lives.

Next steps for PSU:

It's key to identify the critical obstacles allowing institutional secrets and blindspots. It's also important to create and evaluate success measurements, in addition to graduation rates and wins, where behaviors reflecting shared institutional values, character, and integrity, are recognized and rewarded. What's measured is what gets done.

Misdirected metrics fostered tragedy with Dominoes Pizza a few years ago. Dominoes guaranteed a free pizza if it was not delivered in 30 minutes or less. Part of the late pizza was paid for by the deliverer. People were killed across the country by speeding Dominoes pizza deliverers who did not want to pay for a late pizza. The flawed success metric was creating undesirable outcomes. It was changed.

Winning football games and high player graduation rate metrics appear to be good targets, but they were flawed because they hid or allowed devious behaviors. Perhaps part of the reason the horrific behaviors performed by Jerry at the PSU facilities and at the 2nd mile were not addressed earlier is because the football program's stated critical metrics were being met and piles of money were being dumped into State College and into the University thanks to the team's success and clean image.

Everyone involved bought into this perceived success without taking a closer look at Jerry's inappropriate conduct and connection with young boys, or they ignored and avoided this ugliness intentionally so long as the team had a winning / bowl game season and a majority of the players received their degrees. Again, this is an example of "selective" or "subjective" perception.

The steps organizations use to overcome similar tragedies include:

1. Identifying and removing the people and systems who were obstacles to protecting innocent children and obstacles to the truth. This probably includes the football staff, athletic administration, and many in the school's and state's administration. A reputable and credible outside source must conduct the fact finds and investigation.

2. Establishing metrics driving behaviors assuring transparency and adherence to core values in addition to wins and graduation rates and placing strong people and institutional control in place to assure these metrics, assessing integrity and behaviors reflecting core PSU values, like safety, are being met.

3. Selecting and developing leaders who respond to and seek to address situations with honest and independent thought, and with consideration for truth, collaboration, accommodation, and compromise. Leaders who compete and must only have things their way create silos, yes people, and lock step loyalty, conformity, and compliance. Blind obedience keeps the people in an organization from honest self criticism and selfless behavior. This narcissism can allow evil to propagate.

4. Cultivating many leaders, including low level GA's, who seek the truth and can think independently when addressed with crisis. People must feel encouraged to think and to correct defects and abhorrent behavior on the spot.

After my time at Penn State, I pursued a Masters in Architecture and then got married, coached football and received my MBA at the University of Rhode Island. During an internship I offered team building retreats and this led to my current organizational and leadership development practice.

I help organizations identify strong leaders from technical and scientific worker pools. I work primarily with corporations, yet also help not for profit organizations with my long term programs. I also offer short term talks / seminars / retreats to educate and inspire and to initiate the mentioned long term organizational development programs.

My topics revolve around building healthy and trusting leadership and relationships to improve positive thoughts, actions, and results. I have been married to the same woman, who was with me at Penn State, for over 20 years and we have three great kids. I live in a tiny MA town on Buzzard's Bay.

My goal in sharing this is to:

1. Help survivors gain more control and fulfillment in their lives

2. Stop the abuse cycle.

3. Expose Joe Paterno for his true colors.

4. Foster good (honest, selfless, self critical) behaviors vs. evil (selfish, lying, narcissistic) organizational and leadership behaviors.

Joe Paterno knew and knows everything about what's happening in his program and in State College. He was / is the ultimate control freak. If Jerry committed these crimes it is impossible for me to think Joe was not aware and complicit.

As a Penn State assistant under Rip Engle, Joe's nickname amongst players was Joe the rat. He knew about everything on the team and tattled on players' to the head coach. Joe went to Rip instead of addressing the player face to face. He used power and leverage to exert authority instead of true leadership and influence. Joe was Rip's protected favorite, like a mama's boy. I imagine he felt he could do anything to others and get away with it.

Thus, decades later, when a powerless boy needed a man of real character and integrity to protect him, Joe showed his true colors. He protected himself and let the little boy disappear. Author M. Scott Peck, in his book; "People of the Lie", characterizes evil people as selfish, lying, and narcissistic. It appears Joe's old nickname still holds. Except now, I think it should be Evil Rat.

I am sure Penn State's Trustees would trade all of the violations in the history of the NCAA for the atrocity Joe and Jerry left in their laps. The total number of sanctions placed on football programs in the history of the NCAA do not add up to the destruction of one young boy's soul.

Joe, for all his years of projecting a saintly image while allowing the destruction of young souls, will now be remembered as the head coach who, on his watch and under his nose, did not stop the most vile and destructive scandal in the history of sport. His blind abuse of power made capable Jerry's abuse of children. Joe must be held accountable for this role.

I am tired of perpetrators and their protectors riding off into the sunset with bodies in their wakes.

My efforts are directed at helping survivors.

If you are a survivor, or know a survivor, I hope this article offers some comfort, direction, and hope. Counseling and faith work wonders.

If you know or suspect someone is a predator, please do everything in your power to stop this and to report him or her.

If you know or suspect a child is being abused, please report this to legal authorities, unlike Joe Pa, as soon as you know.

I am not comfortable speaking about my abuse one on one, so I appreciate your recognizing my privacy the next time we meet. However, I am willing to share my story publicly to shed light on the issue and to help other survivors.

Thank you.

In Germany they first came for the Communists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist.

Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.

Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Catholics,
and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant.

Then they came for me —
and by that time no one was left to speak up.

- Pastor Martin Niemöller

The Black Box - Untapped Potential

2011-10-27T11:25:00.000-07:00

Have you ever discovered a new talent by accident?

Yesterday I heard eight high potential technical employees who are being groomed for management positions present their educational and work histories in preparation for speaking to high school students.

A common theme connected their stories. Most had no mentor to guide them early in life. They made uninformed decisions leading to unfulfilled jobs before finding an employer who directed, and celebrated, their talents and drive.

When given the opportunity, the speakers excelled. They learned they could solve technical problems. They learned they had high personal standards for achievement. They learned they had the capacity to influence others in very positive ways. Others recognized these talent and these speakers were chosen for very selective management development programs.

Recent Gallop research states everyone is born with a talent he or she can demonstrate with more proficiency than at least 10,000 people. A good education, or employer, helps people unveil and utilize their gift, like these speakers.

People who remain stuck in unsatisfying careers don't seem to know themselves, or haven't stumbled into their talent.

Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham created the Johari Window. It's a four panel grid showing what a person knows and doesn't know about oneself with what others know and don't know about a person. The resulting boxes include: public skills, private traits, blind spots, and untapped potential.

Two years ago a Rhode Island high school track athlete was trying different events when his coach suggested he try the long jump and measure his jumping distance. When the student returned with the measuring tape, the coach asked how far he'd jumped.

The student responded: "21 feet". In disbelief, the coach asked him to jump again. The student jumped again. This time, closer to 22 feet. He also jumped six feet, four inches in his first attempt, ever, in the high jump.

This past year, Innocent Jacob led the U.S. indoor jumpers for much of the season with a distance of 24'-01" at Rhode Island Classic. This came a day after his 6'-11" high jump PR ranked him second in the U.S. He has has broken R.I. state long jump record 3 times.

Had not his coach suggested he try the long jump, would Innocent Jacob every known he had the talent?

And this leads to a personal discovery. Last year I sang in our Church's Christmas Cantata. One of the basses in the regular chorus was hiking the Appalachian Trail and I was asked to fill in during his absence. I was then asked to tryout for a local a Capella group, The Harpoon Harmonizers. This past weekend, we won our division in a regional / national competition including 80 groups. I have a long way to go, but I really enjoy it.

Everyone has a special gift and it's a pleasure to witness people who display their strengths. I hope you're inspired to help others find theirs, and to find your own.

Friendship

2011-07-06T06:03:00.001-07:00

Happy Fourth of July 2011!

Independence Day this year made me reflect on the freedom, and value, of friendship.

"Make new friends, but keep the old; one's silver and the others are gold."

These are the words to a song learned at Central Avenue Elementary school in 1971, the year my thirty five year old mom received her early death sentence; melanoma in her lymph system. I was in 3rd grade.

My mom encouraged me to build lasting friendships. She had a very loving heart and I sensed the compassion she had for my young friends. It made it natural for me to like them.

Perhaps she encouraged me to make friends because she anticipated our family might, like others who experience the death of a young parent, implode after her death, leaving me and my siblings and our family on separate islands. Friends can't replace family, but good friends can fill the lost family void.

"A person someone is fond of and knows well", according to Webster's Dictionary, is a friend.

In the past two months, I had the unique fortune of spending separate time with three friends who are in my earliest photos with people other than family; Fred, Nayan, and Ross. The photos date from preschool to early elementary school.

Here's my infant brother Judson and my buddy Fred and me in 1967 at his family's beach house. Fred and I were five. In May Fred treated me to lunch near his Manhattan office where he's a Tax Attorney. I was scheduled to moderate a panel of New Media experts a few blocks from his office that evening.

During one of my college summers working at Lazard Frères’, Fred had a job with a Manhattan law firm, and we split my step mother's apartment on 97th street. Fred and I would occasionally connect for meals, movie premiers, and other NYC summer spectacles like concerts in the park and on the pier.

Summers with Fred were common as our grandparents had homes in adjoining Jersey Shore towns. His town had a beach with sand bars and no crowds, so wave riding was exceptional. We spent hours, sometimes days, riding waves on floats and body surfing.

Following 8th grade, we even rode our bikes to these towns, about 70 miles from Madison, to stay with our grandparents for the week when Bruno Sammartino was scheduled to wrestle Superstar Billy Graham at the Asbury Park Arena. We lampooned the pro wrestlers and bought tickets to attend. However, Hurricane Belle hit the Jersey Coast canceling the match. We saw Bruce Springsteen walking the pier when we redeemed our tickets.

Starting when we were real little, every summer we'd visit Fred's family's shore cottage in Beach Haven, NJ twice; first to help prep it for summer renters and then to close it over labor day weekend. Nightly excursions to Hartman's Amusement Park, wave riding, eating ice cream, crabbing, husking corn for a nickel an ear, and house improvement projects stay in my Beach Haven memory. The Campbell family also offered this spot for a memorable high school retreat.

Being around Fred and his easy disposition taps these great memories and their associated good feelings. Fred also asked me to deliver the Newark Star Ledger to his neighborhood accounts when he was away. It was a beautiful neighborhood, probably the most affluent in Madison.

Here's a recent shot of Fred.

I also carried Nayan's "Grit" Newspaper route when he was away. His route was mostly around our neighborhood, but also went to one of the more economically challenged streets in Madison. One time I delivered Fred's and Nayan's routes in the same week. Comparing those two streets was like looking at two different worlds, yet they were about 1 mile apart.

Nayan warned me about a young boy at one of his stops. Jamie watched cartoons all day while rocking on his hands. He did not like to be disturbed. Nayan told me to avoid eye contact, or Jamie might come after me like an angry dog. This got my attention. I stared at Jamie's floor the whole time.

Jamie grew into an excellent football player and wrestler. He was my teammate, but remained troubled. Chris Jilleba, a star running back, connected with him more than others. Recently I learned our wrestling coach asked me to practice with Jamie, despite my outweighing Jamie by about 50 pounds, to check a new kid's mental models.

The new kid refused to wrestle Jamie because, he claimed, Jamie was crazy. He said he was afraid of being hurt. I learned later coach felt the real reason the new kid refused was because he did not want to wrestle a black kid, like Jamie. I was proud coach chose me to prove Jamie's skin tone had no affect on me, and he was safe, at least in practice. In life, his demons never left.

Jamie died in prison. He was a convicted rapist.

And here's Nayan and me, circa 1966. We're both 4 years old.

In early June I attended Nayan's father's funeral. His father was a physician, a patriarch, and the coolest dad in our neighborhood. He hailed from one of Morris County's most esteemed black families. His brother James was a dentist.

Nayan's father graduated a year ahead of my parents from Madison High where he was a four time class president and a star tennis and basketball player, and captain. He graduated from Hobart as an undergrad and was a two time All American in lacrosse. He attended Medical School in Philadelphia.

Despite being embraced by Madison High in the early 1950's, George and other black students were refused service at a Madison eatery due to their skin tone. While protesting, the owner spat in his face. George was also forced to sit in the back row of the balcony at the Madison Movie Theater and his wife, a native of India, was refused an Ivy League Master's Degree because she was married to a black man.

Later, Nayan's Grandpa was refused the right to buy an office building bordering Madison and Morristown intended to house his sons' professional dentist and doctor practices to serve families from both communities.

These stories were shared at his eulogy. It was the first I'd heard them. Character kept our parents from spoiling our young perspectives. Our friendship was color blind until we were old enough to realize others were not as fortunate as us.

In the 1950's and '60's discriminatory acts were commonplace. Thanks to people like our parents, most of us did not experience the level of overt discrimination they experienced, and we have the freedom to choose our friends, and careers.

I did experience one overt incident worth mentioning. I was coaching at Penn State in 1987. During a staff meeting it was suggested a gifted black NJ All State player named Darren be given a chance at quarterback. Coach Paterno stated "Pennsylvania is not ready for a black quarterback".

At the time, Randall Cunningham was a starting black quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles. One assistant coach was outraged by the comment, and challenged the legend. Joe blew him off. Since then, Penn State has started many accomplished black quarterbacks, but the comment reflects the public and private dichotomies inherent in racism.

Dr. George was quiet around me, but always fun and pleasant. He was a great observer. I sensed he trusted me and my parents. Thus, he allowed Nayan and me to be first friends. Every day, I'd visit their compound where Nayan's grandparents and his step great grandmother lived in another house.

They all treated me like family. His grandfather called me Mathis. His great grandmother taught me how to play piano. She also founded the Community House, intended to help children like Jamie, living in neglect and abject poverty, to experience positive life options.

Dr. George was also forgiving and perceptive. The eatery owner who spit in his face became his patient and Dr. George treated him until his death bed when, in tears, the man begged for forgiveness.

In 1966 Dr. George served the Navy as a physician in Long Beach, California. After he and the family moved, I remember sitting in my backyard, staring at their house, hoping for Nayan's return.

We were inseparable as preschoolers and I was very happy when he returned two years later. From 1968 until my family moved in 1977 every day with Nayan was filled with sports, building forts, music, and laughter. When we visit today, there's a natural bond and connective ease.

Dr. George was also an accomplished artist and passed this creativity to his children. Nayan is a successful music producer and owns a recording Studio in NJ where I plan to produce some of my audio programs.

Here's a recent shot of Nayan.

And here's Ross, with his brother Malcolm and Judson on the chair, and me camping with our families at Cape Cod circa 1968.

Camping on Cape Cod with the Ross's family was another highlight. From 1964 until 1971 we'd make the annual pilgrimage to Truro's North of Highlands Campground. It was kid and dog heaven; a walkable distance to incredible surf and beach action, balsa wood airplane challenges, visits to Army Navy and loaded candy stores, lobsters, beach bond fires, and laughter. My parents relaxed at Cape Cod and the normal tensions eased. It was also nice having a friend available in the adjoining campsite.

Ross and I enjoyed airplanes and laughing. Amazingly, despite living over 3,000 miles apart, our professional pursuits are aligned.

In late June, I facilitated a program for a client in Tacoma and had some time on the last day to visit Seattle. I'd recruited the northwest for Brown football players as a coach and at the time was offered a job coaching linebackers with Don James, then legendary coach at the University of Washington. The area holds fond memories for me.

So, I tracked Ross down at Microsoft where he's gained a national reputation as an innovative director; able to maintain unheard of high retention levels amongst gifted technical employees while exceeding performance expectations.

Despite not seeing each other for over 30 years, our conversation was easy and we talked for two straight hours about how he practices tools I teach, apply, and measure with clients. We are collaborating on an article.

And here's Ross's current self portrait.

When I travel, I search the travel area for old friends and contact them. It's like opening a present and seeing how the games and bonds we shared as children evolved into careers and common interests.

It also gives me a chance to place unique experiences in perspective, to appreciate and learn from exposure to great people and great times, and to realize some appearances can be misleading.

In the process, I imagine the goal is to integrate our stories, so we can make sense of our childhoods so they can help us grow into our potential as adults.

Good luck on your journey in opening your friendship presents.

Please keep me posted on your progress.

Transcending Moments

2011-04-24T04:19:00.001-07:00

Easter celebrates Christ's transcendence from death to life. Transcendence, in the form of redemption, forgiveness, talents, resolve, healing, miracles, charity, hope, and faith forms the cornerstone of Christian belief.

Regardless of one's faith, the world offers unexpected events. Major media tends to focus on disasters, but nature offers daily reminders of hope and transcendence. Looking out the window and seeing the green return after this ice filled winter is one.

An amazing moment caught on film involved an Alaskan lead sled dog. It was chained and eating when a polar bear approached. The dog's owner's heart sank as he anticipated his favorite dog's demise.

Instead, he saw both animals strike a play pose and grabbed his camera.

After 20 minutes, the bear hugged his new friend and lumbered off.

Granted, if the bear was hungry, the result may have differed.

Bear Arms!

Bear Muzzle!

Bear Nuzzle!

Bear Hug!

Bear Down!

Transcending, unexpected, events like this offer hope similar moments can fill our lives, like when we connect with an old friend or see a sunrise, or notice a blooming bud.

Happy Easter!

Who's Your Pick?

2011-01-03T22:43:00.000-08:00

"The Character is Higher than the Intellect." - Vince Lombardi

The Vince Lombardi Trophy will be awarded to tomorrow's Superbowl victor. He is the sport's greatest coach.

In his early life, he contemplated being a priest and then an attorney. His football writings, actions, and talks are sprinkled with indirect references to Christianity as when he tells his team they "will pursue, with every ounce of effort in their bodies, pure perfection, knowing full well perfection is not achievable in this life, but in the afterlife. But, we will pursued it with dogged determination."

Players responded to his goodness. On the field he was beyond driven, but did nothing out of malice or deceit. His passion was to improve his players, and to build or expose their character. They trusted him and responded.

Fourteen Green Bay players he inherited from his predecessor became either All Pro or Hall of Fame caliber. The year before Vince arrived, the Packers recorded one win and eleven losses. In his first season, the Pac won seven and proceeded to win five NFL championships included the first two Superbowls.

The president of one of my international clients gave me a Lombardi book. It includes a DVD with a famous speech he delivered at the Waldorf Astoria. In the speech, Lombardi states, regarding personal, organizational, and social success: "the character is higher than the intellect." Vince was referring to sacrifice, courage, collaboration, and goodness; being honest, selfless, and self critical.

Tomorrow's Super Bowl will test this supposition. By most accounts, Ben Roethlisberger, the Steelers' star quarterback, is a bully. He reportedly demeans hotel staff and support people. He settled two recent aggravated sexual assault cases against women out of court.

I am tired of bullies, people in powerful positions who use their status for selfish ends, getting the last laugh. We've seen it with the recent banking crisis, where heads of banks and their boards played roulette with their investments, were on the brink of failure, and walked away with bonuses underwritten by us, the taxpayers. They lie, are selfish, and narcissistic; behaviors opposite to those celebrated with Lombardi.

2010 was a wonderful football year for me. I attended two NFL games; the Jets vs. the Packers at the new Jets / Giants stadium and the Jets at the Pats on a Monday night. During our annual Thanksgiving pilgrimage to NYC, I saw a play on Lombardi. While watching actor Dan Lauria's excellent depiction of Coach Lombardi, I thought of my hall of fame high school coach, Ted Monica.

Coach is a Lombardi disciple and a Korean War Purple Heart. In fact, he knew and worked with Vince Lombardi and administered the Packers' draft efforts for over twenty years. He, like coach Lombardi, had an uncanny ability to muster courage, sacrifice, and a collaborative, or team, effort to raise performance to unexpected heights. We proved it.

The picture above shows us, the 1980 senior class members, commemorating receiving the 1979 Star Ledger Trophy, recognizing NJ's top high school football team. We are the only Group II sized school to ever earn this distinction. This picture shows the recognition celebration during a home football game halftime this past September.

Our class of seniors never experienced a loss and finished our varsity careers with a perfect, 33-0-0, record. We'd gathered for our 30th high school graduation reunion. Our famed coach joined us. In addition, I spent time with the Monicas before and after this celebration and experienced the warmth usually present only with beloved family members. Vince Lombardi was also the first coach to state the critical element in team success is spirit, or charity, or brotherly love connecting teammates.

From my lineman's dream touchdown, to defeating a team loaded with superstars the day after I buried my mom, to starting on three consecutive undefeated championships and never losing a high school game, to reconnecting a friend with his 1977 Madison Championship ring thirty years after he earned it, Coach Monica's Character and Charity have been a beacon in elevating and sustaining me and my hope leaders beat bullies as goodness beats evil.

So, it will be interesting to see if Vince's postulate on character plays true. The Steelers are loaded with gifted football players, including Roethlisberger. Being a champion, based on Lombardi's teachings, requires more than talent. Will the force of Vince Lombardi's considerable aura allow the Lombardi Trophy to be handed to someone whose behaviors essentially mock its namesake?

Stay tuned, Sunday, 6:29 PM. Enjoy the game.

School Week! What Makes a Teacher Great?!

2010-09-02T08:53:00.000-07:00

This week, students return to school across America where much energy and effort is focused on improving public schools and student performance.

Despite recent significant financial awards aimed at these ends, my guess is educational transformation starts with parents, and then teachers.

Teachers appear to be the more controllable variable in this equation. To help parents and students determine whether this year's pedagogues show promise, I decided to reflect and investigate to share traits making teachers great.

Peter Senge, in his Book “The Fifth Discipline” states the key trait distinguishing thriving people and organizations is their ability to learn from their experiences. Creating possibility requires learning from our experiences, rather than being defined and immobilized by them. A great teacher creates this possibility.

Thanksgiving week during my senior year in high school was a pivotal week in my life. My mom was buried the Friday before. She died late that Tuesday following her eight-year battle with melanoma. On Saturday we played Orange High in a football state championship playoff game. On Sunday the senior players took a special SAT make up originally scheduled for Saturday. Then on Thanksgiving we played our traditional rival Millburn High. My mom’s death coincided with the only week of the year when we played two games and took the SAT's.

Thanks to the environment Coach Monica and his staff created, I stayed focused. We beat Orange, led by future NFL star Sam Seale, in the waning minutes of the game. My SAT scores allowed me to be recruited by, and admitted to, the Ivies and Service Academies. We beat Millburn Thanksgiving morning and went on to win our third consecutive championship and undefeated season.

When our season ended Madison's winning streak was 34. We received the Star Ledger Trophy recognizing NJ's top high school football team. To this day, like Hoosiers, we are the only Group II sized school to achieve this recognition. The team needed six more victories to beat the then state record of 39. John Dagon, another captain and our ferocious middle linebacker, and I were named first team all state.

Despite Brown's Coach Anderson professing Brown was a better fit for me than my preferred West Point or Princeton, I missed my mom, Coach Monica, and Madison's special community terribly when I went to Brown. My life transitioned further when my dad remarried one month into my Brown career.

Depressed, I searched Brown's campus my first few semesters for a friendly instructor, administrator, or even staff person, and pulled myself to Barrett Hazeltine's office. Humble, considerate, and friendly, he never forced a solution, but offered support in helping me find my delayed way at Brown.

Multitudes of gifted coaches, teachers, counselors, and professors shaped my transcedence. Three are recognized well beyond their corridors and walls. This article focuses on Barrett, whose name graces Brown University's Teaching Excellence Award.

The following is a condensed version of Barrett's accepting the Robert Foster Cherry Award for Teaching Excellence at Baylor University.

Good teachers are useful.
Why is teaching important? Students are conscious at once of needing to be independent, of wanting to do things themselves, but they are also conscious of how much they don't know, of how much help they need. We, I am speaking as a teacher, meet them at a time when we can be of help, when we can be useful.

We can be useful because we can give our students both the confidence that they can learn (and after learning do) and also the knowledge and the wisdom so this confidence is not a delusion.

Good teachers unveil talent.
Teaching can be thrilling because we get to see students come alive, to realize this poem is meaningful, this environmental analysis is something they can do. I fear I, personally, teach to the bottom of the class - the group for whom education represents high value added, the group that can blossom at a university perhaps because I am so impressed and pleased when the less highly regarded do take off.

Good teachers respect and own their professions’ challenges.
Of course good things do not always happen to those in the bottom of the class and probably the most painful part of the teaching business is making clear what is valid and acceptable and what is not. Teaching can not only be painful, it can also be difficult and risky. One is putting one's reputation on the line every class. We are a profession, like major league athletics, where one is only as good as one's last performance.

Good teachers make students want to learn.
Why is a teacher important? An essential insight for me was that I was not responsible for telling the students everything I knew. I was not even responsible for knowing everything that they might ask me. I was not important to them because of what I knew. They could find out themselves what they needed if they wanted to. The important thing a teacher can do is to make learning significant and possible. We should focus on making students want to learn and trust them to do the rest.

A good teacher represents quality thinking.
A teacher is important because he or she is an advocate for intellectual life. The student, any person in our society, is besieged with choices and advocates for those choices but few advocates duplicate what a faculty member professes. Glancing at a newspaper or evening TV makes it obvious how badly our society needs people of intelligence, confidence and conviction. A good teacher is important also because he or she represents quality thinking. Students need to be able to recognize ideas that are incomplete or inaccurate or insensitive, whether in the popular press or from themselves. The thrill of accomplishment, of learning, is lost when discriminations are not made between high and low quality work. If any idea is respected then nothing is really respected.

Good teachers are committed to their subjects and to integrating balance.
We are good teachers, I believe when we show that our subject is challenging, significant, accessible, when we show that learning is worth doing. We are also good teachers when we show that other facets of life are worthwhile, concern for others, integrity, spiritual life, and a conviction to act on one's belief.

Just as we are representatives of intellectual, moral and spiritual life we are also representatives of our society's culture, what our society appreciates and believes. Technological developments, television, transportation, medical discoveries, to name a few have changed greatly the conditions in which people live, leaving them, in many cases, without a firm sense of what they are and where they came from. The passing on of cultural values is important especially since many of the institutions that give society its stability are presently having difficulty.

Good teachers are like good parents.
Being a parent gave me much insight into what is important in teaching what did I want my own children to become? What should I want for other people's children? I would certainly like them to be intelligent and I would not want them to be ignorant of the arts and of science.

Good teachers foster the desire to meet challenges.
I would like them to be responsible citizens and lead a moral life but most of all I want them to be confident and curious to want to learn, to believe they can learn, to be eager to do new things, to lead a full life. Nothing has happened to a student while in college unless this sense of what is possible has taken hold and a teacher, better than any other mechanism I know, can nurture this sense. I tell my seniors that if they do not feel good about their ability to meet new challenges they have wasted 4 years.

Good teachers are mentors.
One cannot help noting that at most institutions faculty are usually not trained or encouraged to think of themselves as mentors to undergraduates, instructors, yes, mentors not often. Graduate school and the people we meet expect us to be expert in the subject field and rarely explicitly pay attention to the values we profess. We are trained to feel best about ourselves when we have delivered a terribly clear and beautifully organized lecture. We do not always realize that students may often learn more from other things we do perhaps even things we do unconsciously, perhaps especially things we do unconsciously.

Good teachers are dedicated instructors and engage students.
Students do deserve, however, clear and organized class room presentations. A scholarly aspect of our profession is just that to organize and interpret the subject to make student learning more efficient and effective by pointing out fruitful approaches, to show what has worked in the past and what has not. As someone said those who do not know history are doomed to repeat it. It is our understanding, even to ask other things. In larger classes one can use devices like questions, votes (when I bring up what seems an important question I ask for a vote and insist that all participate "everybody has to have an opinion on this".)

Good teachers help students discover for themselves.
My lecture outline handouts have blanks where the student is expected to do something complete an argument or a calculation. I move around the lecture room, coming up to a student in, say, the fifth row and soliciting an opinion from her or him. If all else fails in a dull part of a class one can make a minor blunder, an algebraic mistake, for example, and let the class discover it. I try to find excuses to shake hands because a grade school teacher told me touching is reassuring. Someone else told me the only thing really clear from studies of how people learn complex material is that they tend to remember what they discover for themselves. So I try to structure presentations so students can discover the results for themselves and in the process gain confidence. After all, I won't always be there to help.

Good teachers see themselves through their students’ eyes.
How would I, as a student, want to be treated? As a partner in the educational enterprise. It does help to learn names in a big class. Moving away from the lectern or the blackboard tends to reduce the psychological distance. Giving handouts personally to students creates an opportunity to greet them individually. As a symbolic gesture I often ask the class to decide on some administrative procedures, such as what day the assignments will be due. My own style is to try to find a way to praise every student every day but others may not find that comfortable. At the very least the student should be made to feel welcomed in the classroom.

Good teachers avoid harm.
So how does a teacher do harm? By lowering the student's self esteem so he or she feels the material can never be mastered. By not involving the student in the exercise. By not demonstrating that learning is satisfying and worthwhile. By not making the material clear and absorbing. By acting as if he or she does not care to teach.

Good teachers influence.
People who have chosen teaching have chosen a profession with high rewards and high responsibilities. We do affect greatly, for good or bad, the lives of those we teach. Good teaching is something that requires thought and commitment and practice. Too often it has been taken for granted, neither recognized nor studied. Current improvement initiatives will do much to give teaching the attention it must have.

Great parents, leaders, managers, and coaches are good teachers.

Was it a Sign?!

2010-07-23T15:36:00.000-07:00

20 years ago this week Linda and I were married.

A dubious omen followed.

I lost my wedding ring on our honeymoon.

We walked to a secluded beach, spread our blanket, and enjoyed each others' company.

It was sunny and hot. The ocean was crystal clear, cool, and inviting.

The ring fit loose on my finger. I was afraid it might slip off during a swim. It went into my shorts' pocket. It was wrapped and placed safely on the blanket.

Not accustomed to wearing my wedding ring, I forgot about it until we reached the parking lot, about a half mile from where we spent these relaxing few hours.

We walked back along the low tide line. Soon after, the ocean covered our trail.

My heart dropped. My fingers felt no ring in my pocket. My hands rifled through my other pockets. Nothing.

Linda looked at me with concern. I was flustered and irate with myself. She was an angel, and is still.

She said: "Don't worry, our jeweler can make a duplicate".

I was depleted, but a voice in me sensed hope.

Returning to the hotel, I stopped at the town's Chamber of Commerce and asked for equipment rental businesses, found one, and rented a metal detector.

Returning to our beach blanket site with the detector, wise guys leaving the beach offered me "a few dollars to treat my date".

When we explained we were on our honeymoon and I lost my wedding ring, they offered to help us search.

By then, our initial path from the blanket was under water, so my search started at the blanket site. The tide was approaching the blanket's indentations in the sand. Time was precious.

Linda's ring triggered "BEEP" when we checked the metal detector. Its circular end crisscrossed the site three times. The "BEEP" was my obsession. Nothing sounded.

The metal detector covered each inch of the blanketed area with no response.

Dejected, Linda said: "it's getting dark and the tide is approaching. It's time to give up".

The folks who offered help left, suggesting our ring quest was comparable to finding a needle in a hay stack, but worse since our search area was about to be engulfed with water, and destroyed.

My mind sent me pictures of my perilous midnight climb on a dangerous New Mexico Mountain, last second athletic victories, insurmountable childhood odds and injuries. All these seemingly hopeless situations turned to sweet victories.

And it's been sweet. Twenty years later we have three beautiful children, a loving home, strong bonds with good family and friends, faithful relationships, health, fun, lives and careers dedicated to service, learning, and problem solving, and we have hope.

We also have my original wedding ring. Just before ending the search, I surveyed the area surrounding the blanket's perimeter.

My metal detector sweeps were fast and furious, so the initial "beep" was feint. My heart jumped after hearing it. The detector waved the area again, slower, and the "beEP" was stronger. I isolated the ring's location with the third vibrant "BEEP" and dug my fingers into the sand.

The ring shone bright. It was the most beautiful site.

And, I've been thankful ever since.

Happy Anniversary!

Slow and Steady Wins the Race?

2010-05-28T07:03:00.000-07:00

It was beautiful Sunday morning in New England. At six am, Milo woke me for his walk. We then headed east on route 6 towards Cape Cod to get the newspaper.

Returning on the same route moments later, a woman was standing in the middle of the road, staring at a huge lump in my lane.

From my distance, I guessed it was a large dog, fox, or worse, a person. My sense was it was still alive and this is what moved the woman from her car.

I stopped, pressed on the emergency lights, and rolled down my window. She approached my car and asked me to help. She was frazzled and on her way to work when she saw the lump.

I approached and was amazed. At first, I thought it was a young sea turtle. Every year, my family and I wait in moonlight on Melbourne Beach, Florida shores to watch 1500 pound Leather-back, Green, and Loggerhead turtles propel themselves with their flippers, and coded DNA, up the beach to dig massive holes to lay over 120 eggs.

They cover the holes and lunge back to sea. They return to the same beaches where they were hatched to lay their own eggs often after circumnavigating the globe. My brother in law's family also promotes the species' survival and carries, from these holes, just hatched baby turtles to the sea.

The turtle on route six did not have flippers. It had four huge feet with immense claws. It also had a pointed nose and was snapping. It was the biggest snapping turtle I've seen; almost three feet long and over two feet in width and height. The woman was afraid to touch it, and was afraid a car might hit it.

Remembering what I saw on the Nature Channel, I lifted the 30 - 50 pound turtle from its sides. It kicked with great force and its claws grazed me, but did not hurt me. It torqued its neck, but its jaws did not reach my fingers. I placed her on the side of the road where she was pointed.

The woman stated: "ah, it was actually heading in the other direction when I arrived." So, I lifted it again. It went through the same protective behaviors and hissed. I carried her to the other side of four laned Route 6 where a pond and swamp waited for her to lay her eggs. Based on its size, this turtle was over 100 years old. It's tail looked prehistoric. The turtle was safe.

The woman thanked me and we parted. The turtle reminded me of the sea turtles in the Gulf of Mexico and in the Atlantic Ocean facing this massive British Petroleum oil spill.

Turtles are known to be slow and steady. A famous fable pits a turtle against a speedy rabbit in a race. The turtle's persistence is rewarded and it wins the race against the rabbit who decides to use its anticipated extra time for selfish pursuits.

People in power at British Petroleum made decisions based on short term cost savings when they decided to fill the oil well pipe with known to be dangerous sea water instead of mud. This led to the nation's worst recorded environmental disaster.

The people in power at Goldman Sachs, and at other financial institutions, made decisions to make short term gains with investment vehicles they knew would hurt some clients. This led to the country's current financial collapse, its worst since the Great Depression.

The people running, and making decisions for, these institutions are not leaders. Like the rabbit, their selfish pursuits disrupted the long term good of the whole.

Leaders influence positive thoughts, actions, and outcomes.

Like the diligent and well intended turtle in the race, the good in mankind and in the world will outpace these shortsighted, virtue lacking, selfish people in position of authority and their resulting disasters.

It is time to evaluate how we select and groom leaders; those entrusted to make good decisions. It's what I do for well intended organizations. This will be the focus of my next blog.

Priests and Goldman Sachs and Enrons (McKinseys & Arthur Andersens).....Oh my!

2010-03-24T19:19:00.001-07:00

Survivors:

This is to benefit victims and survivors; those who are suffering at the hands of organizational members; be they priests, traders, consultants, or accountants, whose deceptive behaviors and incompetent leaders - like fish stinking from their heads, fostered abuse and deceit, self serving protection and power, greed, and quick or disturbed gains over ethical, good, and honest decisions.

Successful survivors follow Four Steps to overcome abuse and fraud.

1. Successful survivors reveal the truth to trained professionals. They share all their related secrets and shed light on the perpetration. Victims often falsely believe the abusive and deleterious behaviors committed against them are somehow their fault. This relates to people who are molested and to people who are duped by phony, and contrived, investment vehicles.

Blame always belongs to the instigator / perpetrator. The only way to melt erroneous compartments and their related power and control dynamics is to share the truth with trained professionals. This lifts a tremendous weight and puts the power back in the hands its rightful owner: the survivor. Bullies hate the truth.

2. Successful survivors identify cognitive distortions based on their victimization. Victims can carry a ton of guilt and shame with them, thinking they are to blame for others' malfeasance. This can generate a false sense of poor confidence. In extreme cases, a victim's psyche may cultivate obsessive thoughts to distract from their extreme emotional pain.

It's important for survivors to speak openly about their abuse, so their internal fears and criticisms can be exposed and their compartments melted, so integrated functioning, and present moment joy, are possible.

Healthy survivors separate facts from opinions and approach life from a rational, realistic, objective, and mature perspective.

3. Successful survivors look at their destructive behavioral patterns, rooted in abuse related cognitive distortions, and make better present moment choices. They make constructive and good decisions leading to positive outcomes.

Successful survivors choose behaviors with present moment awareness. They can identify the connection between behaviors associated with inordinate fears and criticisms and choose behaviors allowing them to live free, where they feel in control of their destinies.

4. Healthy Survivors integrate their "true" sense of self with validating / affirming healthier people. They choose to affiliate with people who share their values and beliefs, and who reinforce their positive identities.

Victims may isolate themselves, as their perpetrators prefer. As a result, they do not cultivate the supportive and constructive friendships needed to grow and evolve into healthy survivors.

Successful survivors form healthy identities by sharing secrets, identifying distortions, choosing healthy behaviors, and surrounding themselves with healthier people who affirm their positive identities.

The next entry will be written as a warning to perpetrators, and their supporting hierarchies; to those who think they are fooling us by projecting images of success, accomplishment, and affiliation when, in reality, their phoniness and destructive behaviors are very apparent. They will be exposed. Justice will be served.

They have little hearts, little brains, and little courage.

Catch People Doing Something Right

2010-03-16T18:17:00.000-07:00

Did you ever have a boss who only made her presence felt when something went wrong? Seeing her walk towards me down the aisle made me think to myself, with dread: "damn, what did I do now?"

If a person is only told his faults, he has to learn twice; once to unlearn the wrong thing and once to learn the right way.

As a coach, leader, or manager, it's constructive, and productive, to have a positive association with your people. Imagine if every time I saw this manager I thought to myself, "wow, I wonder what I did right?!"

Brown's Professor Barrett Hazeltine practiced this with passion. If someone shared something insightful in class, he'd race across the auditorium and shake the student's hand, stating: "that's really good", or "wow, you're really smart", in a caring and sincere manner. The student beamed.

In my professional career, associate Joe McCarthy was adept at telling people the specific, wonderful, pieces of their work or contributions. People spent hours with Joe.

In both cases, their offices looked liked deli stands, where students and associates lined up, waiting for insights and, I suspect, an opportunity to be praised. I don't think I ever saw anyone waiting eagerly to meet with my old manager.

If the right behavior is recognized and rewarded, it's likely to be repeated.

So, instead of finding fault, catch people doing something right. It will reinforce the desired behavior, and it will make the receiver's day. It's most impacting when the feedback is specific, timely, and reinforces a core value or goal.

It's easier to attract flies with honey. Have Fun!

2009 Top Ten Surprises

2009-12-28T14:05:00.000-08:00

Great stories question expectations and appearances. Below please find my 2010 top ten unexpected, and rewarding, moments.

10. "Did you hear that?" On a recent trip to our old neighborhood's market, I saw the mother of a student from Lilli's preschool class. I asked: "excuse me, do you have a son who attended "Child's Play"? Shocked, she turned and responded: "well yes, about twelve years ago. How do you remember?" Not sure she'd appreciate my honest response, I offered it in Holiday Spirit.

During their class reading time in 1997, my daughter Lilli sat on my lap and her son asked if he could join us. He made funny faces and expressions to support the story line and checked my response. He leaned close and asked in hushed tones, "did you hear that?"

I asked "what?" Again, he asked: "did you hear that?" I responded: "what?" His excitement and approval seeking showed he hoped for the universal response (laughter) to his bonding behavior. He got it when he said: "I gassed!"

9. Birdie in the window. In unison they shrieked: "It's moving! Get here quick! Daddy, come here fast! Help it!" A sparrow flew into our back porch glass slider and lay on the porch with its head twisted at 90 degrees. Its legs and wings fluttered slow. It looked bad.

The bird kept moving when stroked with a leaf stem. It responded, but it's head stayed at an awkward angle. I lifted the bird and massaged its tiny head and neck. They straightened, but the bird was dazed and struggling to breath. Marisa held it. She kept massaging its back, and it expectorated a bloody seed. It breathed normal. I collected a box, soft rags, some water and bird food.

The bird batted its eyes and moved its head with improved ease, but it appeared too weak, or stunned, to fly. We placed it in the box with warm rags and nourishment. We left to select a Christmas tree. When we returned, the bird was gone.

At 5:30 the next morning, upon returning from my walk with Milo, about six of these sparrows greeted me in song, perched from wisteria overhanging our porch. Never before nor since has this happened.

8. Milo. This labradoodle joined our home one year ago today. He weighed ten pounds. He's all black with a white chest crest and paw. His fur is soft, like human hair. He does not shed. He's friendly to people and animals, and gentle. He offers unconditional love and friendship to my teenage daughters and young son. Milo thinks he belongs on our laps, yet now weighs over 100 pounds.

7. Call 911, or Bill. On December 12th at 5:45 PM I drove to collect my daughters at the movies. I headed north onto route 28, and just above the Rochester, MA tree line, I saw a huge flame with flaring sparks shoot across the dark horizon. It appeared to land in these woods. I stopped the car, called 911, and waited to hear the explosion. None followed. The girls saw nothing.

Everyone I asked saw nothing, except for Bill. My scientist friend and his wife witnessed this precursor Meteor from western Massachusetts while visiting their son at college. Bill was scheduled to wake at 2:00 AM the following morning to watch the complete Geminids Meteor Shower and was amazed by this early, giant, single meteor display. None of the scheduled meteors matched it size or beauty. I can find no one else who saw this meteor except Bill, his wife, and me.

In the summer of 2008 Bill's family lost their fifteen year old daughter to leukemia. Lauren was my daughters' best friend. Like this meteor, she was full of energy and possessed an indelible presence, forever etched in our hearts.

6. UMass Band In October, I joined Bill and his son to watch the University of Massachusetts football team play fourth ranked UNH. It's a fierce rivalry and the game was incredible. UMass won on its final drive.

Despite my love of football, I was most impressed with the UMass band. Its sound, size, and song selection are first rate. Music lifts the spirit. It was an uplifting, and unexpected, professional concert.

5. Philly Cheesesteaks I am a New York Giants fan and attended their games at Yankees Stadium and at the Yale Bowl. In 1976 I attended opening day at the soon to be demolished Giants Stadium. I played at this stadium when my high school football team won its 1978 State Championship (#77 below). I had an NFL Free Agent tryout with the Giants. I am also a Yankees fan. My Brown "offensive" linemate Jeff is an Eagle's fan. He grew up in Bucks County, PA rooting for Philadelphia's professional sports teams.

When possible, we attend Giants vs. Eagles games with Jeff's season tickets. This past March, we scheduled to attend the November 1st game in Philadelphia. As the stars aligned, both his Phillies and my Yankees made the World Series. For the first time in professional sports history, an NFL game including teams from the same cities as those in the World Series played on the same day in the same city.

We attended the Giants vs. Eagles NFL game at 1:00 and the Phillies vs. Yankees World Series Game at 8:00. At both venues we sat about twenty rows from the field. The Giants lost, but the Yankees won this fourth World Series game leading to their 27th championship. The day eclipsed when, at the World Series, I recognized a Penn State player I coached in 1987. We reminisced. This NY sports fanatic dream day culminated at 11 PM when the three famed Philly Cheese steaks I ate at 10 AM settled.

4. Arnie's Wedding I sublet a room from Arnie the summer before my senior season at Brown. We have many common interests including sports, entrepreneurship, culture, and people. In serious jest, we created an ideal date profile and hung it on the refrigerator to compare notes and standards.

It was an elaborate list and I struck improbable gold early when I met Linda while Arnie and I shared this apartment. I'm not surprised Arnie married, but based on the list's criteria, it's basically impossible for someone to meet all those expectations. Felicia does.

Their wedding filled their home with love, friendship, music, food, and an unanticipated mini Brown reunion.

3. Internet Fostered Reunions:

Cindy: Three weeks before my scheduled business trip to San Diego last March, I received a Facebook friend request from my good high school friend, Cindy. She moved to LA to pursue acting in 1991 and we lost contact. The last I saw Cindy was when I was up with infant Lilli at 2:30 AM, and Cindy was on TV with Jane Fonda selling an exercise program. We enjoyed lunch on San Clemente's ocean pier. Cindy also visited our family this past New Year's.

Nayan and Janet: This past summer I received a Facebook friend request from Bev, my Madison, NJ next door neighbor. She forwarded my contact information to her younger sister Janet who is one year to the date older than me. For a good portion of my first fifteen years, we all played a variety of games including tag, croquet, lawn jarts, volleyball, and badminton in our adjoining yards.

Starting when I was a toddler, I also played almost daily with Nayan. His yard abutted our property in the back. We built forts, played sports, and palled around for most of my first fifteen years when sports and my family's move to an adjoining town separated us. We are connected via Facebook and this connection brings me great comfort.

My mom took this picture of Nayan and me when we were about 4. I'm wearing Beatles garb and playing a plastic Beatles guitar from my aunt who attended their concert. This is telling because Nayan now produces major recording artists.

Janet, Nayan, and I never played together. It appeared Janet was called inside when Nayan joined us.

Both Nayan and Janet graduated a year ahead of me in high school. Their 30th reunion was this past fall. Thanks to my sports teams and our high school's peer counseling program, I was close to this class. Thanks to the internet, I reconnected with many of my friends and decided to attend their reunion. It was great seeing everyone, especially my wrestling coach, below, and my wrestling / track / football team mates.

What I cherish most is this picture of Janet, Nayan, and me.

Ramona: Ramona and I connected in geometry class, sophomore year in high school. She has a spark and it's ignited her to become one of four black women in America with both Legal and Doctor of Philosophy Degrees.

Via Facebook we reconnected. She invited me to speak at The University of Maryland, Eastern Shore. I was delayed on takeoff because the FAA's computer system failed. My connecting flight in Philadelphia left premature. I missed the talk, but was able to spend time with the panel members and coordinating students. It was great to see her influence on these students.

2. Business - It was a year filled with unexpected opportunities to offer keynote talks and seminars about transition, resilience, and growth at conferences, at universities, and in organizations. I also earned new clients and facilitated executive team development and strategic initiatives. Many new and existing clients hired me to create, and then sent me around the globe to deliver, management and leadership selection and development programs. These were offered to large, small, and individual audiences.

It's been a twenty year overnight success, and labor of love, refining, delivering, and transferring the traits great parents, coaches, teachers, and leaders use to influence constructive personal and organizational change. Your referrals and recommendations are most appreciated. Thank you.

1. Family Reunion My immediate family imploded when my mom died. I was a senior in high school. My dad remarried within the year and factions grew. I focused on my education, football, faith, friends, career, and my new family, but the immediate changes were difficult. My support structure was gone. I kept a respectful distance. It's been almost thirty years since and this past summer, for the first time, my whole and half siblings, their offspring, dad, and stepmother gathered at Hilton Head for what we hope is the first of many such reunions. Positive relationships foster great energy.

My hope is the New Year brings us more opportunities to connect.

Updates and Uplifts

2009-11-08T11:52:00.000-08:00

Everyday, it seems, the media exposes a famous person's character flaws leading to the demise of vaulted athletes, politicians, executives, clergy, physicians, attorneys, and educators. Outside of athletes, people in these positions are expected, and selected based on their abilities, to be trustworthy. We expect their expertise to protect vulnerable clients and constituents.

Are you ready for some good news?

In March 2008 my family faced great uncertainty regarding our seven year old son's thigh bone being cut, reset to reposition the femur's end in his hip socket, and then his being set in a body cast for more than three months. We were vulnerable.

Enter HASBRO (http://www.hasbro.com/). A week prior to Noah's surgery, Hasbro invited Noah for a tour of its Star Wars design facilities in Pawtucket, RI. Noah met with the Star Wars design team and talked about Star Wars and Indiana Jones with their chief designer.

He and Noah hit it off and I saw why this man is considered a luminary in his field. He could relate to Noah like a seven year old. I didn't understand much of their conversation, but they discussed Star Wars books, characters, weapons, and abstract trivia for over an hour.

Before we left, he asked Noah to select three Ewoks to present to George Lucas to become Clone Wars toys, released following the 2008 summer movie. Noah's recommendations were forwarded to Lucasfilms.

When leaving the office, Noah was asked if a huge bin of Star Wars toys, requiring two men to carry, might fit in our car. As we left the parking lot with this treasure in tow, Noah stated this was the best day of his life. His spirits were lifted and he looked forward to opening up to three toys per week during his ambulatory recovery.

Noah and his new Hasbro friends corresponded during his cast ridden quarter of a year and six month recovery. We learned in June 2008 George Lucas approved Noah's three Ewok suggestions. In December 2008, Hasbro's chief designer wrote and asked for Noah's permission to name one of these selected Ewoks after Noah, in Ewok speak, Nho'Apakk (http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Nho%27Apakk). We were stunned.

Nho'Apakk was released last month in Hasbro's Star Wars Legacy Collection toy line. It is available as part of a two-pack with fellow Ewok Paploo. In November, the design team treated Noah and his parents to lunch and gave Noah three boxes of Nho'Apakk and Paploo and the new wave of legacy characters. We are humbled by this corporation's selfless consideration and thoughtfulness for Noah.

Hasbro Inc. also underwrites Hasbro's Children's Hospital where the gifted hands of noted surgeon Michael G. Ehrlich, M.D. guided us through Noah's ordeal. In Noah's most recent evaluation, Dr. Ehrlich was very encouraged and allowed Noah to return to full activity less contact risk sports like rock climbing and football.

We are not out of the woods. Whether Noah's surgery proves successful in preventing life long physical limitations will not be known for several years, but he is trending and responding very well.

Football changed my life and opened doors for me I never fathomed possible, so when I see Noah's restrictions, my heart pangs a bit, but I realize each person's path is different.

Regarding my football blog on Madison, NJ High School's Championship Football Rings,
(http://mattpaknis.blogspot.com/2009/02/championship-rings.html), Bobby Irving, or Irvs, contacted me with the following message.

"Matt! I have an update that you are not going to believe. The Josten's lady could not duplicate a new ring from the pictures Bernie forwarded, so I tracked down Coach Monica. He put me in touch with Guida Jewelers. Mr. Guida is the gentleman that helped design and place the order back in '77.

After 8 months of pictures from Bernie Tiger and emails to Mr. Guida, Mark Monica loaned Mr. Guida his ring. They made a duplicate for me and sent it to me. It is BEAUTIFUL and is an exact replica of my first ring. I received this ring in June, but wait, there's more.

In July, our master bathroom shower leaked into out kitchen. It was a long hassle collecting the insurance money. After receiving the money we decided to buy new cabinets and update our lighting.

I found a gentleman to help me and we received the cabinets and went to work tearing out the old cabinets. One of the old base cabinets was wedged between the range and a doorway. In order to get the cabinet out I had to pick it up over range.

I loosened the screws, picked up the cabinet and sitting on the floor, under where the cabinet had been, was my original 1977 championship ring.

I broke out laughing and my buddy just thought I had gone off the deep end. When my daughter arrived home I showed her the ring and she was ecstatic. I am going to give it to her on her birthday next year. I think I'll put it on a necklace so it's harder to lose.
Best Regards, Irvs"

This fall marked the 30th anniversary of our Madison High Dodger Football Team's Hoosier like ascent to the Star Ledger Trophy, recognizing NJ's top ranked high school football team. It was our team's third consecutive undefeated, state championship season, but we were a Group II, or second to the smallest, sized school. Thanks to our winning, and beating teams starring the state's best and fastest athletes, we ended my senior season ranked number one. I was a captain and the lone three year starter.

Coach Monica turned 80 this year and I called him on his birthday. The pains caused by his war wounds, and recognized with Purple Hearts, give him little relief, but his voice picks up whenever he talks about the Dodgers and his teams.

My mom and dad met at Madison High School in the early 1950's where she was a cheerleader and he was a linebacker and center. During my 1979 senior season, my mom succumbed to her eight year struggle with melanoma. She was buried the day before we played Orange featuring Sammy Seale, the fastest schoolboy in NJ who went on to play in the NFL for over ten years.

We won in the last minute when Steve Doherty scored behind my block. This experience galvanized in me the value of team, compassion, resilience, leadership and goodness - honest, selfless, and self critical behavior.

These traits, demonstrated by great organizations like Hasbro, are what now send me around the globe for my clients, helping them identify, groom and transition new managers and leaders. Despite trying economic times, my business continues to grow.

It is shocking to read about public and professional officials who violate the public's trust. Athletes, like Tiger Woods, are not selected or elected based on their competency to demonstrate skills or good decision making. They are gifted and we choose to be entertained and uplifted by their transcending physical qualities.

However, for people like me, who have life long love affairs with sports thanks to the goodness and positive experiences they helped us experience and funnel in our communities, we associate good character with athletic success because these are the base principles sports are taught to teach; sportsmanship, integrity, trust, cooperation, drive, determination, humility, resilience, friendship, teamwork, leadership, community, and role modeling.

It is disheartening to see egos, self interest, cheating, narcissism, money and fame undermine the initial intent of athletic competition - to better man and society.

Perhaps it's time to recognize good organizations and to include character as a critical competence, and determinant, of success.

Happy Holidays and Best Wishes for a Successful New Year!

Mentors and Success

2009-09-04T07:50:00.000-07:00

In "Overcoming the Odds", Emma Werner and Ruth Smith share their research of Kauai's indigenous children determining resiliency factors influencing a Kauai child's capacity to transcend a population rife with excessive rates of alcoholism, poverty, and suicide.

Their thirty year study identified three factors influencing a child's capacity to overcome significant obstacles to become happy, fulfilled adults. The factors are not interdependent. Please find them listed below.

1. A child is more likely to overcome obstacles if no siblings are born within two years of his or her birth. Receiving focused nurturing and care in the first two years of one's life has a strong impact on one's ability to handle setbacks.

This translates to primates where chimps' normal gestation cycles are five years. When a chimp's sibling is born within this five year period, the older chimp usually fails to reach adulthood.

Werner and Smith also learned 2. children with special talents or skills, whose traits garner early recognition, are more capable of overcoming significant odds. Being artistic, athletic, academic, cute, big, funny, etc. attracts positive attention and gives a child hope. This is critical in fostering direction and confidence.

The study also found 3. Kauai's resilient children had at least one adult in their lives who took a sincere and meaningful interest in the child's well being. Resilient kids have mentors. Whether it's a parent, neighbor, coach, teacher, relative, or another member of the community, children need someone to care about their well being and to give them specific feedback to achieve goals.

Mentoring is the most controllable of these three resiliency factor. It's easy to identify good mentors and to train sound mentoring skills.

And, mentoring makes life more satisfying. A gallop pole surveyed Americans to determine "what makes Americans happy?" The survey found three actions contribute to a person's sense a satisfaction. Please find them listed below.

1. Happy people contribute to a cause larger than their immediate family, like a community center, church, or school.

2. Happy people identify and use their unique talents and skills.

3. Happy people make meaningful differences in other people's lives. They mentor.

A person or organization utilizes mentors to bounce back from adversity and to succeed. Being a mentor increases life satisfaction and happiness.

It's a win / win relationship.

Reaching the Peak

2009-08-05T16:50:00.000-07:00

Great expectations don't always guarantee anticipated results, but a positive outlook and effort can bring uncommon rewards and growth.

It was the last night on the course and everyone was looking forward to ice cream at base camp the next day. Ten days of hiking fifteen to twenty miles per day with forty pound packs on our backs, and eating rationed, dehydrated food, leaned our bodies. It got me in shape for football camp.

Our goal was to merge with another New Jersey group and to greet the sunrise atop the Tooth of Time, a jagged rock outcropping whose silhouette brands Philmont belt buckles, shirts, and coats, recognizing the famed New Mexico Boy Scout reservation.

It was a fitting end to an eventful ten days where I worked to keep our unit together and safe. John Gruber, the unit's adult leader, threatened to leave us three days into the trip. Eagles on our crew were squawking over extra food, and acting, according to John, like brats. He wanted to leave unless they stopped. With peer pressure,they changed. Also, my boots were falling apart, yet they finished the trail intact.

Our unit was filled with Eagle and Life Scouts. Rank does not always correlate with leadership. I was First Class - the lowest rank allowed at Philmont. Despite my lack of merit badges, the unit awarded me an iron nail we forged at Cypher's mine.

The blacksmith stated it was to be given, at the end of the trek, to the most influential scout. This nail sits on my office desk, a constant reminder of our final morning's ascent.

We woke at midnight. I cut my fingernails before bed. In the high altitude, my finger tips swelled. This and being dazed from two hours sleep made me unable to tie my pack and shoes. I was in a fog. I think Owen Bird or Mark Copas offered to help. Or maybe it was Neil Guthrie.

As we hiked, I couldn't open my eyes. My sleep was off. I'd wake every night between two and four AM and remained awake until about five. The extreme quiet, or distant noises, made my mind and heart race. Rest was impossible. Early in the trip, I thought a bear visited our camp as we slept. We found bear tracks the following morning. This impacted my sleeping patterns.

The trek was a testing ground. My mom was into her sixth year of remission, but she was hurting. This and my dad's related sudden outbursts created undue stress. My schoolwork suffered because I was truant and hanging with questionable kids. Scouting was great for me, but it was not like my father's experience. We was NJ's youngest Eagle recipient, ever.

Life's tougher knocks overwhelmed me. It was hard for me to look at my situation with perspective when comparing my results with other kids'. I felt like a loser and wanted to prove myself.

My plan was to follow and reflect on the two positive weeks. It was very dark. There was no moon. John and Mr. Ames, the other unit's leader, assessed the map and thought we missed the Tooth's trail. They suggested we blaze a new path connecting us with the Tooth's proper trail they figured was between the Tooth's big mountain outlined in the night's sky behind us, and a smaller mountain we faced.

With a frenetic bounce appropriate for his Teddy Roosevelt looks, including the handlebar mustache, Mr. Ames forged ahead on a small, rough, path. It resembled a deer path. Brush was pushed aside. It was not well worn. Our units followed until we came to the base of boulders. A scout from the other troop led the climb. As he crawled, he loosened some rocks and they were falling. Some scouts panicked and screamed about being hit. Someone yelled: “I broke my leg”. The leader endangered climbers behind him so John and Mr. Ames stopped him.

There was a private meeting between Mr. Ames and John, but I heard them. They did not want to climb back down the loose boulders with twenty two scouts in the dark, yet they had no idea what lay ahead. I offered to lead the expedition and felt an adrenalin surge. There was a solid faced rock between boulders. It seemed to have enough hand holds and moss to make a continued climb possible.

I was hyper alert, and very cautious. We realized we missed the correct trail leading to the Tooth of Time and we were in a dangerous jam. One slip would cause an avalanche. We climbed the mountain in front of the tooth. It was not a marked, or approved, area. It was pitch black. We were in the middle of a vertical boulder field. We learned later several scouts were critically injured a week earlier at this exact site, in broad daylight.

I was calm and sensed there was a solution. Not everyone was on board. About three quarters up the mountain, after maneuvering around a ledge while checking its stability with my heels, Mr. Ames lost it. He was saying to himself: "Oh God, what did I do? One slip and we will all die!"

I told him to relax and to keep moving forward. At the same time, my arms walked me, like on parallel bars, across a crevice as my legs dangled free. It was a black hole and I imagined a bear or snake was resting in it. Everyone helped each other across the hole. No one was injured.

A well traveled trail appeared. We followed it and rested on a series of ledges in a clearing. We watched the silver lined clouds framing the sunrise. Looming directly behind us was the majestic Tooth of Time, our intended destination. It was crazy, but I learned more by taking this unmarked path than by climbing the traditional, well traveled, Tooth's path. In some ways, this parallels my life. I am very thankful for sensing guidance and leading those 22 scouts to safety. At the ledge, I sat down, cradled my head in my hands between my knees, gave thanks, and slept.

There was a broad, safe trail leading from these ledges down the other side of this mountain to base camp. The ice cream and subsequent naps were refreshing. And, my positive outlook started me on a unique high school odyssey.

In the fall, I gave up Scouting to focus on football, wrestling, and track. My grades got better. Our football team went undefeated over the next three years and we finished top ranked in NJ my senior year. I graduated from Brown, coached college football, received a Masters Degree, and created a business. The attitude influenced by this wrong and dangerous Philmont Mountain path changed my life for good.

Memorial Day Reflections

2009-05-26T19:51:00.000-07:00

Growing up, my role models were those who served to protect and defend the United States of America with honor, duty, and compassion. On this Memorial Day 2009, I’m reminded of five men who risked or gave their lives and well being to preserve our freedoms.

Edmund Bowen (above right), my grandfather, was a World War I Army Veteran. He was blown out of fox hole and lost considerable hearing as a result. He was also the only member of his battalion to survive the blast. Most of this war involved hand to hand combat. He spent the remainder of his long life coming to terms with those horrors. In addition, he became an inaugural member of NJ’s State Police Force where happenstance allowed him to meet my grandmother. Throughout his life he served and assisted those less fortunate.

Joseph Salvest, my Godfather, served the Army with distinction in World War II’s Pacific Theatre where resulting injuries precluded his ability to have children with his wife, my great Aunt Myrt. They married during a long weekend furlough between two year long calls. He became postmaster general of the second largest, per volume, postal center in the country. As its board member, he established National Credit Union Member accrediting standards exceeding FDIC requirements.

Ted Monica, my head high school football coach, is a Marine Veteran who received a Purple Heart in the Korean War. A bullet lodged in his spinal column, ultimately causing great pain in his back and legs. In his twenty five years as a coach, he never discussed his military service yet led exceptional teams to record victories. His legacy is the selfless teamwork and coaching skills he modeled and fostered amongst his players. He helped his players accomplish things they never thought possible.

Fred Lippitt, my former neighbor and friend, received two Purple Hearts; one for his service in World War II and one for his service in Korea. He shared with me the bullet a nurse place wrapped in his hand following his surgery near a World War II battle front. This injury rendered him unable to have children, so he dedicated his life, and considerable good fortune, to elevating those less fortunate. He was a public servant, philanthropist, leader, and friend to all.

Dave Laychack, my Brown fraternity brother, lost his life on 9/11/2001 when an aircraft commandeered by terrorists smashed into the Pentagon. Dave’s office was located on the building’s perimeter wall. It took searchers three months to find his remains. Dave left a wife and two children. I’m guessing they were in his thoughts as he gazed from his office that morning.

The freedom to choose to attend a university, and then to work as a civilian for the department of defense, was afforded Dave by sacrifices made by men like Fred, Ted, Joe, and Ed. As undergraduates, it was appropriate, albeit ironic, for Dave to think quickly to avoid violence as he broke into patriotic song and lead us in a singing protest against students petitioning the Solomon Amendment.

This amendment conditioned eligibility for Federal financial aid for higher education and job training, Federal government employment, and other Federal benefits with an individual’s registering with the Selective Service System or certifying he or she was not required to do so.

Most members of my fraternity came from middle class families with military histories and were happy to register with the Selective Service System. Many of us were recruited by, and considered attending, United States Service Academies.

One fraternity brother, Bobby, questioned the petitioners by quipping: “let me get this straight, your petition basically states you want the United States, and our tax dollars, to support you financially while attending Brown, and as “thanks” you say “screw you, I’m not willing to sacrifice for you”, is that it?“

Following Bobby’s question, the small room filled with forty fraternity members and the two petitioners became hostile. At the time, our fraternity had no housing privileges. We were walking on egg shells to comply with the university’s good behavior expectations to qualify to return to campus housing. A violent outburst against these visitors would ruin the chance to get housing, yet seemed inevitable until Dave’s quick response and stirring rendition of “God Bless America”. Our voices, not our fists, blasted these petitioners from the room. We ultimately secured campus housing.

Dave, Steve Brown, and Dan Nelson were seniors. They were graduating and were in no position to benefit from us being granted housing, but they supported us through their senior year, especially Dave. His dedication and loyalty was exemplary.

Dave had a quick wit and a great sense of duty. We were not surprised to learn he dedicated his work life to the Pentagon. A few weeks ago, my family toured this facility. We visited Washington to see the memorials. We also arranged Capitol Building and Pentagon tours via our congressman.

We learned the Pentagon has 17.5 miles of corridors. If placed on its side, it would be taller than the Empire State Building. It’s the largest functioning office building in the world with 23,000 employees.

Dave’s area was under construction the morning of the attacks. If this area was occupied to capacity, at least 6,000 – 10,000 people would have perished. One hundred and twenty five (125) employees and contractors died while working at the site. An additional fifty nine (59) hostages aboard Flight 77 died on impact bringing the casualty total to 184. Although horrific, it could have been much worse.

Some engineers speculate had it not been for the steel girders, in place to support renovations, the plane may have destroyed the entire building. I believe Dave blocked the plane’s potential destruction. In the memorial garden, of the 184 benches, Dave’s sits closest to the building, signifying his proximity to impact.

The contractors tasked to reconstruct the building committed to finishing the project within a year of the attack. They charged no overtime, yet worked around the clock to accomplish this goal. They considered this considerable sacrifice their contribution to society. They succeeded.

I am humbled and deeply patriotic thanks to the behaviors and selfless sacrifice my role models demonstrated. This devotion to the United States was shared by most of my hometown friends, but I had to search for it at Brown. Not many of the faculty or students embraced the fundamental truths dictated by the constitution and defended by my role models. Instead, I saw people manipulate these protected rights for selfish reasons - social and economic advancement.

I do not see our candidates for higher office or Supreme Court appointments demonstrating their sacrifices as often as I hear them using political correctness for personal promotion or to browbeat others from challenging their perspectives.

Granted, not everyone feels their protected class, affinity, or family was treated, historically, with the same equality as my role models. The two Brown petitioners may have been fighting the Solomon Amendment because they felt it penalized gays.

During the tour, another interesting fact was shared about the Pentagon. The building has twice the number of bathrooms and water fountains required by code. When it was built in 1943, a mere 66 years ago, separate facilities were required for different races.

The system Jefferson and his cohorts penned, the system my role models defended, can correct and adjust itself with incredible speed. To date, it can be argued, it’s the greatest governing system ever created.

Drive for Life: Just because You're Diagnosed with a Life Altering Disorder Doesn't Mean it's Time to Give Up!

2009-02-20T08:45:00.000-08:00

John “Bake” (his nickname complements Brown point guard Alex Bynum’s “Shake”) McBride and I were on the same schedule during our 1980 freshman year at Brown University. We shared, along with twenty five other young men, the third floor bathroom in Perkins Hall.

Perkins is the most removed dorm from Brown’s main campus. It was acquired from Bryant Business School and sits on the edge of Fox Point. Before gentrifying, Fox Point was a blue collar neighborhood filled with immigrant populations. When we started at Brown, Fox Point had fallen on hard times. Rumors had a robust street drug trade thriving around the corner, though I never witnessed illicit dealings. Suspicious characters flourished.

Perkins has a typical brick and mortar institutional look yet attempts to reflect Le Corbusier edicts with pillars supporting its jutting first floor, to separate living space from the street. The roof became “Perkins Beach” when the weather turned nice, but between November and April, sunny days in Providence are as uncommon as ethical legislators in its capital building. Cement engravings extolling: “As Ye Sow” centered on its left façade, with matching: “So Shall Ye Reap” on its right, greets visitors.

Being on the top floor secluded us from the central campus community, but fostered a close bond with survivors. The dorm’s location added considerable distance to the athletic center, classes, libraries, and meals. Several hall-mates, burdened with time management challenges, left Brown for academic reasons.

Brown blended freshmen football recruits, more hockey recruits, a few basketball recruits with several female weight throwers, rowers and interspersed them with about ten students accepted to Brown’s then seven year medical program on our hall. These students were admitted to medical school out of high school. It was a culture clash – extreme jocks with extreme students.

I lumbered upon and stopped attempted crimes, including assaults, on my off hour travels to and from main campus and speculated Brown placed athletes with big bodies from urban settings on Third Floor Perkins to deter crime and to befriend and to protect less imposing dorm mates. Brown was strapped for cash and I’m guessing they decided to transfer the added security risk to us large students.

If true, it’s twisted irony. Outside of a few notable exceptions, Brown made large, male, heterosexual athletes feel unwelcome. The implied message was clear; presence and physical gifts are not significant, memory and brain power are. Most faculty and staff stereotyped us. They inferred our physicality was the key factor in gaining admittance. They assumed we were inferior students, yet placed us in a disadvantageous location to study so our physical gifts could help secure the campus.

It was edifying seeing friendly Bake preparing his contact lenses every morning. Bake and his roommate, Robinson “Robby” Alston were from the Bronx, and they were likeable – cool, yet eager to smile. I think Rob could bench press more than anyone on our freshman football team. He played nose guard with a gracious spirit. Bake was a basketball recruit. He was about 6’3” with natural calm. Nothing bothered Bake. He just kept plodding, and observing. I noticed him shaking his head once and guessed he was wondering how a third floor contemporary gained admission to Brown.

At least once a weekend our dorm was cleared at 3 AM when a hockey recruit returned to his room and, drunk beyond cognition, triggered the fire alarm. His behavior changed a Providence Fire Department policy with Brown. Prior to Scott, the fire department never charged Brown for false alarm responses.

I observed and admired Bake over four years. Although we did not share living space after freshman year, we remained friends. He played varsity basketball. He has a great perspective, and an imposing presence. I figured he would go to law school, or return to NYC and carve a unique career. He seemed to have a beacon directing him. He was always in control, and always moving forward.

About a year ago, and thanks to Face book, Bake and I reconnected. I learned he returned to NYC, married his Brown sweetheart, Jessica, and has two children. He’s worked for Manhattan’s Department of Transportation and its Department of Finance for most of his career. He started his MBA at NYU’s Stern School, found the students beyond cut throat, the antithesis of his valued teamwork, and left. A crisis prompted Bake to return to school and to receive his MBA from Baruch College. When we talked for the first time in twenty four years, I was reminded of his eloquent speech and thoughtful insights.

We exchanged pleasantries, caught up with each other’s lives, and committed to stay in touch. Based on our initial conversations, Bake’s life appeared to meet his expectations and my anticipations for him. After reading the blog about my son’s hip disease and surgery last year, Bake shared his Cross with me. This deepened our friendship and opened new communication levels.

In 1998 Bake McBride was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS).

Multiple sclerosis (abbreviated MS, also known as disseminated sclerosis or encephalomyelitis disseminata) is an autoimmune condition where the immune system attacks the central nervous system, leading to demyelination. The disease onset usually occurs in young adults. It is more common in females. Its prevalence ranges between 2 and 150 per 100,000. MS was first described in 1868 by Jean-Martin Charcot.

MS affects the brain and spinal cords’ nerve cell ability to communicate with each other. Nerve cells communicate by sending electrical signals called action potentials down long fibers called axons. These are wrapped in an insulating substance called myelin. In MS, the body's own immune system attacks and damages the myelin. When myelin is lost, the axons can no longer conduct signals. The name multiple sclerosis refers to scars (scleroses – better known as plaques or lesions) in the white matter of the brain and spinal cord. This is mainly composed of myelin. Although much is known about disease process mechanisms, the cause remains unknown. Theories include genetics or infections and different environmental risk factors.

Almost any neurological symptom can appear with the disease, and often progresses to physical and cognitive disability. MS takes several forms, with new symptoms occurring either in discrete attacks (relapsing forms) or slowly accumulating over time (progressive forms). Between attacks, symptoms may go away completely, but permanent neurological problems often occur, especially as the disease advances.

There is no known cure for MS. Treatments attempt to return function after an attack, prevent new attacks, and prevent disability. MS medications can have adverse effects or be poorly tolerated. Many patients pursue alternative treatments, despite the lack of supporting scientific study. The prognosis is difficult to predict. It depends on the subtype of the disease, the individual patient's disease characteristics, the initial symptoms and the degree of disability the person experiences as time advances. Life expectancy of patients is nearly the same as that of the unaffected population.

In 1997 Bake’s legs tingled. At first, he was bothered, yet not too concerned. Over time, the searing jolts intensified. The pain and anticipation prompted him to undergo a battery of tests, including an MRI and an EMG. The tests returned negative. Symptoms continued through 1997 with no conclusion.

In 1998 Bake experienced Optic Neuritis; he lost vision in one eye caused by the swelling and destruction of the myelin sheath covering the optic nerve. The most common etiology is MS. Up to 50% of patients with MS will develop an episode of optic neuritis, and 20% of the time optic neuritis is the presenting sign of MS. Bake received his diagnosis.

At first, he was in denial. As an athlete, Bake always prided himself on controlling his body, his emotions, and his destiny. He felt strong, and kept working out. His identity was wrapped in his physical prowess and gifted agility. As he experienced significant strength loss, Bake’s denial shifted to resistance.

Bake, who once flew through the air to knock down slam dunks, must now give his feet instructions to walk. At Virginia Beach one recent summer, he was rescued from the waves after his body failed to respond to his brain’s command to get his face and body out of the water.

Feeling his body fail forced Bake to acknowledge, perhaps for the first time, lost control. Accepting and managing MS is the hardest, albeit most affirming, challenge in Bake’s life. He constantly proves to himself he’s much stronger, mentally and emotionally, than he ever fathomed. This acceptance has spawned emotional growth and empathy for others.

Prior to his affliction, Bake was less tolerant of people who appeared to be overwhelmed and halted by what he perceived as “normal” (failings or obstacles causing dissatisfaction with health, friends and family, recreation, romance, finance, career, living conditions, or spiritual /emotional well being) setbacks. He assumed they used these challenges as excuses to blame or to wait to be rescued.
He felt they should, as his mom preached: “pick themselves up and get on with getting on”.

Now Bake identifies and empathizes with people struggling with life’s unexpected changes. He figures they may be suffering like him, from a somewhat disguised mental or neurological malady, and he accepts them. He hopes for them. Because of this, his mother in law states she likes Bake more now than before his diagnosis.

How does Bake maintain his incredible calm, focus and positive outlook first admired on Perkins Hall 28 years ago? The MS gave him a renewed appreciation for life’s miracles. He’s more attuned to laugher, beautiful days, coincidence, consideration, art, music, family, and friends. His MS allows him to apply his considerable focusing abilities to be present, to compartmentalize more temporal concerns like finances and work, to address his body’s needs.

According to Bake, his mom resembled a drill instructor. She did not tolerate failure. She demanded her children to plow through problems, to avoid self pity and to keep moving forward. There are many challenges in Bake’s family. Jessica is a breast cancer survivor. Bake’s brother is 6’8” and was a basketball marvel with NBA potential before blowing out both knees and a shoulder. One sister has colitis. Another sister suffered partial, permanent, hearing loss at sixteen months. His siblings were not allowed to wallow in misfortune. All were expected to explore options, to choose a path, and to get on with life. They all evolved into productive citizens.

Post script: When I spoke with Bake for this article, he and his ninety six year old father just watched Obama’s inauguration. Due to the color of his skin, and while being raised in South Carolina, Bake’s father experienced legal segregation, suffering, and limited opportunities in America during the first half of his life, before moving to New York City. Bake stated his father just shook his head in wonder as Obama took the Oath of Office, amazed at this symbolic correction of social ills. My hope is Bake will one day experience similar elation when an MS cure is discovered. Merck is in the process of gaining FDA approval for a promising MS treatment. In the interim, Bake will be energized with his new grandson, Cash.

Championship Rings

2009-02-01T14:21:00.000-08:00

Expected: Today, the Arizona Cardinals or the Pittsburgh Steelers will be crowned Super Bowl Champions – football’s ultimate prize. To recognize this achievement, the winning team members will receive championship rings.

Doubt: Is it possible to connect a football championship ring with its rightful owner after more than 31 years?

Trials: Bernie Tiger, www.serenitysjourney.com, was mentioned in my October 2007 blog. We attended high school together in NJ and reconnected in 2004 after crossing paths at our respective child’s middle school orientation. Bernie’s son and my eldest daughter are in the same class at our Massachusetts regional middle / high school, attended by students from three abutting towns. Our meeting is Providence.

It’s hard to avoid Bernie. He was the tallest person in the auditorium, and he looked somewhat familiar despite adding a few requisite pounds. A few days later, I saw him at a Blockbuster Video store. We stared at each other. I nodded, and said to myself: “man, this guy looks like Bernie Tiger”, but figured it was just a striking resemblance; Bernie’s being in the area was too improbable. Plus, I side stepped my daughters’ mortification and subsequent wrath by not greeting Bernie, his son and friends.

After Blockbuster, I returned to my office and received an email from Bernie. He wrote he saw me at the orientation and at Blockbuster, then did a web search and saw it was, in fact, me. He reintroduced himself and asked if I’d remembered him from Madison. Of course I’d remembered him. Several things stand out about Bernie. First, as mentioned, he is big. Second, he is talented. We were in the same freshman drafting class. Every week Bernie’s work was posted on the board with Mr. Tourell’s coveted “Excellent” comment.

Third, we are football teammates, positioned next to each other in our 1977 Championship Team Photo. We had a unique team incident. I cracked my helmet (a helmet once belonging to Bobby Monica, our Head Coach’s middle son and a Madison Athletic Legend) down the middle against Summit, NJ during this 1977 sophomore year and needed Bernie's helmet. Bernie, and eventual All State linebacker John Dagon, were the only players with helmets big enough to fit my great pumpkin. John played special teams, and was needed on the field. Bernie had less football experience and was eager to let me wear his helmet.

Fourth, Bernie and I were raised by a terminally ill parent and lost this young parent to cancer. We also share transition challenges caused by our respective parent’s remarriage. Bernie's dad had colon cancer and died when Bernie was fifteen. Bernie's mom remarried and moved Bernie, his sister, and his brother to Pennsylvania. Thanks to the move, Bernie did not graduate with our Madison High class. He sort of disappeared. We never knew what happened to him.

As soon as he moved, Bernie and his stepfather butted heads. He threw Bernie out in the dead of winter. Bernie slept in the snow for three nights, looking for work during the day. He found and lived at a Salvation Army for six months. He was homeless.

Transcendence: Despite these significant odds, Bernie survived, and then thrived. He stuck with his passion, music. He played bass guitar in a band. He got a job. He earned his GED. He had the spiritual and emotional tools needed to self protect. He looked around, saw others succeeding, and realized there was no difference between them and him. He knew he could compete in the race. He started testing himself, to see how he could improve himself. Success proved he was good. He belonged. He met his eventual wife. He got a better job. He and his wife had a son and committed to doing it right. He was relocated to the Massachusetts town next to mine. Bernie and I meet for breakfast or lunch, or to workout, about every two weeks.

On January 19, 2009, I received a Facebook message from another high school teammate, Bob Irving, who is two years older than Bernie and me. Irvs is an amazing person. He is full of heart and inspiration. He’s always been this way, and especially since battling back from cancer, diagnosed in 1980. We reconnected at the Ted Monica Field Dedication in September 2007. Coach Monica is a NJ football coaching legend. Our playing field is named for him. Irvs and I trade emails and messages.

After responding to Irvs recent note, I noticed Bobby Monica, who is two years older than Irvs, listed as a friend on Irvs’ Facebook contact list. I also noticed Mark Monica, www.impactpads.com, listed on Bobby’s friends list.

Mark and I are Madison classmates. As quarterback, he led us to our third consecutive, undefeated, NJ State Championship title during our 1979 senior year, admirably replacing graduated Steve O’Donnell, who was then playing for Bo Schembechler at Michigan. Mark and I grew up together. We were in kindergarten together, and shared most elementary school classes and friends.

The 1979 season was significant for me because my mom succumbed to her eight year battle with melanoma a few days before our state championship playoff game. She was buried the day before. Mark, John Dagon, Pete O’Donnell, and I were senior football captains. The love, teamwork, and leadership I experienced during this season fostered my resiliency and prompted me to pursue my career.

I mentioned my lunch with Bernie Tiger to Mark. He wrote back immediately, stating he was helping his dad and mom organize his dad’s football belongings a few months earlier and came across a wrapped ring box with “Tiger”, #79 – Bernie’s number, and 10 ½ - Bernie’s ring size, on the sleeve under the wrapping. Mark was not sure what he did with the ring. He remembered Bernie as a good guy, but never knew what happened to him.

I wrote Mark it'd be great to surprise Bernie. Mark wrote back: “Pak-nye, I FOUND BERNIE TIGER'S RING. The foam inside the box has seen better days, but the ring itself is pristine. Can you imagine giving this thing to him 32 years later? Call me at the office tomorrow, toll-free 866.393.1400 please. Talk to you later.”

Mark followed this up with: “Ring went out today via FedEx Next Day Air. You should have it tomorrow morning by 10:30AM. I sent it Priority so the chance of it getting lost is decreased (never know with these guys). Good luck!”

This past Thursday, January 29, 2008, I surprised Bernie Tiger with his 1977 Madison, NJ High School Football State Championship Ring, at, ironically, a restaurant named “How on Earth” in Mattapoisett, MA, more than 31 years after, and four states away from, the original awards ceremony, thanks to a series of championship – football, telecom, and friendship - rings. It fit. I claim Bernie almost passed out, at least got teary. Bernie refutes this.

Post Script: As I was leaving “How on Earth”, I returned a call from Bobby Irving. His daughter had lost his 1977 Madison High State Championship Ring, and he was calling to see if I had mine (I do) and if he could get some pictures. He’d met a woman from Josten’s who stated she could make a duplicate with ease from photos. Bernie is making the jpeg copies of his ring to make Irvs’ new ring.

KISMET!

Just because it was a tough year doesn't mean we can't be thankful.

2008-12-24T13:00:00.000-08:00

It was a rough year.

Watching my seven year old son awake from eight hours of surgery and anticipating his next three months in a body cast was numbing.

Spending dinner with close family friends and reviewing travel photo albums with their beautiful daughter while her best friends, my daughters, were away visiting their cousins in Florida was delightful. It was devastating five days later when her father called to say she'd fallen into a terminal coma.

To lose the last vestige of someone I referred to as a mother die when my godmother died in December forced me to reflect on the passing of a wonderful generation of our family's WWII era cousins.

To see my mother's cousin's husband die made me wish for happier times, when we'd spend every Christmas Eve together.

To hear my first friend describe how most of the black kids from our NJ neighborhood died young makes me question community in America.

To learn two admired Brown classmates; one a freshman hall mate who evolved into an Ivy basketball star and the other a fraternity brother and football teammate, our star quarterback, diagnosed with MS and advanced lung cancer, respectively, was unbelievable given their devotion to life and health.

Reading about a once great firm, where my father toiled as an honest stockbroker for thirty five years only to leave in disgust when its senior executive mandated selling very suspect investment vehicles responsible for its ultimate demise, was surreal.

To see once vaunted security firms and banks, many with whom I verified and facilitated transactions during my college summer job, topple like dominoes was disheartening, and infuriating.

To see executives prosper under very little government regulation, and then to see them expect a government bailout because their firms' massive sizes, thanks to growth fostered by deregulation, forced no other alternative, makes me very suspect and condemning of the leadership in our country.

To see the CEO's of Chrysler, GM, and Ford, beg for a bailout after pushing gas guzzling products on American markets was a joke.

To hear a governor attempt to sell a senate seat was shocking.

To read a man swindled fifty billion dollars ($50,000,000,000) from his friends, clients, and charitable foundations is unimaginable. To realize the SEC and internal auditors let this perpetuate is reprehensible.

To watch: my son suffer, our friends go into shock over the loss of their daughter, my father shake his head, our family mourn, my hometown wash its hands of its needy, my classmates struggle, our society tailspin from the character flaws of its leaders is painful.

But there is hope.

My son is walking, running, and wrestling. The love and skill his surgeon and therapists, family, teachers, friends, and classmates expressed demonstrated great community, and fostered his resiliency.

Our friends' son is applying to, and qualified to attend, the best universities in the nation. His capacity to function at his high level in the wake of losing his sister is remarkable.

Our extended family added three new babies in the past year, laying groundwork for a new era of cousins.

My classmates are moving forward, exploring possible solutions and committing themselves to being in the moment; appreciating life day to day. The former basketball star's mother in law stated she likes him better now. He empathizes with, rather than critiques, those struggling.

Teammates returned from around the globe to spend time with our quarterback, and to watch the Brown Bears beat Harvard on Brown's march to an Ivy League Football Title.

Related to this, I met with a Japanese college fraternity brother for the first time in twenty five years when our business schedules connected us in San Francisco.

Our nation elected its first African American President. I was in Ireland on business during the election. Before the election, Irish people asked me about the candidates and expressed great fear and concern about Obama. After the election, every Irish person I spoke with was very excited about Obama and wished similar change would bestow Ireland. They stated America is great.

If anything, I hope Obama's election will give future generations of black men, unlike those from my old neighborhood who died young, a sense of direction and inspiration; to become contributors and problem solvers.

Thanks to faulty character and leadership, a slate is cleaned. Opportunity and scrutiny will welcome new leaders, and my hope is entrepreneurship and enterprise will again spark great innovation and opportunity in our nation.

I am inspired by my clients who make great things and provide great services. They spawn new markets and cultivate innovative opportunities.

I am thankful for my beautiful family and wonderful friends. If you are reading this, you fall into one of these two categories.

Grace, hope, faith, and love carried us through some very dark times in 2008. My Christmas and New Years Wish is for these good traits to bless you and your family so we may continue to grow and solve problems.

Where are the Leaders?

2008-09-16T08:10:00.000-07:00

Just because someone is in a powerful position doesn't mean he or she is a leader.

Given:

I am very thankful I was born and raised in America. I can't think of a better place to live or a better system wherein to raise my family.

My great grandfather Julius was a Lithuanian immigrant. His first boss assaulted him while pushing Julius to a production record laying railroad tracks. After being stuck with a long pin in his backside, Julius, nicknamed "Bear" for his 18.5 inch neck, arms, and calves, turned and cold-cocked his abusive foreman.

Fearing deportation, or worse, Julius sprinted to his sponsor's apartment (in those days, in order to gain entry to the United States, immigrants had to pass rigorous physical exams and be supported by a family whose innate incentive was to make the new person self sufficient).

Hiding and shaking in his closet, the police arrived and escorted Julius to the courts where his sponsor and interpreter explained to the judge my ancestor's defense. The foreman, with his mangled nose and face, explained his side of the story.

The judge turned to the foreman and reprimanded him for assaulting a good worker, for creating a hostile environment. The judge stated new members of our society should be treated as our country's finest resources.

The judge then turned to Julius and told him his acts were justified. The judge also apologized for the foreman's abusive acts. In response, Julius stated, and repeated throughout his life: "this is a great county!"

Julius became a successful real estate investor and developer.

He raised four children, and became his community's patriarch, building its church, community center, and school.

Why do I share this story?

Doubt:

The collective goodness of our society is under scrutiny these days.

Trials:

Crisis in the financial sector, and the government's bailout, makes us question these leaders' character and competence. How could these firms' leaders be so incompetent? Would it be more prudent for governing bodies to monitor these investment firms and prevent collapse prior to bailing them out? Why bail them out if the firms were allowed to conduct business with little or no regulation?

Major flaws in presidential and vice presidential candidates highlight flaws in their selection process, and the media's integrity.

Even one of my former employers, a venerable football coach who preached humility, is being attacked for putting his ego and inability to step down ahead of the team's well being.

My corporate clients refer their very qualified family members to me for career coaching. We develop creative solutions despite the lack of opportunities stemming from poor leadership.

Few free enterprise opportunities are found in states where the government is the largest employer. Companies do not flock to areas where taxes and utilities are high, where labor is contentious, and where the legislature has a bad reputation.

As a nation, it feels like we are being stuck in our collective backsides by corrupt people in powerful positions. Yet, as in Julius' case, there appears to be no wise and benevolent leader protecting our interests.

In the brief time since my great grandfather came to the United States, its leadership seems to have deteriorated. The good traits trusted institutions taught, and my neighbors practiced, included selflessness, honesty, self criticism, and humility. They are overshadowed by current stories describing corporate greed, narcissism, selfishness, lies, and self promotion. Following suit, these behaviors appear more often in society.

Corporations are not totally at fault. The country's purported best universities teach, and demonstrate, a comparable pattern of short term, selfish acts, but they are not reported. When new university, and other "not for profit", presidents are selected, rather than demonstrate true leadership and be expected to solely influence their new constituents, they bring in henchmen, just like their weak corporate counterparts, to invoke fear and retribution for anyone not toeing the party line.

This is the antithesis of leadership, and I hear about it every week. This practice creates lemmings, and ultimate failure. Real iconoclasts are cast aside. These communities create followers who sound the same, look the same, and think the same. Actually, they don't think, they regurgitate. Crisis, exemplified by disasters in The Space Shuttle, in The Big Dig, and now on Wall Street, ensues.

Transcendence:

So what's the answer?

In Julius' era, there was a clearer sense of truth, or agreement on what was right and wrong. Clear judicial goals, roles, and processes facilitated healthier relationships, and fostered a collectived commitment towards common causes; namely, the country's viability and sustainability.

I witness this collective goodness when people reach outside of themselves to help a cause, or someone in need. It's productive, and it makes them happy.

Leadership, to me, taps a collective truth and inspires people to act in selfless and positive ways, with constructive outcomes. It builds more leaders and good results.

And, the best way to select a leader is to look for these factors in his or her past.

Noah's Recovery

2008-07-06T09:32:00.000-07:00

Just because a 7 year old boy is in a body cast for 10 weeks doesn’t mean his life stops.

The good things we learned:

In the beginning, we moved Noah in his cast like prized China. By the end of the ten weeks, he was climbing from his bed to his wheelchair, unassisted, and maneuvering his wheel chair with precision and speed. He also pulled himself around on the floor, building his upper body. His spica cast weighed around sixty pounds, ran from his ribcage to his feet, with a two foot long bar separating his ankles. During the last few weeks in his cast, Noah climbed on my back to wrestle.

Visits are great.

Our first visitor at the hospital, following Noah's surgery, was Reverend Bob MacFarlane from Marion's First Congregational Church. He delivered Noah a hand knitted prayer shawl, created by the church's knitting club. Noah loved the visit and the shawl. He kept it on his lap. He also distinguished Reverend Bob from priests by stating: "Reverend Bob has a wife". This visit and gift helped us feel less alone in the process.

Noah’s grandma and grandpa visited twice. The first visit was during Noah’s first week in his cast when they offered to take Noah to “No Kidding Toys” in Mattapoisett. Before this, he did not want to leave the house. He was self conscious and concerned with being hurt in the transition. As soon as they offered their incentive, Noah was at the door in his wheelchair, asking people to speed up. By chance, one of his classmate’s, Ayana’s, mom was at the store and was very happy to see Noah. This added to his joy.

Noah’s uncle Brett visited twice. He focused on Noah and became a seven year old playmate for these weekends. They played video games, joked, and giggled most of the time. Noah loved this. When he had to, Brett encouraged Noah to take things positive.

A highlight was regular visits to Ned’s Point Lighthouse Park to fly a kite. Noah challenged himself to see how fast he could make the kite airborne. As a result, we learned about Buzzard’s Bay daily wind patterns. We also ate cheeseburgers and fried clams from the Oxford creamery, and fed seagulls.

We attracted close to 100 seagulls one day and opened the van’s side doors to see who could lure a seagull closest to the van. Uncle Brett won. He closed a French fry in the passenger window, and then stuck his finger out the window, like a French fry decoy. As a seagull gnawed on his knuckle, Brett jumped and Noah laughed until he cried.

When Brett arrived on his second visit it was past 11 PM, and I told him Noah had gone to sleep, but he could go in and say good night. As he entered the dark room, Brett was welcomed by Noah imitating Al Pacino in Scarface saying: “Say hello to my little friend.” Then, Noah emptied his new Nerf machine gun’s magazine on his uncle. Noah had waited all night for this surprise. Brett falling in hysterics made the wait worthwhile.

During his fifth week in the cast, I perched Noah on a jetty rock next to the water at low tide, to be close to feeding gulls and ducks. The rock allowed him to lean at about 70 degrees prone, his first resemblance of standing in over a month. He took a deep breath, smiled, and did not want to return to his regular, more horizontal, position.

The day Noah’s cast came off; I asked him what he considered most positive about the experience. He responded: “that’s easy dad; Mrs. Dineen”. Mrs. Dineen was Noah’s tutor. She visited almost daily for a few hours and kept Noah on track with his classmates’ curriculum. Her pleasant smile, kind manner, and calm disposition allowed Noah to focus and thrive.

Mrs. Dineen brought Noah Cherry Garcia ice cream after learning, during Noah’s report on his Lithuanian heritage, Jerry Garcia sponsored the 1992 Lithuanian Olympic basketball team with uniforms and tie died warm ups. During his report, Noah wore a tie-died tee shirt I received for supporting this effort.

We learned Lithuania gained its most recent independence from Russia in 1991. Prior to this, Russian Olympic Basketball teams were populated with Lithuanians. The fledging 1992 team needed funds and the Grateful Dead’s front man embraced their cause. In one of its greatest moments, Lithuania beat Russia for the 1992 Olympic Bronze Metal.

Noah was also visited by his teacher Mrs. Villa, his buddy Nick, his cousins Darya and Rachel, his Aunts Gail and Lisa, and classmates with their parents. We were also visited by PBGV breeders and their loving dog Lottie, who we met while investigating their handsome brood in Falmouth. My Brown roommate Arnold Lewis visited with his family, and Noah very much enjoyed playing with his son, Cameron.

We also dog sat for Gail and Darya’s year old Labrador, Reilly, and decided to walk Reilly to visit Nick. This evolved into a carriage ride as Reilly pulled Noah in his wheelchair down the street. Noah wanted to see how fast Reilly could pull him, but we stopped when his wheels vibrated, almost beyond control.

While in his cast, Noah also enjoyed going to the movies. He saw Iron Man and Indiana Jones, twice. He then wheeled around Target searching for respective, licensed toys he learned about while meeting his new Hasbro friends.

Gifts are welcomed.

My good Hasbro clients and friends learned Noah would be laid up for three months. They also learned he loves Star Wars and Indiana Jones. This led to Noah being invited and to visiting their Star Wars, Indiana Jones, and Marvel design and selection teams a week prior to his surgery. He selected the next Ewok characters to be developed. He also left with a box full of Star Wars “test” toys.

In addition to his prayer shawl from church, Noah received a knitted blanket from hospital volunteers. These draped over Noah's cast, and comforted him.

My lifelong friend Fred Campbell-Mohn, his wife Celia, and their daughter Emma sent Noah very imaginative dragons and space toys, and the latest activities from Narnia. Another good Madison, NJ friend, Bernie Tiger, who now lives a few minutes from me in MA, also sent Noah very thoughtful space related gifts.

Noah’s uncles Jud and Robert and their families sent Noah fun packages including a squirting ring, fake spider gum, and whoopee cushions. I honestly fell for the spraying ring trick, several times. Robert was able to locate and send a discontinued Lego set Noah searched for and hoped for months to include in his collection.

Noah’s great aunts Jane and Peggy and great uncles Bob and George sent regular care packages including another special Lego set, a servant’s bell, harmonica, and another whoopee cushion – a constant gift from my mom’s side of the family. Noah loved these. My mother’s cousin Iris and her daughter Catherine, who were dealing with the demise of their husband and father, John, also sent Noah several creative play toys. His grandma’s sister Lois and her family also sent Noah a get well present.

Mrs. Villa delivered a signed and framed class picture and a box of gifts from their second grade class.

The head of Brown Alumni Relations sent Noah a Brown baseball cap.

It was amazing watching Noah’s face light up when he received a package. Thanks to so many people, this was his regular experience.

Notes are wonderful.

His grandma sent Noah a card at least every week. Iris, just as she sent me while I was at Brown, sent Noah very thoughtful weekly updates. My cousin Russell, his wife Jamie, and their son Sawyer utilized the internet to connect with Noah.

Nick delivered a box filled with cards from each of Noah’s classmates. These are precious. Ayana wrote; “I’m very worried about you. Call me.”

Even my sister Pam, who, I think, last sent me a note when I was in high school, sent Noah a get well card. I told him he must rank very high.

Noah’s room, our converted living room, included a hospital bed, a laptop computer with internet access, an Xbox, a Game Cube, a TV, DVDs, books, and toys. As the weeks progressed, the fireplace mantle, surrounding book shelves, and entertainment shelves were covered with cards, letters, and notes. These were constant reminders of concern and care.

Share the weight (wait).

When people asked the obligatory: “Hey, how’s it going?” rather than offering the rote response: “Good thanks. How’re you doing?” I trained myself to answer honestly: “It’s rough. My seven year old son Noah had major hip surgery and he’s in a body cast for ten weeks.” The responses were heartwarming and generous. People offered their time and support to help. It was sincere.

My clients are my coworkers, so I don’t have a normal office setting where I can share family updates and regular office chatter. My clients were aware of Noah’s condition. Some offered me more at home creative course design and workbook projects. This allowed me to be near and pitch in at home more readily. I really appreciate this consideration.

To supplement normal office support, I called our Reverend Bob MacFarlane weekly, visited friends like the Frantzes, and spoke to my college line mate and buddy Jeff Trauger on a, if possible, more regular basis. He refused to change his normal teasing and harassing treatment of me. I actually appreciated this.

Noah’s condition and its uncertain outcome – we won’t know if this procedure will prove successful for a few years, added a great deal of stress to our household. We did our best to not to let it destroy our relationships. We looked for opportunities to visit with positive people, to laugh, to learn, and to focus on positive outcomes. It was not easy. Either Linda or I spent every night on the couch next to Noah. It was like having a puppy or infant in the home again. Every basic function needed assistance.

Prayers and Positive Thoughts are Powerful.

Noah’s attitude and giggles kept us upbeat and humble. I kept wondering how I would manage if I was in a similar circumstance, and I could not fathom it. Every day he looked forward to new projects. He did very little whining. He attempted new challenges. He really looked forward to visits and packages. The cast did not victimize him, but made him search for ingenious methods to address his physical obstacles and challenges. We created funny stories, and made up funny voices while reading creative stories.

My sense is the good thoughts and prayers people sent Noah’s way had a very positive impact on his spirit and recovery. Thank you.

Also, it's impossible to write this type of recap without missing a thoughtful person, visit, note, or thought. So I apologize for my inevitable oversight and thank you for your support and help.

What we’d like to change:

Predictable Outcomes

It would have been nice to avoid or prevent the whole circumstance, but this was not in the cards. We waited until the last functional time for Dr. Michael Ehrlich to perform the surgery, hoping and waiting for Noah’s hip to correct itself, as is the case for most Legg – Perthes patients. As mentioned earlier, Noah was monitored, and in traction every night, since infancy. I hope to have more certainty about the surgery’s ultimate success.

Adult Responses

Some parental responses to Noah’s cast were upsetting to Noah. Kids have a hard time hiding their keen curiosity and interest. Their stares and questions are normal and Noah handled them well. However, some parents’ awkward looks and responses surprised me and upset Noah. I will approach kids in special circumstances with kindness while checking boundaries. I hope adults will do the same.

It's better to give than to receive.

After the initial surgery and after the cast was removed, Noah and I stayed in the hospital for several nights. After his cast was removed, we had two roommates. The first was a four year old boy named Brandon who needed a private room because his chemotherapy kept him awake and ill all night.

After Brandon’s bed was changed, a young Chinese boy named Jason was rolled into the room with an entourage including an interpreter. Jason was the only member of his family who could speak English, but his parents needed to consent to his treatment, including a CAT scan. His eye was swollen like a softball. It looked like he was hit by a baseball bat, but the swelling was caused by an infection. He rubbed his eye after touching poison ivy. Doctors worried the rapid spreading infection might affect his brain.

Jason wailed as antibiotics and other medicines were administered intravenously. Noah asked me to give Jason the stuffed animal Noah got at the gift shop to celebrate freedom from his cast. As Jason was wheeled from the room for his scan, we noticed him clutching this animal. Noah shot me an approving glance. I hope the folks who sent Noah gifts realize the satisfaction Noah felt in giving this gift to Jason.

By the time we left, Jason’s eye was just about normal. The same was not the case for Brandon. He was heading to Boston’s Children’s Hospital for more treatments. I hope Brandon and his family, and like suffering kids and their families, won’t have to experience these painful events.

Hope springs eternal.

The first two weeks Noah was freed from his cast were difficult. His tender joints gave him great pain. Anticipating movement made him shake. His therapy helped increase mobility. Every day brought progress. I wish we could have avoided this step, but suffering leads to endurance and endurance leads to character and this leads to hope.

Silver linings

It’s a long process. Noah won’t be sailing this summer. But he’s having a great time playing with his cousins Alex and Gabrielle, visiting Gail and Darya on Cuttyhunk, and swimming in the backyard. I wish we could blink our eyes and be healthy and happy, but these trials helped us appreciate life. They introduced us to new circumstances, and allowed us to see the best in people.

Patience + Persistence = Progress

2008-04-03T06:39:00.000-07:00

Expectation: My wife and I, like most parents, do everything possible to protect our children from danger and pain.

Doubt: When he was an infant, we noticed our son's left hip clicked and it was not flexible. It did not open as easily, or as much, as his right hip.

Trials: We took him to an expert Pediatric Orthopedic Surgeon named Michael Ehrlich who determined Noah has Legg-Perthes disease. In these patients, proper blood flow does not reach the head of the femur; it dies, and regenerates in about 70% of the cases. The malformed head does not fit well in the hip's socket, thus causing tightness and muscle spasm.

He was placed in traction every night between the ages of one and six, when MRI's showed normal bone formation. Noah was given freedom to participate in physical education and we put away the traction apparatus.

Most recent pictures showed further femur deformation. We consulted with Dr. Ehrlich and our family friend, who trained Dr. Ehrlich during his Mass General residency many years ago. We all agreed surgery was the best option to afford the femur proper space to grow, to improve life quality, and to reduce the likelihood of early hip replacement.

Watching one's child suffer is painful. When I was a child, my mother had extensive cancer surgery requiring over 1000 stitches to mend. Although I felt bad for her in her condition, I also felt she had the strength to beat it. Perhaps this is the perception most children have about their parents. They are heroes.

Anticipating Noah's six hour procedure, and seeing him in post operation, was horrific. Seeing him suffer and feeling little control over improving his condition is my ultimate parental frustration.

Transcendence: He opened his eyes. He did not cry. Dr. Ehrlich credited his "gorilla brain" - high pain threshold. He amazed his nurses and staff in his initial recovery. He ate and slept well, and required minimum pain medications.

The Dr. was very pleased with the surgery, but nothing is certain. He's now in a body cast for ten weeks, but he's home, with a structured day filled with reading, internet communications with friends and family, movies, bird watching out the back window, computer games, Lego building, and writing crazy stories with dad.

Hearty giggles have returned. The pain has further subsided.

We hope the same for all hospitalized and suffering children.

Does the End Justify the Means?

2008-03-07T12:36:00.000-08:00

Given: My parents, grandparents, and most adults in my family and immediate community, including my teachers and coaches, were my role models. Based on my memory, they were not cheaters. To my observation and awareness, they did not lie, cheat, or steal to make short term gains or to get ahead. They worked hard. They were honest. They were selfless. They were self critical. They were creative.

Thanks to good leadership, they lived in an area with good opportunities to succeed. People were satisfied with making their lives better than their immediate ancestors. The culture encouraged and rewarded integrity and community. It punished shortcuts and people who broke rules to get ahead. Talent was recognized because standards were clear. Talent outweighed connections, and packaging.

Doubt: In recent weeks purported character flaws have dominated media outlets. A vaulted athlete (Roger Clemens) was accused of taking performance enhancing drugs. To raise its moribund basketball program, the country’s supposed beacon of higher education (Harvard’s athletic department and basketball coaches) was accused of illegally recruiting and admitting great basketball prospects scoring well below Ivy athletic admission standards. An executive with a local company was terminated for bribing a public official to gain business. A national figure was accused of brokering an oil deal for financial gain with a tyrant known to orchestrate horrific human rights violations.

In each case, there is overwhelming evidence that rules and laws were circumvented to gain a competitive advantage and power. Nicolo Machiavelli, in the 15th century, stated: “Politics have no relation to morals”.

Cheating in athletics disappoints me because its Greek origins were designed to test and elevate character, strength, and purity, for participants to gain self awareness and truth from victory or defeat. The goal was to improve participants holistically, to better society.

Trials: I’m not surprised but it is disappointing. Cheating is almost as common as integrity in my experiences. A few of my contemporaries took steroids in the early 1980’s, as did some of my competition. I shook my head reading their profiles prior to these games, ready to spend the afternoon blocking yet another player capable of bench pressing 500 pounds. I found solace knowing these behemoths, if really talented, would be playing in the Big Ten, or at least in the Big East. What they had in size, they lacked in foot speed and technique.

Regular students discussed cheating at every school where I studied or coached. There seemed to be an unwritten:”don’t ask, don’t tell” policy between some players / coaches regarding steroid use, and between some professors / students regarding cheating. Often, cheating signals were ignored.

A chemistry professor I know witnessed a student cheat on his final exam. As the student submitted his exam, the professor asked for the paper. The student asked the professor if he knew the student’s name. The professor did not, so the student lifted the pile of exams, tucked his answers in the middle, and walked out. This reminds me of the question: What do you call a medical student who cheated, or almost failed medical school? Doctor, but I hope not my doctor.

Harvard’s recent run of Ivy Football Titles was accomplished with several players making headlines for their off field criminal behavior. My high school coach always called this smoke screen and mirrors, or creating an illusion while being just as devious or corrupt as anyone else. It looks like the charade continues with Harvard’s basketball program.

To many, Harvard is the beacon of thought and behavior in Higher Education. If high school players and coaches, or competing coaches and players know Harvard cheats, or cuts its corners to maintain its perceived pedestal, some may interpret this as permission to take similar short cuts. Machiavelli also said: “One who deceives will always find those who allow themselves to be deceived”.

As for Roger Clemens, if, in fact, he took performance enhancing drugs, he did not need them. He had the talent, technique, and the drive to make it to Cooperstown “the right way”, with hard work and good nutrition.

Transcendence: For every person who decides to cheat, there are more people who make good decisions. Good beats evil. Light beats darkness. Positive beats negative. A person cannot experience both of the dichotomies in these pairs at once. Most of my peers decided against taking steroids or cheating in their classes. Everyone has free will and the choice to do right.

Athletics are loved because they give us the opportunity to experience human potential and grace. When someone’s preparation and passion collides with opportunity a miracle can be made. Kirk Gibson's homerun, Franco Harris' immaculate reception, Michael Jordon's game winning shots, Tiger Woods' incredible shots, the 1980 Olympic Hockey Team's Gold Medal, are examples of transcending moments in sports, when sports lifted athletes and fans to a higher plane.

Does the end justify the means? Cheaters may experience short term gains, but are less apt to experience transcending moments because positive and negative forces can't coexist. Cheating undermines focus. For those who are patient and persevere for their opportunity, the end glorifies the means! Dedication to a cause prevails because the person focuses all his or her natural talents to pursue his or her passion. This galvanizes energy. It keeps hope alive. Please enjoy the attached video clip highlighting one such moment.

A Giant Victory

2008-02-11T11:05:00.000-08:00

Given: The Pats were expected to win the Super Bowl. They are the only team to finish a 16 game NFL regular season undefeated. They entered the 2008 Super Bowl with an 18 – 0 record. Most prognosticators expected them to beat the 10 – 6 Giants, who started their season with two losses, and accumulated six. At the time, fans called for the Giant’s Coach Coughlin to resign, and for their quarterback, Eli Manning, to be benched. A former star, Tiki Barber, criticized Manning for not being a strong leader. The sports betting line hovered around fourteen points in favor of the Pats. In New England, fans were eager to see Brady and Moss carve through the Giant defense.

For the past 17 years, my family and I have lived in New England and I follow the Pats. Yet, I also support the Giants because I am a New Jersey native and was raised a diehard Giants fan. My father’s childhood next door neighbor was Giants’ legend Alex Webster. Alex’s younger brother Jim was my dad’s best friend. Jim and my dad played two on one football against Alex on his knees. Many years after retiring we visited Mr. Webster, or “Big Red” in his Seagirt, NJ home. He owned “The Stadium” restaurant in town. My grandmother lived one town south, in Manasquan. I attended opening day at Giants Stadium with a friend whose stepdad happened to be the Doctor who delivered me, and who had season tickets. My Madison, NJ high school football team played a state championship game at the Meadowlands my junior year. While practicing, we saw some of the Giant players. We beat perennial powerhouse Butler, 35 – 14. A professional soccer team, The Cosmo’s, used the stadium and we were assigned its locker room. I used the star Pele’s locker.

Before an artificial turf practice field was installed on Brown’s campus, we practiced at Foxboro Stadium when preparing for away games against West Point, Cornell, and Penn, teams with artificial turf stadiums. We saw Patriot players. After playing at Brown, I had two failed NFL try-outs; one was with the Giants, the other with the Pats. Last Super Bowl Sunday, I was torn between the teams. My loyalty was with the Giants, but my emotions and hopes were for local Pats’ fans and an undefeated season, to see their joy and to see history made. My high school team never lost a game over three years, and it is special for fans and players to experience a great record.

Doubt: The Giants won. The pregame paparazzi focused on the Pats and their enviable record. The Giants felt snubbed and turned this rejection into tenacity. During the game, Big Blue appeared more driven than the Pats when diving for loose balls and passes, wrestling fumbles from Pats’ hands, and, in the final moments, clinging to an unconventional pass pinned against receiver David Tyree’s helmet.

Trials: The Pats’ fans and players are in shock, searching for reasons to explain their team’s unexpected outcome, for its squandered chance for football immortality. There’s frustration in knowing they came so close to a perfect season, only to let it slip away with 2:39 left to play. On local radio, hosts and callers wonder if inferior play calling, strategy, intensity, or effort explains their team’s inability to capitalize. The once deified Coach Belichick’s play calling is being questioned. He is criticized for leaving the field early. New England fans share a collective sense of loss, and emptiness.

Reports from other regions in the country state their NFL fans were, in general, pulling for the Giants. They were tired of the Pats’ success. They felt coach Belichick and his crew flagrantly cheated with Spy gate and the Super Bowl outcome vindicated those who believe character counts. They feel quarterback Tom Brady is too pretty, Belichick is too distant, and the team is too smug. They celebrated the down to earth Giants’ victory and the Ticker Tape parade up Broadway to City Hall. The Giants and their fans, as opposed to the Pats’ fans, are euphoric. Their last Super Bowl victory was in 1991. Their quarterback, Eli Manning, was the target of NYC’s media’s wrath since starting with the Giants. Vilified for supposedly not having his brother’s brains or brawn, he came into his own with an exceptional performance and uncommon family encore. He copied his brother Peyton, last year’s Super Bowl winning quarterback and MVP. Both Eli and Giants’ Coach Coughlin were on hot seats, with experts expecting them to be gone had their miracle season not unfolded. People were tired of coach’s staid and scornful style.

Transcendence: What turned the Giant’s pumpkin of a season into a first class coach, and the Patriot’s admired coach into a pumpkin? Perhaps it was fate. In an interesting twist, Coach Coughlin and Coach Belichick descend from the same coaching tree, established by Bill Parcells. They worked as his assistants on the same Giants championship staff. This season, it seems Coach Coughlin became more accessible and human to his players after creating a players council, getting feedback, and learning to relax and have fun. The Spy gate episode further separated Coach Belichick from the media and fans. He fueled his players with feelings of being under siege. As coach Coughlin laughed, shook players’ hands and patted their backs while building a record of eleven consecutive road game victories, coach Belichick pushed away reporters, opposing coaches, and fans as he ran from the field. He seemed to push his players with darker motives, to fight against an enemy he created. Towards the end of the season, his team appeared zapped of its energy. Coach Coughlin’s beaming simile suggests the truth of leadership and team energized the Giants. It set them free. Perhaps the Pats can learn something from the champs.

Please Help

2008-01-17T07:43:00.000-08:00

Greetings!

It was a good year, and let's hope 2008 brings greater treasures.

With this in mind, I'd very much appreciate your help with four inquires.

Job satisfaction and performance is directly linked to one's relationship with his or her boss.

As a result, my clients want strong working relationships. I offer them one on one coaching programs, team development sessions, seminars, retreats, and very well received Practice of Management Certificate of Completion programs. The certificates are granted to successful graduates by either my corporate clients or to my clients through accredited universities. Below please find the related inquiries.

1. I want to expand all my services in 2008, and in particular, the certificate programs. If you know people at organizations wanting to identify, select, and develop their management and leadership talent, I'd greatly appreciate your contacting me in private.

2. The proven tools, theories, and cases my clients use to influence themselves, others, and their organizations is compiled in a Performance Playbook. This information was collected during my playing and coaching days, while being educated, and while working and consulting. Do you have, or see, a need for this information?

3. Associates and I are transferring this information online, to be delivered as blended (self directed and instructor lead) learning experiences through universities, clients, and perhaps to individuals. Are you and the organizations you know familiar with self directed learning? Do you see a need for this application / service to improve management skills and working relationships?

4. What related or specific topics would you like this blog to present this year?

Your public or private feedback is most appreciated.

Thank you and best wishes for a wonderful 2008!

Best-

Matt

Happy New Year!

2008-01-01T09:40:00.000-08:00

From the Lowest Depths there is a Path to the Loftiest Heights

Given: It was the last night on the trails and everyone was looking forward to ice cream at base camp the next day. Fourteen days of hiking fifteen to twenty miles per day with forty pound packs on our backs, and eating rationed, dehydrated food, leaned our bodies. It also helped me get in shape for my sophomore high school football season.

Our goal was to merge with another New Jersey group and greet the sunrise atop the Tooth of Time, a jagged outcropping of rock; its silhouette branded the Philmont Reservation on belt buckles, shirts, and coats. It was a fitting end to an eventful fourteen days where we tested our endurance, courage, and communication skills to help our unit remain together and safe. I was also relieved. My boots started coming apart about half way through the trip. It looked like they would finish the trail.

We woke at midnight and started hiking, to insure seeing the sunrise on the Tooth’s peak. I cut my fingernails before going to bed and my finger tips swelled. This and being dazed from two hours sleep kept me from being able to tie my pack and shoes.

As we started to hike, I had a hard time keeping my eyes open. My sleep was off since the first night on the trail. Every night I woke between two and four and remained awake until about five. The extreme quiet, or distant noises, made my mind and heart race. I could not rest. On one of the expedition’s first nights, I heard a bear near my tent. In the morning, we found bear tracks around camp. This influenced my sleeping patterns.

Doubt: The trek was a testing ground for me. My mom was diagnosed with cancer six years earlier. This, combined with my dad’s related anger and other traumas, caused some problems. My schoolwork was abysmal for five years. I was truant. I hung around with questionable kids. My scouting experience was good for me, but I did not excel like my father. At the time he received the award, he was the youngest Eagle in NJ history.

My lack of sleep put me in a fog as we headed to the tooth. I was hoping to hike and enjoy the scenery while reflecting on the two previous positive weeks. It was very dark. There was no moon. We hiked for a while when our adult leader, John Gruber, and Mr. Ames, the other unit’s leader, started questioning the map. They thought we lost the Tooth’s Trail. Instead of turning back, Mr. Ames recommended we blaze our own trail until we were able to rejoin the path between the Tooth and the smaller mountain facing us, situated east of the Tooth. The stars outlined these mountains, barely.

Trials: With an eager bounce fitting his Teddy Roosevelt looks, replete with his handlebar mustache, Mr. Ames bounded into the rough path causing our initial derailment. It resembled a deer trail. Brush was pushed aside, but there was no established path. Our units dutifully followed until we came to a wall of boulders. One of the other troop’s scouts led our initial ascent up these boulders, but he chose a dangerous path on loose rocks weighing well over several hundred pounds. One slip would be disastrous for the twenty one men and boys behind him.

Mr. Ames and John met in private, but I was within earshot. They felt it was too risky to climb back down the loose boulders with twenty two scouts and no visibility. Yet, they feared what lay ahead. The boulder movement, and their fears, shook me. I offered to lead the expedition. There appeared to be solid faced rock between the walls of boulders. And this sheer rock seemed to have enough hand holds and moss to make a safe climb possible.

Thus, I started ascending this mountain. With some disappointment, we accepted the fact we had missed our initial goal to climb the Tooth Trail. Enthusiasm turned to fear as we realized the seriousness of our predicament. We climbed the boulders and ledge on this mountain in front of the Tooth. We created communication systems to insure everyone was safe, and following secure holdings. It was pitch black. As we climbed, the mood changed. Some scouts started to panic. They screamed about falling rocks. Someone thought he broke his leg. Three quarters up the mountain, I maneuvered around a ledge, to check its stability, and heard Mr. Ames panic. He was saying to himself. “Oh God, what did we do? One slip and we could all die!”

I yelled to Mr. Ames to relax and keep moving forward. As I spoke, I needed my arms to lift myself across a bottomless hole as my legs dangled inside. I could see very little and anticipated being bitten by a bear or snake resting in this crevice. People who followed lifted each other across the hole. No one was injured. We later learned this same boulder field was, in broad daylight a week earlier, the site of a tragic accident when an avalanche critically injured several scouts.

Transcendence: Inside me, there was a peaceful calm. I knew we were going to be OK. I sensed there was a solution, but our adult leaders, and some scouts, did not share my enthusiasm until a formal trail appeared. We followed it and rested on a series of ledges. We marveled at the silver lined clouds framing the sunrise. Directly behind our mountain loomed our initial goal, the majestic Tooth of Time. I was thankful for helping lead 22 people to safety. I figured Grace, will, and luck helped me guide others through this experience, and God would help guide me for the rest of my life. Then, I sat down, cradled my head in my hands between my knees, and I took a nap.

There was a broad, safe, trail leading from these ledges down the other side of this mountain to base camp. The ice cream and naps were most gratifying. And, the positive decision making and outlook I learned on this trip started me on a great high school journey.

After this trip, I decided to forego Scouts and devote my time to varsity football, wrestling, and track and to discipline myself. My grades flourished. Our football team never lost a game over the next three years while I was the sole three year starter. We finished top ranked in NJ my senior year when I was a co captain. Princeton, Brown, Harvard, West Point, and Georgia Tech recruited me. The attitude cultivated on this Philmont Mountain seemed to change my life for good.

My educational and professional journey exposed me to legendary coaches, educators, and exceptional organizations. From these experiences, I created competency profiles highlighting traits shared by outstanding performers. I hope to share these with you in 2008, to help guide you to great outcomes.

Happy New Year!

Great expectations don’t always guarantee anticipated results, but a positive outlook, discipline, and effort can bring uncommon rewards and learning.

Wishing You Health, Happiness, and Prosperity to 100!

2007-12-25T08:13:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays!

The Given: As I approached my Providence property last week, I saw a familiar site. Our neighbor, Donald, was working in the front of his house. This time, he was shoveling snow, clearing the foot dumped on Southern New England Thursday. A few months back, he was cutting full Cedar Trees, Rhododendrons, Mountain Laurel, and Boxwoods; landscaping to make his home more open to prospective buyers.

The Doubt: Donald will be 98 in February. I try to visit him every week, to get a dose of his positive human potential. This week, he was baking chocolate chip cookies. Every time I visit, his daily paper is ruffled. He rifles through the information and reflects on the good and bad in the world. Donald is a positive deviant. He bucks the negative trends and maladies facing this nation’s aging population. Average male life expectancy in the United States 75.2 years. He maintains his own home and lives independently. He’s in excellent physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and social health. He is a positive contributor to society. Although recently retired from his head usher post at his church, he still maintains his proud role on its social committee. Up to a few years ago, he walked weekly to downtown Providence, over a four mile round trip including a huge hill, to manage his business.

The Trials: A Range Rover, driven by a man preoccupied on his cell phone, hit Donald as he crossed Wayland Square’s crosswalk when Donald was 93. The impact cracked Donald’s skull and sent him to the hospital. No one had much hope for his future, except for Donald. It might be wonderful to blueprint Donald, to be able to isolate and replicate for others the traits enabling Donald to thrive towards the century mark. Following please find a few of these transferable traits.

· He volunteers at organizations and causes beyond his immediately family.
· He uses his unique skills and talents.
· He makes a meaningful difference in the lives of others.
· He keeps himself in good shape. With great enthusiasm he visits his doctors to monitor and correct problems. He recently demonstrated exercises to maintain good posture.
· He maintains strong and healthy relationships with family and friends. He has dinner with his “kids”, his daughter and son in law who are in their seventies, twice a week.
· He travels and maintains contact with his family and roots.
· He constantly works to improve his home.
· He stays active.
· He writes.
· He manages his finances.
· He eats well.

Transcendence: Many people copy these behaviors, yet fail to live long and productive lives. Donald is blessed with great origins and genes. He derives from a community in Nova Scotia whose inhabitants live up to 25% longer than the general population. His siblings lived productive lives well into their nineties. What distinguishes Donald, in my opinion, is his perspective. He greets every experience with a gracious smile. He maintains a very positive and giving demeanor. He sees the joy and goodness in actions. He jumps to positive conclusions, but he’s not gullible. He’s graced with calm and happy hope, bolstered by his traditional faith. Perhaps Donald’s capacity to love others lifts himself.

Best wishes for a wonderful holiday and exceptional 2008!

Goetz Custom Boats - Surviving to Thriving

2007-12-03T11:17:00.000-08:00

A Thriving Team Story – Goetz Custom Boats

Happy Holidays!

The previous two blogs highlighted personal (Bernie’s) resiliency factors and positive interpersonal (Coach Monica’s) influencing skills. Discussing organizational success factors seems to follow naturally, so this month’s article is about team Goetz.

Eric Goetz and I met while he attended the Brown University Practice of Management Certificate Program I helped develop and teach. It ran between 1994 and 2006. After he completed the fifty hour long program, Eric became a guest speaker and now visits and presents his company’s case to universities where I guest lecture. I also sit on Eric’s advisory board.

So, please enjoy the following. You are encouraged to share your thoughts and recommendations. They will be forwarded to Eric. Following the case are tools and theories we used, in part, to help Eric. These are included to benefit you. If I can help you apply them to your organization, please let me know.

Also, if you have the opportunity, please visit Goetz’s award winning website at:

www.goetzboats.com

The Given: In 1975, fresh out of Brown with a degree in Anthropology and a strong passion for sailing, Eric Goetz was commissioned to build his first boat. He did so with his own two hands. Word soon spread amongst wealthy boaters about the boat's sleekness and Eric’s desire and ability to apply the most advanced boat building technologies, with ultra light carbon fiber and resins, to customized designs.

During the 1980’s business ballooned, thanks in large part to The America’s Cup being held in Newport, RI. Ted Turner won the race commandeering Captain Courageous. Mr. Turner practiced on a Goetz built yacht. He marveled about the boat’s speed and maneuverability.

By 2000, Goetz's Bristol, RI facility was considered the world’s premier custom boat shop. Eric Goetz employed thirty-five full time crafts people, each with boat building component specialty skills. They produced four yachts per year. Average sticker price was $1 - $2 million.

The Doubt: Business was strong until terrorist activities on September 11, 2001 sent shock waves through world financial markets. Eric’s high net worth clientele, like Roy Disney, cancelled over $6 million in scheduled yacht orders. Clients had the capital to purchase new boats, but wanted to avoid being perceived as insensitive and extravagant during world crises.

The Trials: Domestic business dropped off completely and remained idle through the fall of 2003. To remain solvent, Goetz was forced to lay off employees. He pursued international business with the likes of the Pirelli family, Italian manufacturers of high performance automobile tires.

International clients sustained business, but the market fluctuations and associated stress caused internal organizational strife. Several key employees either left or were reassigned. Roles and responsibilities were blurred as employees did what was needed to stay afloat.

In his twenty-five years of business, Goetz never experienced such a sustained lull for his boat building services. His primary clients, wealthy Americans, were considered recession proof. To avoid future dry spells, Goetz wanted to use his high technology brand to expand into diverse, and dependable, markets.

Transcendence: Eric considers Ferrari a good model. The Italian racing giant established its brand making exceptional racing cars. Car owners wanted the opportunity to experience Ferrari technology every day. Road cars were built to meet this demand. Ferrari apparel was created and appealed to people wanting to identify with the sleek racing brand.

Eric refocused, adjusted and clarified office roles to free his time to engage clients, to focus on the future, and to build strategic alliances.

He considered aligning his brand name and technology applications with diverse marine manufacturers. He explored commercial and industrial land design and construction markets where his custom composite technology can meet creative design and structural needs. He submitted a bid to build a custom designed roofing system in upstate New York where carbon composites meet unique design and structural specifications due to snow loads.

By September of 2007, thanks to his new strategic focus, realigned structure allowing him more client time, employee involvement and empowered leadership, Goetz Boats opened a new, state of the art boat building facility offering the world’s premier technology. The old shop, located less than a mile from the new facility, is used, primarily, for service and custom repairs.

During the year, to meet demand, the workforce grew from thirty-five to eighty-two employees. Also between 2006 and 2007, sales more than doubled, from $3 million to $7.5 million. 2008 sales are expected to exceed $10 million.

New Trials: The challenge is to maintain open communication channels and superior client service with the same effort and quality responsible for Goetz Boats’ current vaunted status. How can Eric maintain close to his clients and workforce despite tremendous growth and a strong desire to keep growing into all boating markets and affiliated industries?
______________________________________________________________________________

Can you please help Eric maintain and grow the business without sacrificing relationships and quality?

Below please find Goetz summaries culled from business classes and board meetings.

Goetz UMD Case Summaries
November 29,2007

Internal:
Strengths: Customers choose Goetz for its value. The relationships, production quality, and expertise distinguish Eric and his shop. His workforce training is superior. They are ahead of the learning curve regarding carbon and resin applications. They have a trusted “Alumni” club comprised of former employees who supply and create component pieces for Goetz Boats. Goetz is one of four major customer yacht builders in the world.
Weaknesses: The rapid expansion may undermine quality and the unique, empowered, culture Goetz cultivated over the years. The Focus, Structure, Customer Orientation, and Leadership may suffer while Goetz experiences growing pains.
External:
Opportunity: Target high net worth clients. Align with designers and builders of all crafts. Get an international shop presence with a foreign site / location. Create incentive systems for referrals. Purchase or merge with respected firms in markets you want to enter.
Threats: Captains / owners become more challenging, and less knowledgeable – they purchase based solely on cost. Access to raw materials (keel steel) is delayed because of the building explosion in China.

GOETZ CUSTOM SAILBOATS
8-8-2006
Goetz Brand Image / Value and Votes
Quality - 6
Innovative - 5
Pedigree - 4
Performance - 3
Service - 1
Tradition - 1
Speed - 1
Strength
Durability
Winning

Goetz BLC Case Summaries
April 12, 2005
Internal:
Strengths: Technology and specialization, niche, innovation, work environment, lack of sales tax, experienced workforce, multitasking workforce, industry / client network, strong reputation and brand
Weaknesses: Product diversity, sales and marketing, advertising, strategic management, project management, delegation, licensed technology / patented tech., nautical parts, female workers
External:
Opportunity: Sports marketing, sponsorship, merging with existing players, ski equipment, skateboards, bobsleds, stock boats, Ferrari’s model, high image, profile, education / internships, alliances, schools, supplies
Threats: Global economy, tornadoes, sailors / cliques / flippant, popularity

Critical Marketing / Strategy Success Factors with Current Level of Satisfaction:
(1 = Needs Improvement, 10 = Great)
Stable Workforce - 9
Develop Quality Employees - 9
Cutting Edge Technology / Brand - 9
Maintained and Cultivated Client Base - 8
Upgraded Facilities - 5
Streamlined Processes (Where possible) - 5
Eric Sets Strategies and Delegates - 4
Product Diversity - 2

GOAL: Expand into 2 –3 new product areas
Barriers: Time
Controllable recommendations to overcome barriers: Cultivate strong management team to free up Eric
Possible Steps Today: Set up 2 tier management teams to work on existing products and to test prototypes
By when is this possible: Within 12 months – April 2006

Goetz BLC Case Summaries
April 13, 2004
Strengths: Quality reputation, culture, spirit, body of knowledge, loyal, faithful, use of materials, technically savvy, customization, specialization, accommodating, history, credibility, nimble
Weakness: Visibility, exposure, big chunks of cash in cycles, small product lines (narrow), connected to elite market (wants vs. needs) hobbies – control

Opportunities: Reach broader markets (Smaller Boats), build here, advertising – Robb report, scale models / sporting goods, skis, composite products, windmills, towers, Sharper Image
Threats: International Competition, Terrorism, And Economic Fluctuations

Critical Marketing / Strategy Success Factors with Current Level of Satisfaction:
(1 = Needs Improvement, 10 = Great)
Close to Customers - 10
Product Innovation - 10
Elite Brand Name - 9.5
Retain High Quality Employees - 8.5
Efficient Process Applications - 7
Alliances / Partnerships / Strategy - 6.5
Controllable Costs (Lean) - 5
Steady Cash Flow (Obtainable) - 2.5

GOAL: Steady cash flow via alliances and smaller, steady lines

Barriers: Economy, Competition, Eric’s time to pursue these strategies, Limited Market Focus

Controllable recommendations to overcome barriers: Hire plant manager, Convince wealthy to sail via articles, more referrals per designers, free up Eric’s time – get him away from administrative duties

Steps today: Free up Eric to focus on below External Opportunities

Below please find tools and theories used in part to help Goetz thrive. They can be applied to your organization. If you need help, please give me a call.

Managing Culture: What will it take for Goetz to thrive?
• Thriving organizations do well in terms of Outcome Vitality.
Cultural vitality impacts outcome vitality.
How does it fit together?
Values influence basic concepts and assumptions about the way things work. (Teamwork, customer / employee philosophy, involvement, decision making, conflict)
Beliefs reflect an understanding of what gets prioritized. (results, processes, relationships, etc.)
Behaviors demonstrate actions taken by people. They reflect ways of behaving within an organization. (Meeting behaviors, follow through on commitment, observable actions)
Culture is a specific set of values, beliefs, norms, and behaviors, learned over time, and assumed to be the correct way of being.

Organizational Learning Continuum

Culture = Value + Beliefs + Behavior = Results

Thriving Traits:
Focus
•Future
•External
•Vision and goals
Structure
•Collaborative, two-way
•Shared accountability
•Relationship focused
Customer Orientation
•Important partner
•We adapt to them
•Many to single
Leadership
•Many leaders
•Accountable risks
•Commitment

Just Surviving Traits:
Focus
•Here and now
•Internal
•Tactics
Structure
•Top-down, one-way
•Silo-turf mentality
•Task-focused
Customer Orientation
•Necessary evil
•They adapt to us
•Single to many
Leadership
•Hero-leader myth
•Risk-averse
•Compliance
Keys to motivating environments (Team):

Successful Team Building Factors

Constantly reinforce your organization's goal. Let everyone know his or her talents and skills can help the organization succeed.

Cultivate unique individual talent with modeling, development, training and security instead of rejecting those who do not fit a popular role.

Build a commitment to your people, a sense of belonging, with respect, appreciation and by applying their unique skills to organizational needs.

Egos must be dropped so your associates can communicate without fear of rejection. This communication leads to sharing more information, which facilitates trust, change and development.

Develop the positive aspects of ego-confidence, assurance, and assertiveness and eliminate the negative-selfishness, insecurity, the need to draw attention to oneself and being threatened over territory.

Team Solutions

Does everyone want to be on the team?

Is there a common vision / mission / goals - for results?

Are there mutually agreed roles and responsibilities to support the mission?

Are there well-developed team processes, procedures and norms to support the roles?

Are there functional and satisfactory relationships based in trust, respect, communication and cooperation?

Is there support and development of individuals? Do people sense a strong and
sincere commitment from leaders to apply and actualize potential?

Team Function Gauge:

____ My role is clear.

____ Communication is open and candid.

____ I believe I am heard.

____ We are maximizing the team’s talents.

____ My talents are fully utilized.

____ We are using effective problem solving skills.

____ We are making timely progress toward our goal.

____ We are effectively coaching one another.

____ Conflict is managed effectively.

____ We are maximizing resources.

I am most pleased about______________________________________________________

I am most frustrated with____________________________________________________

Successful Organizational Change Traits

Establish a sense of Urgency

Form a Powerful Guiding Coalition

Create a Vision

Communicate the Vision

Empower Others to Act on the Vision

Plan and Create Short Term Wins

Consolidate Improvements and Produce More Change

Institutionalize New Approaches

Action Plan

1. What is your goal? On a scale of 1 -10, what does 10 look like?

2. Where are you now?

3. What do you need to bridge the gap between your current status and your goal?

4. What is holding you back? What barriers get in the way?

5. What’s causing this barrier or obstacle?

6. What's within your influence to recommend and change to overcome the barrier / obstacle?

7. What steps can you start today to accomplish these recommendations?

8. Within 30 days, how will you know you are making progress?

9. What will progress look like?

10. What will ultimate success look like?

11. By when will you accomplish ultimate success?

One Look from Coach Said Everything

2007-10-03T13:30:00.000-07:00

Note: Ted Monica of Madison, NJ, the Madison High School Football Coach from 1955 to 1980, was honored on September 14, 2007 in ceremonies to name the football stadium at the high school the "Ted Monica Stadium at Twombley Field". The following letter was published in my hometown paper, The Madison Eagle, on September 13. Please excuse some redundancy from a previous blog. Coach embodied many the characteristics of a great motivator. These theories follow the article.

Coaching and Motivating Others

Coach Monica was a Lombardi disciple. In fact, he helped the Green Bay Packers on draft day for years. He and his football program were highly organized. He was very tough and gruff on the exterior, but we responded to his honesty and underlying goodness. For me, he represented the ultimate definition of a coach, or teacher. He was smart, a real expert in his field and very sharp and perceptive. Coach had a very strong presence and voice, and great eye contact. His quick glare made players shake in an instant. Few, if any, of the college head coaches who recruited me had his talents.

I flourished under his high expectations and applied his structured approach to my classes. They seemed easy compared to his marine boot camp like (he is Korean War Marine Veteran) triple sessions. I felt like I'd passed a mark to manhood by surviving the many physical challenges. They were balanced. He seemed to know when to cut back, just barely. He kept us hungry to improve, and to learn.

My offensive line coach, Jack Francis, introduced the linemen to training camp by stating: "in order to play at Madison, all you need to be able to do is tell your right hand from your left, and to count from one to ten". I did a quick self-assessment and felt relieved knowing I could pass his first criteria. Our confidence grew. In truth, we ran an intricate veer offense, but coach kept it simple. We flourished.

During my three years as a starter, we never lost a game and ended our seasons consecutively ranked 3rd, 2nd, and 1st in NJ. When questioned by concerned parents and media about whether all the winning was a good and real teacher for us, as life is full of setbacks, coach would state: they lose everyday in practice. He was right. He had a way of keeping egos in check.

One time, Joe Butler, the star, 1000 yard rusher my junior year (I had three consecutive 1000 yard rushers run to my side; Chris Jilleba in 1977, Joe in 1978, and Steve Doherty in 1979) was feeling pretty confident after a good game and said, after reviewing a missed assignment during film review on Monday afternoons: "sorry coach, my fault".

No one ever volunteered a comment during films unless questioned by coach. There was dead silence and dread in the room. People feared Joe's response would summon coach to punish the whole team with sprints, or the dreaded "Green Bays" - 10 consecutive 440-yard sprints with a minute's rest between each lap. The first 440 had to be run under 2:00 minutes and each subsequent lap reduced by 5 seconds, so the last lap had to be run in under 70 seconds.

Finally, coach said: "No, it's MY fault, for having YOU in there." We giggled in relief we weren't sent to the track, and Joe learned to keep quiet. Needless to say, we reminded Joe of the incident every time someone apologized.

Coach created an environment where we enjoyed each other. This was a trademark of my high school teams. When we practiced, we were totally committed and concerned with making every collective effort possible to execute. When we played our games, this individual execution was augmented with a sense of trust and interdependency. We felt like 11 people all working as one, like brothers.

Since my days at Madison, I've searched to find this feeling outside of my family. Most organizations create incentives so individuals put themselves ahead of the good of the whole. Our Madison teams functioned as one, and it elevated our performance, and results.

Our success was quite an accomplishment considering the small size of Madison High. The culture coach created, common bonds and purpose galvanized us. Our senior season blew by in a blur. My mom was granted special permission to watch my last game before she died. She watched us play Summit from the car on the Monica Field access road. We ran a fake punt, but Dotes (Steve Doherty) ran to my side by mistake. I sensed his coming, so I pushed off my right foot to adjust my block. The ankle I'd injured the previous spring throwing the discus turned.

I heard a pop and felt a sharp pain. I missed the rest of the game, but anticipated playing the following week against Verona. The doctor recommended against it. Verona was the first game I did not start in four years. During warm ups, I was dejected and concerned about not contributing to the offensive and defensive lines. It was a weird and empty feeling. I loved the adrenalin rush during pre game and the support demonstrated by the players and coaches. We were being tested. We had to rely on each other.

Coach Monica and I had a respectful relationship. I felt he admired my talent, and liked me as a person. He often ended speeches by staring at me, or at least I thought he did. Probably everyone in the room felt this way. He had this type of personality. He never really hounded me the way he lit into some players. I think he knew my own engine was pretty juiced. He did get mad at me once. I don't think he liked a girl I was dating when I was a junior and he made mention of her and how she might be interfering with my concentration.

Outside of this incident, we seemed to be on the same wavelength, wanting most to win, and had a silent agreement that our mutual admiration was beyond words. Perhaps it was his genius that kept me striving for his acceptance, so I would knock the lights out of opponents for his approval and recognition.

During the Verona warm ups, I was on my crutches and looked over at coach Monica. My heart rate jumped. Under his customary maroon coach's coat he was wearing my #77 game jersey.

Motivating Others to Peak Performance:

Motivation: An emotion, desire, physiological need, or similar impulse acting as an incitement to action, causing or able to cause motion.

Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs:

Self-Actualization

Esteem and Respect

Belonging

Safety and Security

Physiological

Through a process of policing and recognition, coach monitored and maintained a sense of team unity and accomplishment. Hazing was banished. Anyone caught bullying was subject to green bays, and removal from the team. Players of the week, representing different positions, had their pictures posted in the locker room. His structure and environment encouraged healthy relationships and recognition. It mobilized players to reach their potential.

Level of Difficulty and Audience Involvement / Trust Needed in Speeches:

Speeches to get Attitude Changes

Speeches to get Action

Speeches to Teach

Definitions

Introductions

In order to change an attitude, a listener must have complete trust and involvement in the speaker. Coach was able to help us change our attitudes, to accomplish challenges we never thought possible. His presence and voice caught our attention and helped us listen. The content of his character and performance - his track record, his actions, and his sound decisions made us believe.

Motives (Success):

Success - We like to think of ourselves as winners. We are very sensitive to external reward and punishment. We are also highly self motivated and seek out ways to be recognized.

Meaning - We desperately want meaning in our lives and will do much for people and organizations when they supply and support this meaning.

Control - We also desire independence. We need to feel as though we are in charge of our own destinies and we need to have the ability to stick out.

Coach had a way of making us feel like winners by engaging the community and making us feel special whenever we traveled in town. We were encouraged to make the right decisions, and given accountability with consequences. He made us feel like our decisions led to our success.

(c) 2007 by Matt Paknis Training and Development, Inc.

Managing Self, Coaching Others, Leading the Team

2007-08-27T12:11:00.001-07:00

During the past sixteen years, I've consulted with a broad spectrum of clients from individual contributors to senior executives, and from executive boards to hockey teams. The tools and applications my clients find most helpful are being compiled and published in a book to help people who influence:

Manage Themselves,
Coach Others, and
Lead Their Teams.

The next few blogs are planned to highlight some of these beneficial practices.

Managing Oneself:
Individuals are refreshed and productive after a good vacation, or energizing event. Life Balance allows people to maintain perspective and important relationships.

Below please find life balance wheel components. Please note, these components are not used with my corporate clients because they are protected classes. Other than the career component, they can't be considered when hiring or promoting a person. However, I share this tool with my individual clients, so they can privately isolate areas interfering with their capacity to thrive and influence.

Please rate your level of satisfaction with each component on a scale from 1 to 10, with ten meaning most satisfied. Please assess each component to determine the life area causing you to flourish, or to get stuck.

Life Balance Components:
Spiritual and Emotional Strength
Physical Well Being
Career
Recreation and Fun
Environment (Living and working physical conditions)
Friends and Family
Finance
Romance

Wheel of Success - The same process can be customized to detail any life or work area. For instance, eight critical health factors might be exercise, diet, sleep, meditation, hydration, weight, blood pressure, and flexibility. By evaluating each area, one is able to determine improvement needs.

Critical Success Business Components might include:
Product / Service Quality and Demand
Revenue
Client Satisfaction
Return on Investment
Costs - Fixed / Variable
Growth
Retention
Passion

Managing Self Thriving Story - Bernie

Given: Bernie and I grew up in the same hometown - Madison, NJ. We were both the biggest kids in our respective grade schools. We were in the same class and we played high school football together. I cracked my helmet against Summit, NJ during my sophomore year and needed Bernie's helmet. His was the only helmet big enough to fit. His mom and my mom were also Madison natives. Bernie's dad was a Morristown, NJ policeman. He expected his family and home life to be great.

Doubt: Bernie's dad contracted colon cancer and died when Bernie was fifteen. Bernie's mom remarried and moved Bernie, his sister, and his brother to Pennsylvania during Bernie's senior year at Madison High, to live with his stepfather.

Trials: Bernie could do no right in his new home. His stepfather wanted him and his siblings out of his life. They fought constantly. Bernie left the home. He slept in the snow one night. He stayed at the local Salvation Army for six months. He was homeless. Higher education was not an option. Survival was his priority.

Transcendence: He stuck with his passion, music. He played in a band. He got a job. He had the spiritual and emotional tools needed to protect himself. He looked around, saw others succeeding, and realized there was no difference between them and him. He knew he could compete in the race. He started testing himself, to see how he could improve himself. He realized he was good. He belonged. He met his eventual wife. He got a good job. He was relocated to the Massachusetts town next to mine, and our children are in the same class.

Bernie's Wheel of Life Dimensions:

Bernie 1981 - 1982:

Career 0
Environment (living and working) 0
Finance 1
Romance 3
Fun and Recreation 3
Friends / Family 5 (Friends)
Spritual and Emotional 10
Physical Health 10

Bernie 2007:

Career 10
Environment (living and working) 10
Finance 10
Romance 10
Fun and Recreation 8.5
Friends / Family 9.5
Spritual and Emotional 10
Physical Health 8

Before a person can influence others, it's important for him or her to feel good about his or her life. After a rough start, Bernie went on to become a successful husband, father, manager, artist, entrepreneur, counselor, friend, and teacher. I hope his story influences you.

If you know people who, or organizations where, balance can benefit, please forward my contact information.

2007-08-05T18:03:00.000-07:00

Great Teachers and Learning Organizations

2007-07-25T12:29:00.000-07:00

Does your mind ever wander while you are supposed to be paying attention in a class or meeting?

Do you ever feel "cheated" by apathetic teachers or managers who can’t engage and organize people?

Between fifth and ninth grades I barely made it through school, partly due to clueless teachers, partly due to family problems, and partly due to my sense I lacked control.

Then, when I started tenth graded, a light switch seemed to flip on in my brain. I started reading on my own, interested in learning vs. memorizing test material. Math made sense. I loved structuring equations and finding solutions. I loved learning.

I read everything available about the power of the spirit and positive psychology. And, I was exposed to my first great teacher, beyond my parents, my head high school football coach, Ted Monica.

Coach Monica was a Lombardi disciple. In fact, he helped the Green Bay Packers on draft day for years. He and his football program were highly organized. He was very tough and gruff on the exterior, but we responded to his honesty and underlying goodness. For me, he represented the ultimate definition of a coach, or teacher. He was smart, a real expert in his field and very sharp and perceptive. Coach had a very strong presence and voice, and great eye contact. His quick glare made players shake in an instant.

Few, if any, of the college head coaches who recruited me had his talents.

I flourished under his high expectations and applied his structured approach to my classes. They seemed easy compared to his marine boot camp like (he was Korean War Marine Veteran) triple sessions. I felt like I’d passed a mark to manhood by surviving the many physical challenges. They were balanced. He seemed to know when to cut back, just barely. He kept us hungry to improve, and to learn.

My offensive line coach, Jack Francis, introduced the linemen to training camp by stating: “in order to play at Madison, all you need to be able to do is tell your right hand from your left, and to count from one to ten”. I did a quick self-assessment and felt relieved knowing I could pass his first criteria. Our confidence grew. In truth, we ran an intricate veer offense, but coach kept it simple. We flourished.

During my three years as a starter, we never lost a game and ended our seasons consecutively ranked 3rd, 2nd, and 1st in NJ. When questioned by concerned parents and media about whether all the winning was a good and real teacher for us, as life is full of setbacks, coach would state: they lose everyday in practice. He was right. He had a way of keeping egos in check.

One time, Joe Butler, the star, 1000 yard rusher my junior year (I had three consecutive 1000 yard rushers run to my side; Chris Jilleba in 1977, Joe in 1978, and Steve Doherty in 1979) was feeling pretty confident after a good game and said, after reviewing a missed assignment during film review on Monday afternoons: “sorry coach, my fault”.

No one ever volunteered a comment during films unless questioned by coach. There was dead silence and dread in the room. People feared Joe’s response would summons coach to punish the whole team with sprints, or the dreaded “Green Bays” – 10 consecutive 440-yard sprints with a minute’s rest between each lap. The first 440 had to be run under 2:00 minutes and each subsequent lap had 5 seconds reduced, so the last lap had to be run in under 70 seconds.

Finally, coach said: “No, it’s MY fault, for having YOU in there.” We giggled in relief we weren’t sent to the track, and Joe learned to keep quiet. Needless to say, we reminded Joe of the incident every time someone said sorry.

Coach created an environment where we enjoyed each other. This was a trademark of my high school teams. When we practiced, we were totally committed and concerned with making every collective effort possible to execute. When we played our games, this individual execution was augmented with a sense of trust and interdependency. We felt like 11 people all working as one, like brothers.

Since my days at Madison, I’ve searched to find this feeling outside of my family. Most organizations create incentives so individuals put themselves ahead of the good of the whole. Our Madison teams functioned as one, and it elevated our performance, and results.

Peter Senge, in his Book "The Fifth Discipline" states the key trait distinguishing thriving and surviving environments is their members' ability to learn from their experiences. He states: "Often when things go poorly, we blame incompetent leaders, a downward trend in the marketplace, or customers who don't know a good product when they see one. We usually wait for someone or something to rescue us from our dilemma. What we usually miss is the bigger question: 'What are we, collectively, able to create?'" Creating possibility requires learning from our experiences, rather than being defined and immobilized by them.

Thanksgiving week during my senior year in high school was a pivotal week in my life. My mom was buried the Friday before. She died late that Tuesday after an eight-year battle with melanoma. On Saturday we played East Orange in a football state championship playoff game. On Sunday, the senior players took a special SAT make up, originally scheduled for Saturday. Then, on Thanksgiving, we played our traditional rival, Millburn High. So, my mom's death came during the only week of the year when we played two games.

Thanks to the environment Coach Monica and his staff created, I barely missed a beat. We beat East Orange, led by future NFL star Sam Seale, in the waning minutes of the game. I took the SAT's on Sunday. My scores allowed me to be recruited by the Ivies and Service Academies. We also beat Millburn, but this was not unexpected. We went on and won our third consecutive championship, and undefeated season. When our season ended, our winning streak was at 34 games. The team needed six more victories to beat the then state record of 39. We ended the season ranked tops in NJ. John Dagon, another captain and our ferocious middle linebacker, and I were named first team all state.

I consider myself blessed for being influenced by great teachers, coaches, and counselors. They enable students to seek the truth, and to enjoy the learning and growing process.

After high school glory, my mom’s death started a series of downward spirals. My first year and a half at Brown was marked with classroom and personal upheaval. I searched the campus for an instructor, administrator, or even staff person, who I responded to like I did to Coach Monica.

I pulled myself into Professor Barrett Hazeltine’s office. Here was a selfless light at the end of the Brown's tunnel of seemingly self-absorbed and self-important faculty and staff. Humble, considerate, and friendly, he never forced a solution, but offered support in helping me find my way at Brown. His demeanor was diametrically opposed to Coach Monica’s approach, but it worked.

Like Coach Monica, Professor Hazeltine was very successful, and recognized, for helping students realize their potential. He is a Brown icon. Brown’s award for teaching excellence is named after him. Both he and Coach exuded concern and competence, albeit with completely different styles.

His classes were engaging and empowering. He was dynamic, yet sincere. Students took leadership roles in facilitating group discussions of real life business cases. We practiced presentation skills, time management, problem facilitation, and continuous improvement. Successful, attractive, graduates would return and discuss their business and life endeavors.

When I see the gold sun on top of Brown's emblem, I think of Professor Hazeltine, providing a warm and enlightened glow over a turbulent organization. Whenever I see or touch a football, I think of Coach Monica. They both influenced their students to create excellence in their homes, in their organizations, and in their communities.

I spend much of my time in organizations helping managers become better teachers.

Below please find some excerpts from one of Professor Hazeltine’s speeches. It’s entitled: “FOR THE LOVE OF THE ACQUISITION OF LEARNING”. It’s hoped you can find some nuggets to apply to your team to impact great performance.

“We can be useful because we can give our students both the confidence that they can learn (and after learning do) and also the knowledge and the wisdom so this confidence is not a delusion.

Teaching can be thrilling because we get to see students come alive - to realize this poem is meaningful, this environmental analysis is something they can do. I fear I, personally, teach to the bottom of the class-- the group for whom education represents high value added, the group that can blossom at a university. Perhaps because I am so impressed and pleased when the less highly regarded do take off. Of course good things do not always happen to those in the bottom of the class and probably the most painful part of the teaching business is making clear what is valid and acceptable and what is not. Teaching can not only be painful, it can also be difficult and risky -one is putting one's reputation on the line every class. We are a profession, like major league athletics, where one is only as good as one's last' performance.

Why is a teacher important? An essential insight for me was that I was not responsible for telling the students everything I knew. I was not even responsible for knowing everything that they might ask me. I was not important to them because of what I knew. They could find out themselves what they needed -- if they wanted to. The important thing a teacher can do is to make learning significant and possible. We should focus on making students want to learn and trust them to do the rest.

A teacher is important because he or she is an advocate for intellectual life. The student, any person in our society, is besieged with choices and advocates for those choices but few advocates duplicate what a faculty member professes. A glance at the newspaper, -or evening TV, makes it obvious how badly our society needs people of intelligence, confidence and conviction.

A good teacher is important also because he or she represents quality thinking. Students need to be able to recognize ideas that are incomplete or inaccurate or insensitive, whether in the popular press or from themselves. The thrill of accomplishment, of learning, is lost when discriminations are not made between high and low quality work. If any idea is respected then nothing is really respected.

We are good teachers, I believe when we show that our subject is challenging, significant, accessible -- when we show that learning is worth doing. We are also good teachers when we show that other facets of life are worthwhile -- concern for others, integrity, spiritual life, a conviction to act on one's belief.

Just as we are representatives of intellectual, moral and spiritual life we are also representatives of our society's culture -- what our society appreciates and believes. Technological developments, television, transportation, medical discoveries, to name a few-- have changed greatly the conditions in which people live, leaving them in many cases without a firm sense of what they are and where they came from. The passing on of cultural values is important especially since many of the institutions that give society its stability are presently having difficulty.

Being a parent gave me much insight into what is important in teaching -- what did I want my own children to become? What should I want for other people's children? I would certainly like them to be intelligent and I would not want them to be ignorant of the arts and of science. I would like them to be responsible citizens and lead a moral life but most of all I want them to be confident and curious -- to want to learn, to believe they can learn, to be eager to do new things, to lead a full life. Nothing has happened to a student while in college unless this sense of what is possible has taken hold and a teacher, better than any other mechanism I know, can nurture this sense. I tell my seniors that if they do not feel good about their ability to meet new challenges they have wasted 4 years and $80,000.

One cannot help noting that at most institutions faculty are usually not trained or encouraged to think of themselves as mentors to undergraduates, instructors, yes, mentors not often. Graduate school and the people we meet expect us to be expert in the subject field. and rarely explicitly pay attention to the values we profess. We are trained to feel best about ourselves when we have delivered a terribly clear and beautifully organized lecture. We do not always realize that students may often learn more from other things we do - perhaps even things we do unconsciously, perhaps especially things we do unconsciously.

Students do deserve, however, clear and organized class room presentations. A scholarly aspect of our profession is just that -- to organize and interpret the subject -- to make student learning more efficient and effective by pointing out fruitful approaches, to show what has worked in the past and what has not. As someone said those who do not know history are doomed to repeat it.

It is our understanding, even ask other things. In larger classes one can use devices also -questions, votes (when I bring up what seems an important question I ask for a vote and insist that all participate -"everybody has to have an opinion on this".). My lecture outline handouts have blanks where the student is expected to do something -- complete an argument or a calculation.

I move around the lecture room, coming up to a student in, say, the fifth row and soliciting an opinion from her or him. If all else fails in a dull part of a class one can make a minor blunder, an algebraic mistake, for example, and let the class discover it. I try to find excuses to shake hands because a grade school teacher told me touching is reassuring. Someone else told me the only thing really clear from studies of how people learn complex material is that they tend to remember what they discover for themselves. So I try to structure presentations so students can discover the results for themselves and in the process gain confidence. After all, I won't always be there to help.

How would I, as a student, want to be treated? As a partner in the educational enterprise. It does help to learn names in a big class. Moving away from the lectern or- the blackboard tends to reduce the psychological distance. Giving handouts personally to students creates an opportunity to greet them individually. As a symbolic gesture I often ask the class to decide on some administrative procedures, such as what day the assignments will be due. My own style is to try to find a way to praise every student every day but others may not find that comfortable. At the very least the student should be made to feel welcomed in the classroom.

So how does a teacher do harm? By lowering the student's self esteem so he or she feels the material can never be mastered. By not involving the student in the exercise. By not demonstrating that learning is satisfying and worthwhile. By not making the material clear and absorbing. By acting as if he or she does not care to teach.

People who have chosen teaching have chosen a profession with high rewards and high responsibilities. We do affect greatly, for good or bad, the lives of those we teach. Good teaching is something that requires thought and commitment and practice. Too often it has been taken for granted -- neither recognized or studied.”

If I can help you adapt coaching, learning, and teaching principles to your organization’s management practices, it will be great to chat.

Direction

2007-07-25T09:41:00.000-07:00

At 1:30 AM Saturday morning a loud rustling in the woods behind our yard woke me. I went to the bathroom window and looked. I was still sleepy, so I shook my head to make sure I was not hallucinating.

A large person, with a faint light, was trudging through the woods, just beyond our property line. Every few steps, he, and I knew it was a man by the painful noises he made as he fell onthe brier filled brush, rocks, logs, and stumps. He was moving from my right to left. Just about three feet to his left was our property line, a complete
clearing. I know the area well.

My back is recovering from clearing the one hundred foot by one hundred foot area between our grassed yard and this wooded nature preserve / wetlands. In 2004 I cut down about eighty scrub trees, grounded the stumps, cut the oak for fire wood, chipped the rest for paths, cleared all the brush with a "Gravely", a monster machine able to clear trees 3" in diameter and less, and herniated a disc.

Before I yelled to ask what was wrong, I thought of the neighbors' young children. My voice might alarm them. So, I got the phone and was ready to call the police if this person started acting dangerous. After he made his final two falls, he cleared the woods and walked on a path to our other neighbor's house. I saw relief in his body and realized it was a neighbor, most likely following his disobedient dog through the woods.

What puzzled me was the danger and discomfort he subjected himself to by not walking through our clearing. Perhaps, and I hope this is not the case, he feared getting shot for trespassing. Perhaps he was unaware. Maybe he was so tired and preoccupied, he could not assess the situation with rational thought.

Stress, mental models and perceptions can keep us from seeing clear solutions. The first stage of good dialogue includes checking one's thinking, to determine whether thoughts are fact based or opinionated. People more readily agree on facts. I've
seen clients' opinions, often in the form of e-mail; wreak havoc and destruction, much like our poor neighbor did the other night.

Without looking up, communicating, checking for understanding, and trying new options, we can get stuck on destructive paths. I'm fortunate to help people and organizations identify and clear obstacles with communication, leadership, teamwork, and problem solving.

If you have upcoming projects where these can help, it'd be great to chat!

Ozzie to Ozzie

2007-07-18T13:19:00.001-07:00

To help leaders influence and engage people, following please find the organizational needs family sitcoms depicted over the past fifty years. Family is a fundamental team unit. Family sitcoms show how leadership and team needs evolved and changed over the past fifty years. Dynamic units, like families, tend to change non-stop, while bureaucratic organizations like the United States Government, Ford Motor, and the Catholic Church, can become too focused on internal issues to meet audience expectations. When organizations respond to market needs with alacrity, they thrive.

It's possible for organizations to change with the times by aligning members around shared values and principles, regardless of members' cultural and demographic differences.

The most popular TV show in the 1950's was "I Love Lucy". Perhaps Lucy's popularity was based on her comic antics, and her manipulating Desi. These were welcome diversions from traditional, idealized, 1950's TV families found on "Leave it to Beaver", "Ozzie and Harriet", "Father Knows Best", "Lassie", and "The Donna Reed Show". These shows depicted fathers like generals, much like Ike, Dwight Eisenhower, the former general who was President for much of the 1950's when hierarchy reined supreme. Fathers knew best. Ward Cleaver, an insurance executive, was trusted and respected. Dads ruled the roost. Relationships on these shows appeared ideal. People from these shows focused on the positive, and expected others to do the same. They had traditional, supportive, and financially sound families. Based on these shows, people weaned in the 50's want authority and structure. Their social status coincided with massive economic growth.

In many of these families, leaders made decisions and announced them with little constituent input or deliberation. This process was not engaging or empowering, but America had just defeated evil in World War II using similar decision making models. Americans appeared willing to follow orders, perhaps blindly. TV mothers, with the exception of Lucy, and their children were compliant and conforming. Perhaps their needs for autonomy and independence were overshadowed by economic memories of the depression and the cold war and their subsequent desire for security. Just as Desi could not influence Lucy to portray an idealized female role, leaders can't expect to lead everyone from the 1950's with an iron fist. However, based on these shows, many people from the 1950's will respond to clear roles and responsibilities, i.e. structure. For those who question authority, civil unrest transcended 1960's TV families.

The most popular TV show in the 1960's was the "Beverly Hillbillies". This comic distortion of a traditional family structure spoofed males as dimwitted (Jethro), overstressed (Mr. Drysdale), or carefree and unbothered (Uncle Jed). The cool, collected male figure of most 1950 families was lampooned in the 1960's. As he entered his New Rochelle home, Dick Van Dyke tripped over his ottoman. Lucy, Wilma Flintstone, Betty Rubble, Morticia Adams, Lilly Monster, and Jane Jetson were the real leaders in their households. Fathers were ostracized for being less competent than their wives. Dads got their families into a jam, and the moms came to the rescue. This humorous spoofing allowed shows to portray dad in a more human light than in the 1950's. Yet this humor may have masked real fear, disagreement, anger and discontent with the country's leadership.

The actual 1960's political leaders like JFK and Robert Kennedy, and Martin Luther King, Jr., were assassinated. The United States was involved in the Vietnam War. Rebellion, the counter culture, drugs and civil liberties were touted, perhaps in response to the idealistic and oppressive expectations from the 1950's. People spoke up. Their needs and wants were elevated. As a result, 1960's leaders began to wrestle with decisions after polling constituents and considering varied perspectives. On a positive note, the creative freedom and drive released in the 1960's resulted in Neil Armstrong being the first person to walk on the moon.

In 1960 shows like "Andy Griffith, My Three Sons, Bonanza, Courtship of Eddie's Father, and Family Affair" father figures were portrayed in a positive light. The caveat was these fathers were widowed or single and received sympathy for managing on their own. Julia, a progressive family show about a single black mom, was the only show depicting a single mom. The 60's TV families spoofed and ridiculed the structured and traditional families of the '50's. This may have been an indirect assault on the United States leader, Lyndon Johnson, and his questionable foreign policies. As a result, folks from the 60's may be very humorous, but they'll also use humor to guise their cynicism and suspicion. They are struggling with their roles and responsibilities and to want have input, and to understand, processes and procedures. They want the whole story, and the facts, and creative input. This desire for truth was reflected in 1970 TV shows depicting families.

The most popular family sitcom in the 1970's was "All in the Family". Archie and his family addressed real issue like racism, sexism, homophobia, and abortion. Actual socioeconomic issue in the 70's like the oil embargo, Richard Nixon's resignation, and the recession made the United States question its economic and constitutional strength. Shows like "SOAP", and even "The Brady Bunch" discussed issues never imagine allowed on 50's TV. "The Jeffersons", an "All in the Family" spin off, welcomed the first successful African-American family to TV. Then came "Sanford and Son", "Chico and the Man", and "Good Times". On "The Partridge Family", Shirley Jones was in charge of her household.

As the United States faced some painful truths about its economy and its leader, the 70's family shows attempted to depict family reality. In some instances the mom ran the household. The kids were vocal and influential. However, taking a lead from the 60's, 1970's TV dads and male figures, in general, were still parodied.
Via this attempted self-assessment, and evolvement, the United States became more inclined to facilitate and serve others. The decision-making model used to facilitate these solutions involved polling groups and deciding. The USA became a bastion for resource and hope for countries in crisis. Jimmy Carter facilitated a peace agreement in the Middle East. Retrofitted shows like "Happy Days, The Waltons, and Little House on the Prairie" did search for squandered values, but we also evolved. People reared in the 1970's want to discuss the truth. They'll seek healthy, collaborative, respectful, and communicative relationships in their work places. They need incentives, recognition, and celebration to perform their best. They may also want to party. In the 1970's, the legal drinking age was lowered and free love flourished. This drive to satisfy one's desires, at any cost, came to a peak in the 1980's.

The most popular TV family sitcoms in the 1980's: "Dallas", "Dynasty", and "The Cosby Show". The common value shared by these and most other 80's sitcom families: material abundance. "The Facts of Life", "Family Ties", and "Falcon Crest" all shared opulent settings and wardrobes. Many of these shows rewarded narcissistic, selfish, and lying people.

In the 1980's a former actor, Ronald Reagan, was in charge and in society, style seemed to outweigh substance. People went to tragic lengths to achieve status. Kids killed each other for their sneakers and coats. Logos appeared on clothing. What you wore or had - external validation, defined a person more than the content of one's character or mind. In the fifties, the economy was jumpstarted by growth. The 80's economy was manufactured by credit and junk bonds. Key decision makers in the 1980's were able to sell their goals, roles, and policies to their constituents.
Capital depreciation timelines were reduced to spark spending. This and the arms race bankrupted the government. The deficit flourished. The great build up of our country's military arsenal did collapse communism. The world sighed with great relief. As a result, people from the 1980's want goals and their economic and emotional benefits. The more cynical may also want proof. Missing fiduciary responsibility in the 1980's led to 1990 sitcoms where people align with people committed to common goals.

The most popular 1990's shows depicting families: "Cheers", "Seinfeld", and "Friends". Characters in these shows created quasi families and in lieu of their biological families. Perhaps in response to divorce being more common than not, or two working parent households, people learned to develop alternative support networks. To make up for lost time and attention, parents over accommodated their kids.

In the 1990's President Bill Clinton and kids, for the most part, were in charge. Social order and decorum took a back seat to self-interest and the me generation's kids. Children ran the roost in shows like the "Simpsons", "Married with Children", and "Roseanne". Cable TV, population explosion, and incessant marketing made people feel like they should have and win everything. People from the 1990's need commitment and support to succeed. Parents felt the pressure to validate themselves via their children's toys, elite school admissions, and victories. Individualism was touted. Soccer moms and hockey dads lost control at games when they, or their kids, couldn't win. Ironically, the parents who couldn't handle the monsters they created had doctors prescribe their kids Ritalin. Many children had excuses for their shortcomings, and the meds to prove it.

This drive for success, and the collapse of traditional organizational economic order aligned with Bill Gates' capacity to create a new economy. Young people no longer have to wait for corporate politics, or "their time" to become millionaires, or billionaires. 1990's people want decisions delegated to them. In general, people from this decade will expect to succeed. But they may not want to do the needed legwork, and their over-structured younger lives may hinder their creative problem solving capacity as adults. They'll want, or need, a leader to fix things when they don't work.

The most popular TV shows in the current decade include: "Friends", "Survivor", and "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". In today's TV families, Ozzie Osborn depicts a unit questioning the traditional norms and boundaries of decorum and respect while "Everyone Loves Raymond", "Seventh Heaven", and "Frazier" portray the other end of the spectrum, goodness, concern, and selflessness. Current Americans volunteer to help others more than anytime in history. Charitable contributions are at an all time high.

George W. Bush, the current President, speaks in extremes. He has to win, or he loses. Thus, people raised in this generation are struggling with polarity in our society; the haves vs. have-nots, liberals vs. conservatives, red vs. blue, good vs. evil, selfish vs. selfless, honest vs. lying. Reality TV has flourished under these extremes. The middle class, and independent thought, is evaporating. Although not family based, "Survivor", "Big Brother", "Dog Eat Dog", and "American Idol" all reward and recognize people for competing, and in some cases, being cut throat, selfish, and devious. People come to consensus, with their kind, to make decisions.

The evolution of the manufactured kid, whose parents package the child's skills with overstated successes to prop them up for admissions to great schools, and professional success, evolved from the 90's. In some cases, these parents pay consultants over $40K to market their child to elite schools. As a result, workers from this decade will run the gambit between traditional values and anarchy. They'll need a leader to set the tone with the talent and tools to build success for everyone.

Based on this evolution of TV families, all organizational units in the United States, from families to factories, need leaders who can unify the people in their organizations around common themes and needs. How do you engage a diverse team? What values, and incentives, work with people whether they were reared in the 50's or the 90's, or today? How do you motivate tenured workers to transfer their knowledge to a new generation, considering their demographic, cultural and communication differences? How do people dialogue despite different ages and perspectives and feel as though we're making progress while helping others get ahead too?

Based on TV families, successful audience engagement includes a five-step process.
1. A clear goal / objective (1980's)
2. Mutually agreed upon roles and responsibilities (1950's)
3. Clear and understood, and discussed, processes, policies, and procedures (1960's)
4. Healthy relationships based in trust, cooperation, communication, respect, and collaboration (1970's)
5. Commitment and support to excel (1990's)

Decision-making needs vary as well. Depending on the person, and his or her confidence, a leader can:
1. Decide and announce (Tell) (1950's)
2. Sell, vs. Tell (1980's)
3. Poll individuals and Decide (1960's)
4. Poll the Group and Decide (1970's)
5. Come to Consensus (2000's)
6. Delegate with Constraints (1990's)

Considering the changes caused by last week's elections, and families on going changes, it's hoped this piece helps people adapt, and ultimately thrive.

See you next month!

Father's Day

2007-07-18T13:15:00.001-07:00

Father's day is upon us. So much effort is dedicated to creating and finding the right father's day gift. Once I became a father, I realized the best gifts are unintended blessings from my kids.

For instance, when our eldest daughter was learning to talk, she and I visited Thayer Street in Providence to pick up some gyro sandwiches at Andreas. Mohawks were popular amongst Thayer's crowd. A young man with foot long spikes walked in front of the car. I watched her eyes follow him up the street. She turned to me and asked: "daddy, is that a dragon?"

Our son was going to bed one night when he was four. He looked troubled. I asked if anything was wrong. He said he had a secret. Assuming he'd hidden an accident, or had broken something fragile, I sensed this was my opportune time to build his trust. I said he could share with me. Everything would be OK. I wouldn't be upset. He turned, quietly, and said: "I love toys. I really, really love toys."

When our middle daughter was a toddler, she loved to be hugged and carried. Sometimes, her interests went unannounced. As I walked from the living room to the kitchen with a tray of dishes, she flew from the couch and screamed: "catch me daddy!"

These incidents, combined with bum, bum dances, daddy imitations, thoughtful concerns about family and friends make me wonder in amazement about the miracles in my life, and the gifts I receive everyday in the form of my children.

On her own volition, when she was ten our eldest daughter started a greeting card company. She recruited her sister and friends, and targeted dad as a main client. The cards covered all personal milestones, calendar events, and all religious celebrations. Some were humorous, some rhymed, all were customized with decorations.
Before kids, my identity revolved around being a husband, brother, son, cousin, nephew, grandson, godfather, uncle, friend, neighbor, coach, writer, speaker, teacher. Being a father changed my perspective. It made me think of life in terms of their lives.

I believe a person does not need biological bonds to receive these gifts. I had a very good friend who died two years ago. He was a war hero, a public servant, an attorney, and a philanthropist, but he never had the opportunity to be a biological father. However, he cultivated relationships where he received these gifts from people he mentored. Thus, the true gift of being a dad, is giving others time, compassion, and humor, so they can share their gifts.

This is what makes great coaches effective, and great teams thrive. They sense a bond where their gifts are celebrated and recognized.

Mother's Day

2007-07-18T13:14:00.001-07:00

Last week I attended mediation training in Boston. The timing was interesting, with the dates following mother’s day.

My mom was a natural leader, and mediator. She stood just five feet, three inches tall. This, combined with her terminal illness, made her physical presence less than imposing. However, her will and spirit, and beautiful face, made her indomitable. She turned every incident into an opportunity to learn, or to help.

Growing up in NJ, we had a neighbor named Andre Passamato. Andre drove his Harley Davidson to work when the weather turned nice. He left his home between 5:30 and 6:00 AM every morning, revved his engine, and shot out of the neighborhood like a bat out of hell. As a result, he woke everyone up along both sides of the street.

The neighbors were up in arms, tired of waking early and losing an extra hour of sleep every morning thanks to Andre's motorcycle alarm. They feared approaching Andre. He had big tattoos and a Fu Manchu mustache. He looked imposing. They did not want to fragment the neighborhood by calling the police.

My mom stepped up. She spoke to Andre. He was most respectful, and apologetic. He felt awful. From the moment of this discussion, he never again revved his engine in our neighborhood. We maintained a great relationship. We slept peacefully. Every once in a while I heard him pop his engine in the distance, after he was several blocks away.

Another time, a loudmouthed boy who lived up the road taunted Gene Lee with racial slurs. Gene was in fourth grade, and followed the boy, who realized he made a mistake. Even young, Gene was very strong. Mom reprimanded the boy, sent him home, and spent time with Gene. I'm not sure what she said, but Gene never had an incident again. Gene and I became friends, and teammates in high school football and wrestling. He became an incredible athlete.

My mom's capacity to listen made her able to unveil interests, to explore possible options benefiting both parties.

After my mom died when I was seventeen, my family and I went through a whirlwind of change, and my mom’s memory was cast aside. I kept a private collection of pictures and letters from my mom. I visited her grave when home from Brown. I hung onto memories of my mom's capacity to bring people together. She had great faith and natural leadership abilities.

The mediation training reminded me of my mom. I was touched by how much of the training was instinctual for me because of what she taught me. Managing conflict is a growing component of my practice and it comes natural to me. Years after her death, I still appreciate the roots of my ability to mediate as my mom’s lasting influence.

"You're Not Going To Believe This!"

2007-07-18T13:12:00.001-07:00

It's been a tough few months. We memorialized another one of Linda's cousins last week. Steven died in his sleep at the age of 47, leaving his wife Maureen and two young children, Tyler and Andrew.

Despite Steven's serious job with Gillette, where he managed arbitrage programs allowing Gillette to, by the minute, invest in advantageous international markets, he was the life of any party, with amazing stories. His stories helped me reflect on twists of fate. Below please find a few.

A few months back, Tyler said his dad was, as usual, reading on their back porch in Plymouth when he heard, and saw out of the corner of his eye, what he thought was one of the family's two cats walking up the porch steps. Steven continued to read, and clicked his fingers to attract the kitty. He reached to pet the responding animal. The fur was thicker than usual, and the belly much broader. To his horror, Steven looked down at a fat raccoon, now enamored with Steven's hospitality, and the food on the table. Steven shot into the kitchen, shut the double door, and called his family to see his new friend.

When Steven and Maureen were dating, Steven was cooking a steak on Maureen's deck in Quincy, MA, overlooking Boston Harbor. He stepped inside to check a Red Sox score. When he returned to the deck, a seagull was pulling at the steak. Not willing to lose his meal, Steven shooed the animal, but it persisted, creating a battle where Steven used a hose to spray the pesky animal to protect the steak.

This reminds me of a story by Marty, another cousin, who was video taping his children while vacationing at the Cape. His boys were toddlers, playing in the yard, when something fell from the sky into the camera frame. Marty zoomed in, and focused on a huge eel. A seagull was flying overhead and lost control of the jostling eel. Within a second, a seagull landed, and with two gulps, swallowed the several foot long eel, whole. On film, Marty caught the writhing eel undulating down the seagull's neck and could have won $10,000 if he submitted the piece to America's Funniest Home Videos.

Thinking of this eel dropping from the sky reminded me of the time I was pulling ivy from our home's chimney. It was 1977 and we'd just moved to the NJ house where my dad still lives. He purchased the home from a woman who let the place go. Ivy can pull mortar from bricks, so my task was to remove all the overgrown ivy from the chimneys. There was a slight landing on the chimney about twelve feet off the ground. This space was relatively flat, warm, and safe from predators. It was an ideal spot for an astute snake to nest. So, as I pulled on the ivy, snakes varying in length from six inches to two feet landed on my head and shoulders. They were writhing all over me. I ran around the yard, flinging snakes as far as possible.

My head seems to be a natural target. While strolling along San Francisco's waterfront last summer, I felt something scratching the top of my scalp. At first, I thought it was my brother in law Robert teasing me, but he was walking in front of me. Next, I assumed it was a street vendor, with one of those scalp massagers. I ducked, looked up, and saw a bird. A starling was attacking my head. There are a series of landscaped areas along the waterfront, where this bird was nesting. My height, combined with my hair color, must have sent a warning. My whole family passed the area, in front of me, with no harm. When I walked back to assess the situation, the bird attacked again. My family saw this and howled with delight.

My most unique animal story involves a retired TV chimp. My childhood friend, Grant Bennett, whose stepfather, Dr. Bennett, delivered my brother Jud and me at Overlook Hospital in Summit, NJ, went to live with his mom and Dr. Bennett in Berkeley Heights, NJ when we were in 7th grade. We stayed in touch, and the family included me on some great adventures, like Giants games (including opening day at Giants Stadium) and deep-sea fishing.

Grant's mom adopted a retired TV chimp. The chimp adored her, but was aggressive to males, a possible response to abusive methods used to train TV chimps. We were playing keep away with the animal, and he was getting testy. So, Grant decided to cage the beast. The animal didn't like the idea. Grant suggested I give the chimp a banana, to sooth him. After handing the chimp the fruit, it grabbed my left thumb, as if it was a banana. He sliced my nail in half with his bottom eye two. The lines in my thumbnail are still there. Fortunately, Dr. Bennett was on site to administer first aid.

As was Dr. Lassiter, Nayan's dad, following a failed attempt to herd Storch, their German Shepherd. A few years prior to the chimp incident, my neighbor Nayan and I were tasked with getting Storch, his big disobedient German Shepherd, into their house. Nayan said he'd open the door after I grabbed Storch's bowl full of food, and ran towards the door. Our goal was to make Storch follow me into the house. When I picked up the bowl, Storch growled and shot after me. I threw the bowl away and ran in the other direction, but Storch kept coming. He jumped at my face and bit a hole in my lip.

Through all of this, I never developed a fear of animals, or dogs in particular, thanks to Shane, our reddish gold Labrador retriever from a South Dakota kennel. He was my mom's wedding gift to my dad and a gentle giant, weighing close to 130 pounds. We rode him. He lived until I was about ten and brought us regular gifts. One time, he deposited a pregnant frog at the base of our back porch. The frog, unhurt but shocked, laid its eggs and then hopped away. Shane did the same with a chicken. Once Shane opened his soft jaws, the chicken scrambled away.

One of my most inspiring dog stories involves a friend. Chris was boating in Boston Harbor a few years ago when he saw something thrown from a boat about 50 yards away. The dropped item kept splashing and the suspected boat sailed away. Chris approached the splash. It was a dog. He recovered the animal, and tried to catch the offending boat owners. Every time Chris tried to approach the dog dropping boat, it sped away. He realized the owners wanted to drown his new pet, as did the dog. It never needed a leash, or training. It did everything possible to please its new master who called it "the best dog he ever owned".

Truth is stranger than fiction. Despite being written on April 1, 2007, these stories are all true. The only one I wish was false is Steven's.

Loss

2007-07-18T13:11:00.001-07:00

The fifth year anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks coincides with a unique date for me. I am the exact age today as my mom was when she died in 1979. I was a senior in high school at the time, and the prognosis from my teachers and relatives was not too good.

They felt, thanks to my age and transitory place in life, I was more apt than my siblings to suffer long term negative affects from my mom's early death. I always disagreed with this and felt, regardless of someone's age when his or her parent dies, it creates profound change. Yet, this impact does not have to be totally negative.

I'd love to be able to update my mom, to fill her in on what's transpired in my life since her death. Even though I can't directly communicate with her, there are signs she's aware. There will be more on these later.

But first, this article is intended to help you and folks you know who've lost a loved one young.

The Problem: The death of a young parent.

Hundreds of children, some yet born, lost parents on September 11, 2001. In follow up interviews, many 9/11 survivors stated, due to their young age at the time of their parent's death, they have difficulty remembering their parents. I was older when my mom died, so I remember her voice and presence, and even her smell.

But the expectation of sharing life's joys- celebrations, graduations, marriage, births, and professional celebrations, ends prematurely when a parent dies young. A decent part of my motivation was meeting her expectations and sharing successes.

When she died, I needed to find new targets to provide joy and happiness. This kept me juiced. Creative outlets, athletics, and activities helped because they brought me in contact with people with common goals, and they allowed me to have some fun. I attempted to make up for my family's lost support structure by joining constructive organizations, and by being creative.

The Doubt: Despite the great loss of a parent, life goes on.

It was interesting to see the varied responses 9/11 children survivors shared in a set of interviews I watched yesterday. It was very sad to see a little girl still grieving, while another stated: "life goes on." She felt she had to "live well, to carry on the memory of (her) dad. It's what he would want from (her)."

When my mom died, my high school football team was ranked tops in NJ. I was one of the captains. She was buried the day before our semi final State Championship game against East Orange. I was part of a high profile team and my family's story was in the news.

People reached out and supported us. They were warm and friendly. It was touching, selfless, and really good behavior. It will always be with me, and I'll always appreciate it. I anticipated this kind of sincere support going forward. When I showed up at Brown, I realized the party was over. People can be cold and competitive. If they haven't lost a parent young, they can't relate, or connect. They may even see early loss as a weakness they can manipulate.

Trials: New playing fields and processes.

As a result, I had to create an expanded set of values. My dad remarried within a year of my mom's death. Naturally, my mom and stepmother did not share the same views. Many of my mental models were based on my mom's teachings. Also, Brown's faculty's perspective was, in general, different from what I'd seen and experienced in my previous 18 years.

This is a challenge for some children whose parents die young. Their lives are turned upside down. Their truths - the companionship and comforts they sought and were given to sooth anxiety, to solve problems, and to have fun are no longer present. The memories persist, but, as mentioned, the younger the child, the harder it is for these memories to remain vibrant.

As a result, young kids whose parents die may be more prone to anxiety, depression, and anger. Their security is taken away. It can lead them to expecting, or dreading, similar disruptions throughout life. It can set a negative perspective. These children may not have the tools or skills to comfort themselves, or to see their situation in a positive light.

Transcending the death of a young parent: Grace, compassion, humor, hope, and toughness.

Joining organizations, finding new role models and mentors, and learning about new cultures, places, people, and their truths helped me transcend some of my depths. Then, falling in love, having a family, and living my dreams and those I anticipated my mom having for me kept me going.

Goals and a support structures outside of my original family helped me deal with my mom's early death. Based on the onslaught of support I received when my mom died, I knew good people existed. I sought them out. I met some mentors and established family-like relationships with my neighbors.

A few years ago a professor loaned me a book on childhood resiliency. It states one of the key features shared by resilient children is having someone who takes a sincere interest in the child's well being. This helped me - mentors who entered my life with good influence and intention.

In retrospect, I wish I'd developed earlier relationships with peers and role models who'd experienced similar loss. Traumatic events define us, and allow us to connect with others with similar experiences. They are bonding agents and can be used as platforms to connect and build instead of isolate. By integrating my loss and pain, I was able to accept the signs. As mentioned, I think my mom signals me at critical times. I sense her grace at special celebrations. People who experience the death of a young parent may experience similar events.

My hope is the surviving relatives and friends of the 9/11 victims will experience a deeper awareness of and comfort from life's miracles. I hope they learn to expect a successful life, just as their loving parent expected. In reaching out to them, we can help them overcome, and, in turn, help ourselves gain a greater sense of satisfaction.

Mental Models

2007-07-18T13:09:00.000-07:00

Mental Models

"We are here (In Zimbabwe) and happy. The sun is shining--we pray for rain in church. Not many look like us so people are especially friendly."

Barrett Hazeltine, my friend and Brown faculty advisor, sent this last week. After celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, and Barrett's 75th birthday, last year, Barrett and Mary decided to return again to Africa to help raise, this time, Zimbabwe's spirits and economy.

Rain came a few days later, but not enough to ease farmers' worries. What struck me was Barrett's last line.

One of my first friends in this world is Nayan Lassiter. We still stay in touch. Nayan was my next door neighbor in Madison, NJ. His family had a compound with his grandparents, great grandma, and visiting cousins, in one home, and Nayan and his family in another house. They also had a huge patio, studio, and pool. It was a great entertainment center.

When we were young, I never noticed Nayan's different skin tone. He was my friend, and we loved building forts, playing sports, and, on occasion, spying on, and visiting, his grandparents' / parents' numerous parties.

From my memory, solely African Americans attended some of the parties, and I remember people reaching out to Nayan and me, welcoming us, and asking us questions about who we were, and what we'd like to do with our time. They were "especially friendly".

In fourth grade, Gaye Newton invited several boys and me to her birthday party. The other boys decided girl parties were still too contaminated with cooties, but my parents made me attend because the Newtons were our neighbors, and Nayans' cousins. I was the only boy, and it was fun. I met people I hadn't known, and was treated really special.

A few years ago, I was asked to facilitate a leadership program at a Pocono's retreat owned by a New York City judge and his wife. The program was for high potential high school and college students. I was the only white person I saw, in my mirror, for four days. In addition to our seminar, the facility was hosting many other programs. Most of the people, again, were friendly, but I sensed some suspicion amongst those unaware of my role.

Many years ago, I facilitated a program for six protestant, and six catholic, 15 - 17 year old boys from Belfast Ireland. They were blended onto one soccer team, and played against a series of United States college teams before going home, undefeated. I worked with them on their first day together, to help forge their team. They looked, collectively, very much alike.

The protestants and Catholics could have been brothers; in some cases, twins. Yet, each knew who represented the other faith. In an early activity, elbows flew, almost followed by fists, before peers controlled it. By the end of our day together, even the most hardened boy decided to dedicate himself to the team. They'd proven they were trustworthy.

Yet, they all admitted, once they returned to Belfast, they could be killed if seen on the street with a teammate of the other religion.

Mental models can lead us to conclusions and decisions where we can change the world for good, as in Barrett and Mary's case, or restrict it, as was the case with the boys' return to Belfast.

Some people choose to focus on differences, physical or not, while others choose to solve common problems.

The choice is ours.